Death Inc

General Forum => Funnies, Media and SPAM => Topic started by: Damit on 07/07/2007, 08:31 PM



Title: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Damit on 07/07/2007, 08:31 PM
Ok post all your jokes here  :dthumbup:


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Ice on 08/07/2007, 12:17 AM
i'll get the ball rolling then...

why did the chicken cross the road?


to get to the other side :D


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: METAL13 on 08/07/2007, 12:43 AM
wow thats the first time the chicken made it across the road cause normal he is going down me throat :shooked:

* TIP: Dont buy red rooster or Chicken Treat its just as easy to open ur bird cage and cook your budgie's there about the same size...


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Biggie the Heavy on 08/07/2007, 01:15 PM
I got one for you ice.

Why did the man fall off his bike??

He got hit by a fridge.


And how long until we get to the baby and aboriginal jokes??

2, 3 pages??


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Ice on 08/07/2007, 02:11 PM
Why did the plane crash...

Coz the pilot was a sausage :D


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Shaada on 08/07/2007, 02:13 PM
What happened to the monster when it rained?

It got wet.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: shawns_maggot on 08/07/2007, 02:57 PM
looks like i'll break the ice with the sick jokes

How do you get the neighborhood kids off your front yard?

Molest them.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: SgtCaboose on 08/07/2007, 04:57 PM
Im a jew so this is OK:

What's faster than a speeding bullet?
A jew with a coupon.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: METAL13 on 08/07/2007, 08:12 PM
mate thats old and the original is

wats the fastest thing on earth ?


a eathiopian witha  maccas voucher...


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: shawns_maggot on 09/07/2007, 11:25 AM
my grandparents are jews :D here's a really bad one

What do you call a jew with a gasmask?

A spoilsport


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: cowcar on 09/07/2007, 11:57 AM
Ok… in no way condoning or supporting racism in any way or form, but from time to time, a couple of jokes are passed your way that make you laugh purely because of their poor taste.

These were from a friend in the USA:

Q]Why do they put little pieces of cotton in the top of Pill bottles from the pharmacist?

A] To remind Black people that before they were drug addicts, they used to pick cotton.



A woman is in hospital, and she has just given birth to a baby. The doctor comes in and says to her “I have some good news and some bad news.”

The woman says “ well, lets hear the bad news first then”

Dr says” The bad news is, your baby is black”.

The woman says “ Ok, whats the good news then?”

Dr: “ its dead”.



Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Dex on 09/07/2007, 12:29 PM
These took a while to write out
Please enjoy O0

One night a father overheard his son saying his prayers.
'God bless mum' Prayed the boy, 'And bless dad and gran also.
But good bye grandad and rest in peace.' The father thought the last bit of his prayer was strange, but soon forgot about it. The enxt day the grandfather died.

About a month later the father again overheard his sons prayers. 'God bless mum and dad,' the boy prayed. 'Nut, goodbye grandma and rest in peace.'
The next day the grandmother died. The father began to worry about the situation. Two weeks later, the father again heard his son praying.

'God bless mum,' the boy prayed. 'But goodbye dad and rest in peace.'
This alone almost gave him a heart attack, so the next morning without saying a thing, the father got up early and went to work. He stayed in his office all day.
Finally after midnight he went home. 'Im still alive!' he congratulated himself. He crawled into bed with his wife and apologized for being late.
'I had a really bad day' He moaned
'You had a bad day?' his missus yelled 'The postman dropped dead on our veranda this morning!'



A woman accompanied her husband to the doctors office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
he said, 'your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you dont want him to die, each morning fix him with a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly, make love with him several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for about a year he should regain his health completely.'

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, 'What did the doctor say?'

'Your going to die,' she replied






An Australian man was having coffee, croissants with butter and jam in a cafe, when an american tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.
The australian politely ignored the american who, nevertheless, started up a convisation. The american snapped the gum in his mouth and said 'Do you folks eat the whole loaf?'
The australian frowned annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, 'Yeah of coarse we do.'
The American blew a huge bubble and said
'In the states we only eat whats inside. The crusts we collect, put them into a container transform them into croissants and send them to Australia.'
The american had a smirk on his face, The australian listened in silence. The american persisted.
'do ya eat jam with the bread?'
Sighing the Australian replied , 'Yes'
The American then replied 'WE dont, in the states we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, we collect all the peels, seeds and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to australia.

The australian then asked
'Do you have sex in the states?'
The american smiled and said 'Yeah of coarse we do'
The Australian leant closer to ask him 'What do you do with the condoms once you have finished?'
'We throw them away of coarse' The american replied Now it was the australians turn to smile.
'We dont. In australia, we put them in containers, recycle them, melt them down to chewing gun and send them off to the states.....Thats why its called wrigley's!'


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: MXfLy on 09/07/2007, 01:09 PM
Heres a bar joke:

A dyslexic man walked into a bra

A racist joke i heard from a friend...

What does a coon and sperm have in common?

-Only 1 in a million actually work.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Dwane Diblie on 10/07/2007, 05:36 PM
What do women and KFC have incommin?

You start with the thigh and finish with the brest.
Then all you've got is a greasy box to put your bone in.

(MMmm... Finger licking good.)


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Dwane Diblie on 12/07/2007, 11:35 AM
Two condoms walk past a gay bar.  One turns to the other and says 'Lets go get shitfaced.'


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Ice on 12/07/2007, 10:03 PM
A man was lying on a blanket at the beach He had no arms or legs.
Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The first woman said " Have you ever had a hug"
The man said "No", So she gave him a hug and walked on.

The second woman said "Have you ever had a kiss".
The man said "No", So she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The third woman walked over to him, knelt down and whispered in his
ear, "Have you ever been F****d?
The fellow looked up in amazement and said "No"

The woman smiled and said "You will be when the tide comes in."


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: METAL13 on 13/07/2007, 12:01 AM
What do you call a family of abboriginals in an overturned car ??


Tennents !


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Damit on 14/08/2007, 06:29 PM
After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that
was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband
went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have
any
more children.
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a
vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly
alternative wasto go home, get a big firework, Light it, put it in a beer
can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Irish men said to the doctor, "I may not be the
smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a
beer
can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can.

He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3,
4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so
he
could continue counting on his other hand.  This procedure also works in
New
Zealand, parts of Sydney,
Collingwood, Moe, Dandenong, Adelaide and all Tasmania.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: METAL13 on 14/08/2007, 07:23 PM
I guy goes to the doctor with severe sytoms of diareah...

The Doc looks at the bloke and goes "well there is only one way to fix this" he said "sepository ! bend over pls " the doc inserts the sepository, The man Yelps " AHHH " dox says " ok all done u need to take these for 2 weeks get ur wife to help u" the man says" ok, thanks doc"...

