Jokes *May Offend*

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22/06/2023, 10:15 AM Syklone - ..... hi

18/02/2023, 07:10 PM Damit - https://discord.gg/fYqDFYx

18/02/2023, 07:09 PM Damit - join us on Discord https://discord.com/inv... ite/fYqDFYx

29/11/2022, 12:19 PM BoHiCa - YESSSSSS

26/10/2022, 04:27 PM Victor9-5 - yooooooooooooo!

21/05/2021, 06:19 AM DonutKing - First post

28/08/2020, 08:39 AM Damit - its because we are all on discord now mrx

29/07/2020, 07:42 PM MrX - Its a bit dead round here

29/07/2020, 07:42 PM MrX - Anybody playing COD 

26/03/2020, 10:52 AM Epsoma - Hey Team. Locked down in self isolation. Hope you all are good.

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[Damit]

Ok post all your jokes here  :dthumbup:

[YosimeteSam]

The Moped
 
An elderly man on a Moped,
looking about 100 years old,
pulls up next to a doctor at a street light.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car
And asks, ' What kind of car ya got there, sonny ?'
 
The doctor replies, ' A Porsche 911 twin-turbo with an extra performance kit.
It cost half a million dollars ! '
 
' That's a lot of money,' says the old man.
' Why does it cost so much?'

 ' Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour !'  States the doctor proudly.
 
The Moped driver asks, 'Mind if I take a look inside ?'
 
' No problem,' replies the doctor.
 
So the old man pokes his head in the window
And looks around.  Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says,
 'That's a pretty nice car, all right...
 but I'll stick with my Moped !'
 
Just then the light changes,
so the doctor decides to show
the old man just what his car can do. 
He floors it, and within 30 seconds
the speedometer reads 160 mph.
 
Suddenly, he notices a dot
in his rear view mirror.
It seems to be getting closer !
 
He slows down to see what it could be
and suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH !
 
Something whips by him going much faster !
 
' What on earth could be going faster than my Porsche?' the doctor asks himself.
 
 He presses harder on the accelerator
and takes the Porsche up to 250 mph.
 
Then, up ahead of him,
he sees that it's the old man on the Moped !
 
Amazed that the Moped could pass his Porsche,
he gives it more gas
and passes the Moped at 275 mph
and he's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN !
 
Astounded by the speed of this old guy,
he floors the gas pedal and takes the Porsche all the way up to 320 mph.
 
Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again !
 The Porsche is flat out,
and there's nothing he can do !
 
Suddenly, the Moped plows
into the back of his Porsche,
demolishing the rear end.
 
The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably
the old man is still alive.
 
He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says,
 ' I'm a doctor.... Is there anything I can do for you ?'
 
The old man whispers,
 ' Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror '
 
 
 

[Damit]

bahahahahahaha

[MOSH]

rofls. funny 'old coot' jokes always do well!

[bageled]

heh heh

[YosimeteSam]

This is a must read.....scroll down the bottom to read the sign off when the letter is finished.......   




 Life in the Australian Army...

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small   town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland )

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the station - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody horses to get in, no calves to feed, no troughs to clean - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or goanna stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the bullock paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody dingo's arse and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.














































Your loving daughter,

Susan   

[Damit]

read it before and its good
i think i may of posted somewhere on here before

[Jakes2142]

If the world is ending, a woman will want time to fix her hair. If the world's ending, a woman will take time to tell a man something he's done wrong.

In his experience, old memories or new, there were only two times a woman admitted she was wrong: when she wanted something, and when it snowed at midsummer.

Married men always seemed worried...He appeared to be another without a full set of wits. He probalbly had a wife somewhere.

We'll talk about it," she murmured....The most dire words a woman can say, short of "I'm going to kill you.

[Number One]

true story. no shit my grandpa was there....

WW2 tobruk

two British soldiers  walk back into the perimiter with a dozen german prisoners, the british officer on duty asks how they captured them the first bloke says: we got seperated from our patrol in the dark, and we heard voices, we thought they were our blokes so we jumped into the ditch with them, but as soon as we did that they turned around and we saw they where germans,
officer: but how did you take them prisoner?



other pom said: i yelled in my strongest Australian accent "who's first ya flamin mongrels" and they all put their hands up.

no fucken shit, my grandfarther used to tell this one when he had had a few, he used to laugh his arse off.  mind you he never used to find it funny to talk about too much else.