When he got home he tells his wife she must insert this into his recxtem everyday for 2 weeks, she says "ok ill do it now" the man bends over and she places a hand on his sholder and inserts it, he SCREAMS ! " HOLY FUKIN SHIT" wife goes "wat, wat , wat ??? " the man replys "i just rememberd.... The Doctor had both hands on my sholders !  :o


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: yogi on 13/12/2007, 08:22 AM
here are some funny jokes about greeks ...
this is just for fun... no hard feelings.

a beautiful blonde was driving outside athens and
his car breaks down suddenly.

then two greek guys approach her yannis and tassos
and ask her if she needs help .

she says yeah please it doesnt run.

tassos makes a signal to yannis and tell her ,

well we can fix your car but if you agree to have
sex with us ...!
she says are U crazzy but then she thinks if
they dont fix her car somebody else might come
and rape her anyhow .

then she says okay guys but under one condition
you have to use condom and leave the condom on...!
otherwise I will get pregnant...

tassos and yannis look at eachother since they never
heard of such thing called condom , they say okay.

so she put on both condoms and have sex with them
and ofcourse they fix the car and she goes on.

after one week yannis calls tassos ,
hey tassos , I cannot stand it anymore ,
I will take that thing off ...
I dont care if she gets pregnant...!

enjoy


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: fAnTaLeS on 27/12/2007, 04:03 PM
lol... stupid greeks :D


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: METAL13 on 27/12/2007, 04:33 PM
lol yogi is this personal exsperiance with the names changed  :Toung:


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: I3oI3 on 20/02/2008, 08:56 PM
a beautiful blonde was driving outside athens and
his car breaks down suddenly.

then two greek guys approach her yannis and tassos
and ask her if she needs help .

hmm make your mind up
or are there like wogs these days than can be both :o


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Damit on 26/02/2008, 09:28 AM
Changing engine oil.



Oil Change instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Ultra Tune after driving 10,000klms since the last oil change.

2) Drink a cup of coffee.

3) 15 minutes later write a cheque and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money Spent: Oil Change $55.00 Coffee $2.50 Total $57.50


Oil Change instructions for Men:


1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a cheque for $95.00.

2) Stop by Liquorland and buy a case of beer, write a cheque for $30.00, drive home.

3) Open a beer and drink it.

4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7) Place drain pan under engine.

8 ) Look for 9/16 box end spanner.

9) Give up and use pliers.

10) Unscrew drain plug.

11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: ! splash hot oil on face and arms in process. Swear.

12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off face and arms.

Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

15) Give up, crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.

16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

17) A mate shows up, finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener work.

18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change."

Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it to recycle.

19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.

20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.

21) Walk to Liquorland buy beer.

22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.

23) Dump first Litre of fresh oil into engine.

24) Remember drain plug from step 11.

25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard along with drain plug.

27) Drink beer.

28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawn mower fuel.

29) Discover that first Litre of fresh oil is now on the floor.

Throw kitty litter on oil spill.

30) Drink beer.

31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid pliers tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.

32) Bang head on floorpan in reaction to step 31.

33) Begin swearing fit.

34) Throw stupid pliers.

35) Swear for additional 10 minutes because pliers hit Miss August
(2002)

36) Beer.

37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

38) Beer.

39) Beer.

40) Dump in five fresh litres of oil.

41) Beer.

42) Lower car from jack stands.

43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.

44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23-43.

45) Beer.

46) Test drive car.

47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

48) Car gets impounded.

49) Call loving wife, make bail.

50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.


Money spent: Parts $95.00 DUI $2500.00 Impound fee $75.00 Bail $1500.00 Beer $60.00 Total-- $4230.00 But! - at least you know the job was done and you know the job was done right!!!


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Damit on 26/02/2008, 09:29 AM
The CIA, FBI and the Los Angeles Police Dept are each asked to prove their capability of apprehending terrorists. President Bush releases a white rabbit in to the forest and tells each agency to catch it.

CIA
The CIA is first in and send animal informants in to the forest. They
question all plant and material witnesses. After three months of intensive
investigations, the CIA concludes rabbits do not exist.

FBI
After two weeks with no leads it bombs the forest, killing everything,
including the rabbit. It makes no apologies: "the rabbit had it coming", it
insists.

LAPD
They come out after just two hours with a badly beaten bear. The bear is
sobbing, "OK, OK, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit !"

Australian PM (and part time Mr Magoo double) John Howard hears about
President Bush's idea and decides to test Australia's law enforcement
agencies and releases a white rabbit in the bushland near Canberra.

National Crime Authority
The NCA can't catch it, but promises that if it gets a budget increase it
can recover $90 million in unpaid rabbit taxes and proceeds of crime.

Victoria Police
The Victoria police goes in and after only fifteen minutes returns with a
koala, kangaroo and a tree fern, all three shot to pieces. "They looked
like dangerous rabbits and we acted in self defence" they explain.

New South Wales Police
The NSW police go in. Surveillance tapes later reveal top ranking officers
and rabbits dancing around a gum tree stoned out of their minds.

Queensland Police
The QLD police go in. They reappear driving a brand new Mercedes, scantily
clad rabbits draped all over it.

West Australia Police
The WA police actually catch the white rabbit, but inexplicably it hangs
itself when the attending officer "slipped out momentarily" for a cup of
tea.

South Australia Police and Northern Territory Police SA and NT police join
forces and beat the cr*p out of every rabbit in the forest, except the white
one. They know it's the black ones that cause all the trouble !

Australian Federal Police
The AFP refuses to go in. It examines the issues, particularly cost and
decides that because of low priority, high overtime and the projected
expense to the AFP as a whole, the matter should be returned to the
referring authority for further analysis.

Australian Secret Intelligence Organisation ASIO goes in to the wrong
forest.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Jstar on 02/03/2008, 06:59 PM
man when i need to i cant think of anything


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: MOSH on 17/04/2008, 02:54 PM
looks like i'll break the ice with the sick jokes

How do you get the neighborhood kids off your front yard?

Molest them.

i ACTUALLY burst out laughing and my cereal (which was in my mouth at the time) went everywhere on the floor. i did not see that ending coming maggot!


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Antos on 19/04/2008, 11:26 PM
what do u call a group of chinese men running down a hill?

A mudslide

what do u call a group of white men running down a hill?

A avalanche

what do u call a group of black men running down a hill?

A jailbreak


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Antos on 19/04/2008, 11:32 PM
What does one fag say to another fag going on vacation?
Can I help you pack your shit?

How do you know when you're in a gay church?
Only half the congregation kneels to pray

What's the most common pickup line in a gay bar?
May I push your stool in?

What does AIDS stand for?
Anally Injected Death Sentence

How do you know if you're at a gay picnic?
The hotdogs taste like shit

Four fags are sitting in a hot tub. They notice some sperm rising to the surface. One fag says, "Ok, who farted?"

Why'd the fag get fired from the sperm bank?
They caught him drinking on the job

and my favourite

What did the gay fireman say on 9/11?
It's raining men! Hallelujah! It's raining men! AMEN!!!!


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Jstar on 20/04/2008, 08:39 AM
Whats happened to the gay magician?

He disappeared with a poof :P


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: SolidSmiddi on 07/05/2008, 06:19 PM
What do you call a Puerto Rican midget?
A spec.

Did you hear what the dyslexic Highway Patrolman did on New Year's?
He spent the whole night handing out I.U.D.s

Went to the sex shop the other day and bought a Palestinian sex doll.
When I got it home, it blew itself up.

Why does a dog lick his ass?
Because he knows he will be licking your face in about 5 minutes.

Why did the pervert cross the road?
He had his dick stuck in the chicken.
.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: MOSH on 07/05/2008, 11:42 PM
HEY! i only put my dick in that chicken coz i thought it might appeal to my self satisfactory!
Besides!
your so fruity you cure scurvy!


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Damit on 11/07/2008, 10:53 AM
A Northern Territory (Oz) farm hand (An Aboriginal)
radios back to the farm manager.



'Boss, I gotta helluva problem here. I hit a pig with the ute.
The pig's OK, but he's stuck in the bullbars at the front of my ute and is wriggling and squealing so much I can't get him out.'

The manager says,'Ok, there's a .303 Rifle behind the seat.
Take it, shoot the pig and you'll be able to remove him.'

Five minutes later the farm hand calls back, 'I did what you said
boss. Took the 303, shot the pig and removed him from the bull-bars. No problem there, but I still can't go on'.

'Now what's the problem?' raged the Manager.

'Well boss, it's his motor-bike. The flashing blue light is stuck
under the right-front wheel arch.'

'............................. ............................. . You there Boss?


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Damit on 14/07/2008, 04:00 PM
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan Officer.

She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SL500.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank.

She has the title, and everything checks out.

The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan.

The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns. She repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, 'Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.

What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?'

The blonde replies, 'Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?'

me thinks she wasn't a natural blonde


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Jive Turkey on 26/08/2008, 01:09 AM
So many jokes here already, and I cant be fucked typing out the "American Australian and Irishmen" jokes that you've probably all heard before.

 8)


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Damit on 09/10/2008, 06:23 PM
This is actually a joke and probably wins the record for LONGEST POST EVER!

So, there's a man crawling through the desert.

He'd decided to try his SUV in a little bit of cross-country travel, had great fun zooming over the badlands and through the sand, got lost, hit a big rock, and then he couldn't get it started again. There were no cell phone towers anywhere near, so his cell phone was useless. He had no family, his parents had died a few years before in an auto accident, and his few friends had no idea he was out here.

He stayed with the car for a day or so, but his one bottle of water ran out and he was getting thirsty. He thought maybe he knew the direction back, now that he'd paid attention to the sun and thought he'd figured out which way was north, so he decided to start walking. He figured he only had to go about 30 miles or so and he'd be back to the small town he'd gotten gas in last.

He thinks about walking at night to avoid the heat and sun, but based upon how dark it actually was the night before, and given that he has no flashlight, he's afraid that he'll break a leg or step on a rattlesnake. So, he puts on some sun block, puts the rest in his pocket for reapplication later, brings an umbrella he'd had in the back of the SUV with him to give him a little shade, pours the windshield wiper fluid into his water bottle in case he gets that desperate, brings his pocket knife in case he finds a cactus that looks like it might have water in it, and heads out in the direction he thinks is right.

He walks for the entire day. By the end of the day he's really thirsty. He's been sweating all day, and his lips are starting to crack. He's reapplied the sunblock twice, and tried to stay under the umbrella, but he still feels sunburned. The windshield wiper fluid sloshing in the bottle in his pocket is really getting tempting now. He knows that it's mainly water and some ethanol and coloring, but he also knows that they add some kind of poison to it to keep people from drinking it. He wonders what the poison is, and whether the poison would be worse than dying of thirst.

He pushes on, trying to get to that small town before dark.

By the end of the day he starts getting worried. He figures he's been walking at least 3 miles an hour, according to his watch for over 10 hours. That means that if his estimate was right that he should be close to the town. But he doesn't recognize any of this. He had to cross a dry creek bed a mile or two back, and he doesn't remember coming through it in the SUV. He figures that maybe he got his direction off just a little and that the dry creek bed was just off to one side of his path. He tells himself that he's close, and that after dark he'll start seeing the town lights over one of these hills, and that'll be all he needs.

As it gets dim enough that he starts stumbling over small rocks and things, he finds a spot and sits down to wait for full dark and the town lights.

Full dark comes before he knows it. He must have dozed off. He stands back up and turns all the way around. He sees nothing but stars.

He wakes up the next morning feeling absolutely lousy. His eyes are gummy and his mouth and nose feel like they're full of sand. He so thirsty that he can't even swallow. He barely got any sleep because it was so cold. He'd forgotten how cold it got at night in the desert and hadn't noticed it the night before because he'd been in his car.

He knows the Rule of Threes - three minutes without air, three days without water, three weeks without food - then you die. Some people can make it a little longer, in the best situations. But the desert heat and having to walk and sweat isn't the best situation to be without water. He figures, unless he finds water, this is his last day.

He rinses his mouth out with a little of the windshield wiper fluid. He waits a while after spitting that little bit out, to see if his mouth goes numb, or he feels dizzy or something. Has his mouth gone numb? Is it just in his mind? He's not sure. He'll go a little farther, and if he still doesn't find water, he'll try drinking some of the fluid.

Then he has to face his next, harder question - which way does he go from here? Does he keep walking the same way he was yesterday (assuming that he still knows which way that is), or does he try a new direction? He has no idea what to do.

Looking at the hills and dunes around him, he thinks he knows the direction he was heading before. Just going by a feeling, he points himself somewhat to the left of that, and starts walking.

As he walks, the day starts heating up. The desert, too cold just a couple of hours before, soon becomes an oven again. He sweats a little at first, and then stops. He starts getting worried at that - when you stop sweating he knows that means you're in trouble - usually right before heat stroke.

He decides that it's time to try the windshield wiper fluid. He can't wait any longer - if he passes out, he's dead. He stops in the shade of a large rock, takes the bottle out, opens it, and takes a mouthful. He slowly swallows it, making it last as long as he can. It feels so good in his dry and cracked throat that he doesn't even care about the nasty taste. He takes another mouthful, and makes it last too. Slowly, he drinks half the bottle. He figures that since he's drinking it, he might as well drink enough to make some difference and keep himself from passing out.

He's quit worrying about the denaturing of the wiper fluid. If it kills him, it kills him - if he didn't drink it, he'd die anyway. Besides, he's pretty sure that whatever substance they denature the fluid with is just designed to make you sick - their way of keeping winos from buying cheap wiper fluid for the ethanol content. He can handle throwing up, if it comes to that.