[Chalice]

Gold +1 to you and ur grandpa mate...go the Anzacs

[Noraa78]

heard a story of my grandfather in wau,..
He and his mate were barrelling through the scrub, (not sure why) but anyways, they come out on a track face to face with a couple of japs. the next few seconds were a little hazy, but the japs had the upperhand and would have taken my grandfather and his mate prisoner if my grandfather hadn't kicked the jap closest to him in the nuts and bolted back into the bush.

He never did tell the story, but it was rumoured to have happened. After his death and my old man started doing some research and had a chat with a few of the diggers he served with, one of them was the other guy and recounted the story. I'm sure there are numerous stories like this, but i have a little chuckle when i think about it

[bageled]

lol at Sammy's one

[Proeliator]

Found these in a magazine i was reading, thought they were funny so I typed 'em up. Enjoy! :PDT_Armataz_01_34:

The Welfare Check

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his cheque.

He marched straight up to counter and said "Hi. You know,
I just hate drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent.
We just got a job offer from a very wealthy old man who wants a
chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful young daughter"

You'll also have to drive his 2008 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.
Because of the long hours meals will be provided.

You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.

This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy
her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid 20's and has a rather strong sex drive.

A two bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc.
located above the garage, will be designated for your sole use, and the salary is $200,000 a year!

The guy, wide-eyed said "You're bullshittin' me"

The social worker said "Yeah, well......you started it".



Joke of the week

A rich bloke decided to celebrate his birthday by inviting his friends and neighbors to his mansion
for a massive piss-up. To show that he was a caring and compassionate guy, he also invited
Geoffrey, the only aboriginal in town.
Everyone was getting stuck into the piss when the rich bloke said "I have a 5m crocodile in my pool
and i'll give $1 million to anyone brave enough to jump in there with it".
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned to see
Geoffrey had jumped into the pool.
The brave fella started punching the shit out of the crocodile, poking it in the eyes and choking it.
Finally, Geoffrey beat the crocodile to death and climbed out of the pool while the beast floated
there like a turd in a bathtub.
"Well done Geoffrey" grinned the host in amazement. "I reckon i owe you $1 million".
"Nah, that's alright, I don't want it", replied Geoffrey.
"But i have to give you something, you won the bet. How about half a million?"
"Nah you keep it"
"Come on, I insist on giving you something, what you did was amazing, just tell me what you want"
"I want the name of the cunt who pushed me in the pool".



"Peaches"
Norm was driving through the middle of nowhere when he turned and corner and saw a fruit and veg stand,
with a sign by the side of the road reading "We have peaches that taste like anything and everything - Guaranteed!"
Norm thought that sounded amazing, so he pulled his car to the side of the road and walked up to the
old man who was tending the shop. "Sounds like bullshit to me mate"
"Do you have one that tastes like strawberry's and cream?" asked Norm. The old grabbed a peach from under
the desk and handed it to Norm.
"Yum tastes like strawberry's" said Norm.
"Turn it around" said the old guy.
Norm turned the peach around and discovered the other side tasted like cream.
He thought it was great so he asked the old man if he had a peach that tasted like steak and baked potato.
The shopkeeper said he did and gave him another peach.
"Yum, tastes like steak" said Norm.
"Turn it around"
Again Norm turned his peach around and was delighted that the other side tasted like potato.
he thought real hard, then asked the old guy if he had a peach that tasted like pussy.
The shopkeeper said he did, and handed Norm another peach, but when Norm bit into it he spat it out.
"Ugh, this tastes like shit!" said Norm.
The old man just grinned and said,
"Turn it around"

[bray182]

+1 for the second joke, hahahahahaha i loved that one

[Sgt.fatman]

how many men does it take to open a beer


...... none it should be open when she brings it to you

[emmabimbo]

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two 'working girls' and take

them to their separate hotel rooms.


The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is

made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his friend

shouting out cries of 'Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE .... UGH!' Here I

come again! ONE, TWO, THREE.... UGH!' Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE ...

UGH!' ... ALL NIGHT LONG.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, 'How did it go?' The first

mutters, 'It was Embarrassing.. I just couldn't get an erection.'


The second dwarf shook his head. 'You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't

get on the bed.'