He walks. He walks in the hot, dry, windless desert. Sand, rocks, hills, dunes, the occasional scrawny cactus or dried bush. No sign of water.
Sometimes he'll see a little movement to one side or the other, but whatever moved is usually gone before he can focus his eyes on it. Probably birds, lizards, or mice. Maybe snakes, though they usually move more at night. He's careful to stay away from the movements.

After a while, he begins to stagger. He's not sure if it's fatigue, heat stroke finally catching him, or maybe he was wrong and the denaturing of the wiper fluid was worse than he thought. He tries to steady himself, and keep going.

After more walking, he comes to a large stretch of sand. This is good! He knows he passed over a stretch of sand in the SUV - he remembers doing donuts in it. Or at least he thinks he remembers it - he's getting woozy enough and tired enough that he's not sure what he remembers any more or if he's hallucinating. But he thinks he remembers it. So he heads off into it, trying to get to the other side, hoping that it gets him closer to the town.

He was heading for a town, wasn't he? He thinks he was. He isn't sure any more. He's not even sure how long he's been walking any more. Is it still morning? Or has it moved into afternoon and the sun is going down again? It must be afternoon - it seems like it's been too long since he started out.

He walks through the sand.

After a while, he comes to a big dune in the sand. This is bad. He doesn't remember any dunes when driving over the sand in his SUV. Or at least he doesn't think he remembers any. This is bad.

But, he has no other direction to go. Too late to turn back now. He figures that he'll get to the top of the dune and see if he can see anything from there that helps him find the town. He keeps going up the dune.

Halfway up, he slips in the bad footing of the sand for the second or third time, and falls to his knees. He doesn't feel like getting back up - he'll just fall down again. So, he keeps going up the dune on his hand and knees.

While crawling, if his throat weren't so dry, he'd laugh. He's finally gotten to the hackneyed image of a man lost in the desert - crawling through the sand on his hands and knees. If would be the perfect image, he imagines, if only his clothes were more ragged. The people crawling through the desert in the cartoons always had ragged clothes. But his have lasted without any rips so far. Somebody will probably find his dessicated corpse half buried in the sand years from now, and his clothes will still be in fine shape - shake the sand out, and a good wash, and they'd be wearable again. He wishes his throat were wet enough to laugh. He coughs a little instead, and it hurts.

He finally makes it to the top of the sand dune. Now that he's at the top, he struggles a little, but manages to stand up and look around. All he sees is sand. Sand, and more sand. Behind him, about a mile away, he thinks he sees the rocky ground he left to head into this sand. Ahead of him, more dunes, more sand. This isn't where he drove his SUV. This is Hell. Or close enough.

Again, he doesn't know what to do. He decides to drink the rest of the wiper fluid while figuring it out. He takes out the bottle, and is removing the cap, when he glances to the side and sees something. Something in the sand. At the bottom of the dune, off to the side, he sees something strange. It's a flat area, in the sand. He stops taking the cap of the bottle off, and tries to look closer. The area seems to be circular. And it's dark - darker than the sand. And, there seems to be something in the middle of it, but he can't tell what it is. He looks as hard as he can, and still can tell from here. He's going to have to go down there and look.

He puts the bottle back in his pocket, and starts to stumble down the dune. After a few steps, he realizes that he's in trouble - he's not going to be able to keep his balance. After a couple of more sliding, tottering steps, he falls and starts to roll down the dune. The sand it so hot when his body hits it that for a minute he thinks he's caught fire on the way down - like a movie car wreck flashing into flames as it goes over the cliff, before it ever even hits the ground. He closes his eyes and mouth, covers his face with his hands, and waits to stop rolling.

He stops, at the bottom of the dune. After a minute or two, he finds enough energy to try to sit up and get the sand out of his face and clothes. When he clears his eyes enough, he looks around to make sure that the dark spot in the sand it still there and he hadn't just imagined it.

So, seeing the large, flat, dark spot on the sand is still there, he begins to crawl towards it. He'd get up and walk towards it, but he doesn't seem to have the energy to get up and walk right now. He must be in the final stages of dehydration he figures, as he crawls. If this place in the sand doesn't have water, he'll likely never make it anywhere else. This is his last chance.

He gets closer and closer, but still can't see what's in the middle of the dark area. His eyes won't quite focus any more for some reason. And lifting his head up to look takes so much effort that he gives up trying. He just keeps crawling.

Finally, he reaches the area he'd seen from the dune. It takes him a minute of crawling on it before he realizes that he's no longer on sand - he's now crawling on some kind of dark stone. Stone with some kind of marking on it - a pattern cut into the stone. He's too tired to stand up and try to see what the pattern is - so he just keeps crawling. He crawls towards the center, where his blurry eyes still see something in the middle of the dark stone area.

His mind, detached in a strange way, notes that either his hands and knees are so burnt by the sand that they no longer feel pain, or that this dark stone, in the middle of a burning desert with a pounding, punishing sun overhead, doesn't seem to be hot. It almost feels cool. He considers lying down on the nice cool surface.

Cool, dark stone. Not a good sign. He must be hallucinating this. He's probably in the middle of a patch of sand, already lying face down and dying, and just imagining this whole thing. A desert mirage. Soon the beautiful women carrying pitchers of water will come up and start giving him a drink. Then he'll know he's gone.

He decides against laying down on the cool stone. If he's going to die here in the middle of this hallucination, he at least wants to see what's in the center before he goes. He keeps crawling.

It's the third time that he hears the voice before he realizes what he's hearing. He would swear that someone just said, "Greetings, traveler. You do not look well. Do you hear me?"

He stops crawling. He tries to look up from where he is on his hands and knees, but it's too much effort to lift his head. So he tries something different - he leans back and tries to sit up on the stone. After a few seconds, he catches his balance, avoids falling on his face, sits up, and tries to focus his eyes. Blurry. He rubs his eyes with the back of his hands and tries again. Better this time.

Yep. He can see. He's sitting in the middle of a large, flat, dark expanse of stone. Directly next to him, about three feet away, is a white post or pole about two inches in diameter and sticking up about four or five feet out of the stone, at an angle.

And wrapped around this white rod, tail with rattle on it hovering and seeming to be ready to start rattling, is what must be a fifteen foot long desert diamondback rattlesnake, looking directly at him.

He stares at the snake in shock. He doesn't have the energy to get up and run away. He doesn't even have the energy to crawl away. This is it, his final resting place. No matter what happens, he's not going to be able to move from this spot.

Well, at least dying of a bite from this monster should be quicker than dying of thirst. He'll face his end like a man. He struggles to sit up a little straighter. The snake keeps watching him. He lifts one hand and waves it in the snake's direction, feebly. The snake watches the hand for a moment, then goes back to watching the man, looking into his eyes.

Hmmm. Maybe the snake had no interest in biting him? It hadn't rattled yet - that was a good sign. Maybe he wasn't going to die of snake bite after all.

He then remembers that he'd looked up when he'd reached the center here because he thought he'd heard a voice. He was still very woozy - he was likely to pass out soon, the sun still beat down on him even though he was now on cool stone. He still didn't have anything to drink. But maybe he had actually heard a voice. This stone didn't look natural. Nor did that white post sticking up out of the stone. Someone had to have built this. Maybe they were still nearby. Maybe that was who talked to him. Maybe this snake was even their pet, and that's why it wasn't biting.

He tries to clear his throat to say, "Hello," but his throat is too dry. All that comes out is a coughing or wheezing sound. There is no way he's going to be able to talk without something to drink. He feels his pocket, and the bottle with the wiper fluid is still there. He shakily pulls the bottle out, almost losing his balance and falling on his back in the process. This isn't good. He doesn't have much time left, by his reckoning, before he passes out.

He gets the lid off of the bottle, manages to get the bottle to his lips, and pours some of the fluid into his mouth. He sloshes it around, and then swallows it. He coughs a little. His throat feels better. Maybe he can talk now.

He tries again. Ignoring the snake, he turns to look around him, hoping to spot the owner of this place, and croaks out, "Hello? Is there anyone here?"

He hears, from his side, "Greetings. What is it that you want?"

He turns his head, back towards the snake. That's where the sound had seemed to come from. The only thing he can think of is that there must be a speaker, hidden under the snake, or maybe built into that post. He decides to try asking for help.

"Please," he croaks again, suddenly feeling dizzy, "I'd love to not be thirsty any more. I've been a long time without water. Can you help me?"

Looking in the direction of the snake, hoping to see where the voice was coming from this time, he is shocked to see the snake rear back, open its mouth, and speak. He hears it say, as the dizziness overtakes him and he falls forward, face first on the stone, "Very well. Coming up."

A piercing pain shoots through his shoulder. Suddenly he is awake. He sits up and grabs his shoulder, wincing at the throbbing pain. He's momentarily disoriented as he looks around, and then he remembers - the crawl across the sand, the dark area of stone, the snake. He sees the snake, still wrapped around the tilted white post, still looking at him.

He reaches up and feels his shoulder, where it hurts. It feels slightly wet. He pulls his fingers away and looks at them - blood. He feels his shoulder again - his shirt has what feels like two holes in it - two puncture holes - they match up with the two aching spots of pain on his shoulder. He had been bitten. By the snake.

"It'll feel better in a minute." He looks up - it's the snake talking. He hadn't dreamed it. Suddenly he notices - he's not dizzy any more. And more importantly, he's not thirsty any more - at all!

"Have I died? Is this the afterlife? Why are you biting me in the afterlife?"

"Sorry about that, but I had to bite you," says the snake. "That's the way I work. It all comes through the bite. Think of it as natural medicine."

"You bit me to help me? Why aren't I thirsty any more? Did you give me a drink before you bit me? How did I drink enough while unconscious to not be thirsty any more? I haven't had a drink for over two days. Well, except for the windshield wiper fluid... hold it, how in the world does a snake talk?
Are you real? Are you some sort of Disney animation?"

"No," says the snake, "I'm real. As real as you or anyone is, anyway. I didn't give you a drink. I bit you. That's how it works - it's what I do. I bite. I don't have hands to give you a drink, even if I had water just sitting around here."

The man sat stunned for a minute. Here he was, sitting in the middle of the desert on some strange stone that should be hot but wasn't, talking to a snake that could talk back and had just bitten him. And he felt better. Not great - he was still starving and exhausted, but much better - he was no longer thirsty. He had started to sweat again, but only slightly. He felt hot, in this sun, but it was starting to get lower in the sky, and the cool stone beneath him was a relief he could notice now that he was no longer dying of thirst.

"I might suggest that we take care of that methanol you now have in your system with the next request," continued the snake. "I can guess why you drank it, but I'm not sure how much you drank, or how much methanol was left in the wiper fluid. That stuff is nasty. It'll make you go blind in a day or two, if you drank enough of it."

"Ummm, n-next request?" said the man. He put his hand back on his hurting shoulder and backed away from the snake a little.

"That's the way it works. If you like, that is," explained the snake. "You get three requests. Call them wishes, if you wish." The snake grinned at his own joke, and the man drew back a little further from the show of fangs.

"But there are rules," the snake continued. "The first request is free. The second requires an agreement of secrecy. The third requires the binding of responsibility." The snake looks at the man seriously.

"By the way," the snake says suddenly, "my name is Nathan. Old Nathan, Samuel used to call me. He gave me the name. Before that, most of the Bound used to just call me 'Snake'. But that got old, and Samuel wouldn't stand for it. He said that anything that could talk needed a name. He was big into names. You can call me Nate, if you wish." Again, the snake grinned. "Sorry if I don't offer to shake, but I think you can understand - my shake sounds somewhat threatening." The snake give his rattle a little shake.

"Umm, my name is Jack," said the man, trying to absorb all of this. "Jack Samson.

"Can I ask you a question?" Jack says suddenly. "What happened to the poison...umm, in your bite. Why aren't I dying now? How did you do that? What do you mean by that's how you work?"

"That's more than one question," grins Nate. "But I'll still try to answer all of them. First, yes, you can ask me a question." The snake's grin gets wider. "Second, the poison is in you. It changed you. You now no longer need to drink. That's what you asked for. Or, well, technically, you asked to not be thirsty any more - but 'any more' is such a vague term. I decided to make it permanent - now, as long as you live, you shouldn't need to drink much at all. Your body will conserve water very efficiently. You should be able to get enough just from the food you eat - much like a creature of the desert. You've been changed.

"For the third question," Nate continues, "you are still dying. Besides the effects of that methanol in your system, you're a man - and men are mortal.
In your current state, I give you no more than about another 50 years. Assuming you get out of this desert, alive, that is." Nate seemed vastly amused at his own humor, and continued his wide grin.

"As for the fourth question," Nate said, looking more serious as far as Jack could tell, as Jack was just now working on his ability to read talking-snake emotions from snake facial features, "first you have to agree to make a second request and become bound by the secrecy, or I can't tell you."

"Wait," joked Jack, "isn't this where you say you could tell me, but you'd have to kill me?"

"I thought that was implied." Nate continued to look serious.

"Ummm...yeah." Jack leaned back a little as he remembered again that he was talking to a fifteen foot poisonous reptile with a reputation for having a nasty temper. "So, what is this 'Bound by Secrecy' stuff, and can you really stop the effects of the methanol?" Jack thought for a second. "And, what do you mean methanol, anyway? I thought these days they use ethanol in wiper fluid, and just denature it?"

"They may, I don't really know," said Nate. "I haven't gotten out in a while. Maybe they do. All I know is that I smell methanol on your breath and on that bottle in your pocket. And the blue color of the liquid when you pulled it out to drink some let me guess that it was wiper fluid. I assume that they still color wiper fluid blue?"

"Yeah, they do," said Jack.

"I figured," replied Nate. "As for being bound by secrecy - with the fulfillment of your next request, you will be bound to say nothing about me, this place, or any of the information I will tell you after that, when you decide to go back out to your kind. You won't be allowed to talk about me, write about me, use sign language, charades, or even act in a way that will lead someone to guess correctly about me. You'll be bound to secrecy. Of course, I'll also ask you to promise not to give me away, and as I'm guessing that you're a man of your word, you'll never test the binding anyway, so you won't notice." Nate said the last part with utter confidence.

Jack, who had always prided himself on being a man of his word, felt a little nervous at this. "Ummm, hey, Nate, who are you? How did you know that? Are you, umm, omniscient, or something?"

Well, Jack," said Nate sadly, "I can't tell you that, unless you make the second request." Nate looked away for a minute, then looked back.

"Umm, well, ok," said Jack, "what is this about a second request? What can I ask for? Are you allowed to tell me that?"

"Sure!" said Nate, brightening. "You're allowed to ask for changes. Changes to yourself. They're like wishes, but they can only affect you. Oh, and before you ask, I can't give you immortality. Or omniscience. Or omnipresence, for that matter. Though I might be able to make you gaseous and yet remain alive, and then you could spread through the atmosphere and sort of be omnipresent. But what good would that be - you still wouldn't be omniscient and thus still could only focus on one thing at a time. Not very useful, at least in my opinion." Nate stopped when he realized that Jack was staring at him.

"Well, anyway," continued Nate, "I'd probably suggest giving you permanent good health. It would negate the methanol now in your system, you'd be immune to most poisons and diseases, and you'd tend to live a very long time, barring accident, of course. And you'll even have a tendency to recover from accidents well. It always seemed like a good choice for a request to me."

"Cure the methanol poisoning, huh?" said Jack. "And keep me healthy for a long time? Hmmm. It doesn't sound bad at that. And it has to be a request about a change to me? I can't ask to be rich, right? Because that's not really a change to me?"

"Right," nodded Nate.

"Could I ask to be a genius and permanently healthy?" Jack asked, hopefully.

"That takes two requests, Jack."

"Yeah, I figured so," said Jack. "But I could ask to be a genius? I could become the smartest scientist in the world? Or the best athlete?"

"Well, I could make you very smart," admitted Nate, "but that wouldn't necessarily make you the best scientist in the world. Or, I could make you very athletic, but it wouldn't necessarily make you the best athlete either. You've heard the saying that 99% of genius is hard work? Well, there's some truth to that. I can give you the talent, but I can't make you work hard. It all depends on what you decide to do with it."

"Hmmm," said Jack. "Ok, I think I understand. And I get a third request, after this one?"

"Maybe," said Nate, "it depends on what you decide then. There are more rules for the third request that I can only tell you about after the second request. You know how it goes." Nate looked like he'd shrug, if he had shoulders.

"Ok, well, since I'd rather not be blind in a day or two, and permanent health doesn't sound bad, then consider that my second request. Officially. Do I need to sign in blood or something?"

"No," said Nate. "Just hold out your hand. Or heel." Nate grinned. "Or whatever part you want me to bite. I have to bite you again. Like I said, that's how it works - the poison, you know," Nate said apologetically.

Jack winced a little and felt his shoulder, where the last bite was. Hey, it didn't hurt any more. Just like Nate had said. That made Jack feel better about the biting business. But still, standing still while a fifteen foot snake sunk it's fangs into you. Jack stood up. Ignoring how good it felt to be able to stand again, and the hunger starting to gnaw at his stomach, Jack tried to decide where he wanted to get bitten. Despite knowing that it wouldn't hurt for long, Jack knew that this wasn't going to be easy.

"Hey, Jack," Nate suddenly said, looking past Jack towards the dunes behind him, "is that someone else coming up over there?"

Jack spun around and looked. Who else could be out here in the middle of nowhere? And did they bring food?

Wait a minute, there was nobody over there. What was Nate...

Jack let out a bellow as he felt two fangs sink into his rear end, through his jeans...

Jack sat down carefully, favoring his more tender buttock. "I would have decided, eventually, Nate. I was just thinking about it. You didn't have to hoodwink me like that."

"I've been doing this a long time, Jack," said Nate, confidently. "You humans have a hard time sitting still and letting a snake bite you - especially one my size. And besides, admit it - it's only been a couple of minutes and it already doesn't hurt any more, does it? That's because of the health benefit with this one. I told you that you'd heal quickly now."

"Yeah, well, still," said Jack, "it's the principle of the thing. And nobody likes being bitten in the butt! Couldn't you have gotten my calf or something instead?"

"More meat in the typical human butt," replied Nate. "And less chance you accidentally kick me or move at the last second."

"Yeah, right. So, tell me all of these wonderful secrets that I now qualify to hear," answered Jack.

"Ok," said Nate. "Do you want to ask questions first, or do you want me to just start talking?"

"Just talk," said Jack. "I'll sit here and try to not think about food."

"We could go try to rustle up some food for you first, if you like," answered Nate.

"Hey! You didn't tell me you had food around here, Nate!" Jack jumped up. "What do we have? Am I in walking distance to town? Or can you magically whip up food along with your other powers?" Jack was almost shouting with excitement. His stomach had been growling for hours.

"I was thinking more like I could flush something out of its hole and bite it for you, and you could skin it and eat it. Assuming you have a knife, that is," replied Nate, with the grin that Jack was starting to get used to.

"Ugh," said Jack, sitting back down. "I think I'll pass. I can last a little longer before I get desperate enough to eat desert rat, or whatever else it is you find out here. And there's nothing to burn - I'd have to eat it raw. No thanks. Just talk."

"Ok," replied Nate, still grinning. "But I'd better hurry, before you start looking at me as food.

Nate reared back a little, looked around for a second, and then continued. "You, Jack, are sitting in the middle of the Garden of Eden."

Jack looked around at the sand and dunes and then looked back at Nate sceptically.

"Well, that's the best I can figure it, anyway, Jack," said Nate. "Stand up and look at the symbol on the rock here." Nate gestured around the dark stone they were both sitting on with his nose.

Jack stood up and looked. Carved into the stone in a bas-relief was a representation of a large tree. The angled-pole that Nate was wrapped around was coming out of the trunk of the tree, right below where the main branches left the truck to reach out across the stone. It was very well done - it looked more like a tree had been reduced to almost two dimensions and embedded in the stone than it did like a carving.

Jack walked around and looked at the details in the fading light of the setting sun. He wished he'd looked at it while the sun was higher in the sky.

Wait! The sun was setting! That meant he was going to have to spend another night out here! Arrrgh!

Jack looked out across the desert for a little bit, and then came back and stood next to Nate. "In all the excitement, I almost forgot, Nate," said Jack. "Which way is it back to town? And how far? I'm eventually going to have to head back - I'm not sure I'll be able to survive by eating raw desert critters for long. And even if I can, I'm not sure I'll want to."

"It's about 30 miles that way." Nate pointed, with the rattle on his tail this time. As far as Jack could tell, it was a direction at right angles to the way he'd been going when he was crawling here. "But that's 30 miles by the way the crow flies. It's about 40 by the way a man walks. You should be able to do it in about half a day with your improved endurance, if you head out early tomorrow, Jack."

Jack looked out the way the snake had pointed for a few seconds more, and then sat back down. It was getting dark. Not much he could do about heading out right now. And besides, Nate was just about to get to the interesting stuff. "Garden of Eden? As best as you can figure it?"

"Well, yeah, as best as I and Samuel could figure it anyway," said Nate. "He figured that the story just got a little mixed up. You know, snake, in a 'tree', offering 'temptations', making bargains. That kind stuff. But he could never quite figure out how the Hebrews found out about this spot from across the ocean. He worried about that for a while."

"Garden of Eden, hunh?" said Jack. "How long have you been here, Nate?"

"No idea, really," replied Nate. "A long time. It never occurred to me to count years, until recently, and by then, of course, it was too late. But I do remember when this whole place was green, so I figure it's been thousands of years, at least."

"So, are you the snake that tempted Eve?" said Jack.

"Beats me," said Nate. "Maybe. I can't remember if the first one of your kind that I talked to was female or not, and I never got a name, but it could have been. And I suppose she could have considered my offer to grant requests a 'temptation', though I've rarely had refusals."

"Well, umm, how did you get here then? And why is that white pole stuck out of the stone there?" asked Jack.

"Dad left me here. Or, I assume it was my dad. It was another snake - much bigger than I was back then. I remember talking to him, but I don't remember if it was in a language, or just kind of understanding what he wanted. But one day, he brought me to this stone, told me about it, and asked me to do something for him. I talked it over with him for a while, then agreed. I've been here ever since.

"What is this place?" said Jack. "And what did he ask you to do?"

"Well, you see this pole here, sticking out of the stone?" Nate loosened his coils around the tilted white pole and showed Jack where it descended into the stone. The pole was tilted at about a 45 degree angle and seemed to enter the stone in an eighteen inch slot cut into the stone. Jack leaned over and looked. The slot was dark and the pole went down into it as far as Jack could see in the dim light. Jack reached out to touch the pole, but Nate was suddenly there in the way.

"You can't touch that yet, Jack," said Nate.

"Why not?" asked Jack.

"I haven't explained it to you yet," replied Nate.

"Well, it kinda looks like a lever or something," said Jack. "You'd push it that way, and it would move in the slot."

"Yep, that's what it is," replied Nate.

"What does it do?" asked Jack. "End the world?"

"Oh, no," said Nate. "Nothing that drastic. It just ends humanity. I call it 'The Lever of Doom'." For the last few words Nate had used a deeper, ringing voice. He tried to look serious for a few seconds, and then gave up and grinned.

Jack was initially startled by Nate's pronouncement, but when Nate grinned Jack laughed. "Ha! You almost had me fooled for a second there. What does it really do?"

"Oh, it really ends humanity, like I said," smirked Nate. "I just thought the voice I used was funny, didn't you?"

Nate continued to grin.

"A lever to end humanity?" asked Jack. "What in the world is that for? Why would anyone need to end humanity?"

"Well," replied Nate, "I get the idea that maybe humanity was an experiment. Or maybe the Big Guy just thought, that if humanity started going really bad, there should be a way to end it. I'm not really sure. All I know are the rules, and the guesses that Samuel and I had about why it's here. I didn't think to ask back when I started here."

"Rules? What rules?" asked Jack.

"The rules are that I can't tell anybody about it or let them touch it unless they agree to be bound to secrecy by a bite. And that only one human can be bound in that way at a time. That's it." explained Nate.

Jack looked somewhat shocked. "You mean that I could pull the lever now? You'd let me end humanity?"

"Yep," replied Nate, "if you want to." Nate looked at Jack carefully. "Do you want to, Jack?"

"Umm, no." said Jack, stepping a little further back from the lever. "Why in the world would anyone want to end humanity? It'd take a psychotic to want that! Or worse, a suicidal psychotic, because it would kill him too, wouldn't it?"

"Yep," replied Nate, "being as he'd be human too."

"Has anyone ever seriously considered it?" asked Nate. "Any of those bound to secrecy, that is?"

"Well, of course, I think they've all seriously considered it at one time or another. Being given that kind of responsibility makes you sit down and think, or so I'm told. Samuel considered it several times. He'd often get disgusted with humanity, come out here, and just hold the lever for a while. But he never pulled it. Or you wouldn't be here." Nate grinned some more.

Jack sat down, well back from the lever. He looked thoughtful and puzzled at the same time. After a bit, he said, "So this makes me the Judge of humanity? I get to decide whether they keep going or just end? Me?"

"That seems to be it," agreed Nate.

"What kind of criteria do I use to decide?" said Jack. "How do I make this decision? Am I supposed to decide if they're good? Or too many of them are bad? Or that they're going the wrong way? Is there a set of rules for that?"

"Nope," replied Nate. "You pretty much just have to decide on your own. It's up to you, however you want to decide it. I guess that you're just supposed to know."

"But what if I get mad at someone? Or some girl dumps me and I feel horrible? Couldn't I make a mistake? How do I know that I won't screw up?"
protested Jack.

Nate gave his kind of snake-like shrug again. "You don't. You just have to try your best, Jack."


Jack sat there for a while, staring off into the desert that was rapidly getting dark, chewing on a fingernail.

Suddenly, Jack turned around and looked at the snake. "Nate, was Samuel the one bound to this before me?"

"Yep," replied Nate. "He was a good guy. Talked to me a lot. Taught me to read and brought me books. I think I still have a good pile of them buried in the sand around here somewhere. I still miss him. He died a few months ago."

"Sounds like a good guy," agreed Jack. "How did he handle this, when you first told him. What did he do?"

"Well," said Nate, "he sat down for a while, thought about it for a bit, and then asked me some questions, much like you're doing."

"What did he ask you, if you're allowed to tell me?" asked Jack.

"He asked me about the third request," replied Nate.

"Aha!" It was Jack's turn to grin. "And what did you tell him?"

"I told him the rules for the third request. That to get the third request you have to agree to this whole thing. That if it ever comes to the point that you really think that humanity should be ended, that you'll come here and end it. You won't avoid it, and you won't wimp out." Nate looked serious again. "And you'll be bound to do it too, Jack."

"Hmmm." Jack looked back out into the darkness for a while.

Nate watched him, waiting.

"Nate," continued Jack, quietly, eventually. "What did Samuel ask for with his third request?"

Nate sounded like he was grinning again as he replied, also quietly, "Wisdom, Jack. He asked for wisdom. As much as I could give him."

"Ok," said Jack, suddenly, standing up and facing away from Nate, "give it to me.

Nate looked at Jack's backside. "Give you what, Jack?"

"Give me that wisdom. The same stuff that Samuel asked for. If it helped him, maybe it'll help me too." Jack turned his head to look back over his shoulder at Nate. "It did help him, right?"

"He said it did," replied Nate. "But he seemed a little quieter afterward. Like he had a lot to think about."

"Well, yeah, I can see that," said Jack. "So, give it to me." Jack turned to face away from Nate again, bent over slightly and tensed up.

Nate watched Jack tense up with a little exasperation. If he bit Jack now, Jack would likely jump out of his skin and maybe hurt them both.

"You remember that you'll be bound to destroy humanity if it ever looks like it needs it, right Jack?" asked Nate, shifting position.

"Yeah, yeah, I got that," replied Jack, eyes squeezed tightly shut and body tense, not noticing the change in direction of Nate's voice.

"And," continued Nate, from his new position, "do you remember that you'll turn bright purple, and grow big horns and extra eyes?"

"Yeah, yeah...Hey, wait a minute!" said Jack, opening his eyes, straightening up and turning around. "Purple?!" He didn't see Nate there. With the moonlight Jack could see that the lever extended up from its slot in the rock without the snake wrapped around it.

Jack heard, from behind him, Nate's "Just Kidding!" right before he felt the now familiar piercing pain, this time in the other buttock.

Jack sat on the edge of the dark stone in the rapidly cooling air, his feet extending out into the sand. He stared out into the darkness, listening to the wind stir the sand, occasionally rubbing his butt where he'd been recently bitten.

Nate had left for a little while, had come back with a desert-rodent-shaped bulge somewhere in his middle, and was now wrapped back around the lever, his tongue flicking out into the desert night's air the only sign that he was still awake.

Occasionally Jack, with his toes absentmindedly digging in the sand while he thought, would ask Nate a question without turning around.

"Nate, do accidents count?"

Nate lifted his head a little bit. "What do you mean, Jack?"

Jack tilted his head back like he was looking at the stars. "You know, accidents. If I accidentally fall on the lever, without meaning to, does that still wipe out humanity?"

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure it does, Jack. I'd suggest you be careful about that if you start feeling wobbly," said Nate with some amusement.

A little later - "Does it have to be me that pulls the lever?" asked Jack.

"That's the rule, Jack. Nobody else can pull it," answered Nate.

"No," Jack shook his head, "I meant does it have to be my hand? Could I pull the lever with a rope tied around it? Or push it with a stick? Or throw a rock?"

"Yes, those should work," replied Nate. "Though I'm not sure how complicated you could get. Samuel thought about trying to build some kind of remote control for it once, but gave it up. Everything he'd build would be gone by the next sunrise, if it was touching the stone, or over it. I told him that in the past others that had been bound had tried to bury the lever so they wouldn't be tempted to pull it, but every time the stones or sand or whatever had disappeared."

"Wow," said Jack, "Cool." Jack leaned back until only his elbows kept him off of the stone and looked up into the sky.

"Nate, how long did Samuel live? One of his wishes was for health too, right?" asked Jack.

"Yes," replied Nate, "it was. He lived 167 years, Jack."

"Wow, 167 years. That's almost 140 more years I'll live if I live as long. Do you know what he died of, Nate?"

"He died of getting tired of living, Jack," Nate said, sounding somewhat sad.

Jack turned his head to look at Nate in the starlight.

Nate looked back. "Samuel knew he wasn't going to be able to stay in society. He figured that they'd eventually see him still alive and start questioning it, so he decided that he'd have to disappear after a while. He faked his death once, but changed his mind - he decided it was too early and he could stay for a little longer. He wasn't very fond of mankind, but he liked the attention. Most of the time, anyway.

"His daughter and then his wife dying almost did him in though. He didn't stay in society much longer after that. He eventually came out here to spend time talking to me and thinking about pulling the lever. A few months ago he told me he'd had enough. It was his time."

"And then he just died?" asked Jack.

Nate shook his head a little. "He made his forth request, Jack. There's only one thing you can ask for the fourth request. The last bite.

After a bit Nate continued, "He told me that he was tired, that it was his time. He reassured me that someone new would show up soon, like they always had.

After another pause, Nate finished, "Samuel's body disappeared off the stone with the sunrise."

Jack lay back down and looked at the sky, leaving Nate alone with his memories. It was a long time until Jack's breathing evened out into sleep.

Jack woke with the sunrise the next morning. He was a little chilled with the morning desert air, but overall was feeling pretty good. Well, except that his stomach was grumbling and he wasn't willing to eat raw desert rat.

So, after getting directions to town from Nate, making sure he knew how to get back, and reassuring Nate that he'd be back soon, Jack started the long walk back to town. With his new health and Nate's good directions, he made it back easily.

Jack caught a bus back to the city, and showed up for work the next day, little worse for the wear and with a story about getting lost in the desert and walking back out. Within a couple of days Jack had talked a friend with a tow truck into going back out into the desert with him to fetch the SUV.
They found it after a couple of hours of searching and towed it back without incident. Jack was careful not to even look in the direction of Nate's lever, though their path back didn't come within sight of it.

Before the next weekend, Jack had gone to a couple of stores, including a book store, and had gotten his SUV back from the mechanic, with a warning to avoid any more joyriding in the desert. On Saturday, Jack headed back to see Nate.

Jack parked a little way out of the small town near Nate, loaded up his new backpack with camping gear and the things he was bringing for Nate, and then started walking. He figured that walking would leave the least trail, and he knew that while not many people camped in the desert, it wasn't unheard of, and shouldn't really raise suspicions.

Jack had brought more books for Nate - recent books, magazines, newspapers. Some things that would catch Nate up with what was happening in the world, others that were just good books to read. He spent the weekend with Nate, and then headed out again, telling Nate that he'd be back again soon, but that he had things to do first.

Over four months later Jack was back to see Nate again. This time he brought a laptop with him - a specially modified laptop. It had a solar recharger, special filters and seals to keep out the sand, a satellite link-up, and a special keyboard and joystick that Jack hoped that a fifteen-foot rattlesnake would be able to use. And, it had been hacked to not give out its location to the satellite.

After that Jack could e-mail Nate to keep in touch, but still visited him fairly regularly - at least once or twice a year.

After the first year, Jack quit his job. For some reason, with the wisdom he 'd been given, and the knowledge that he could live for over 150 years, working in a nine to five job for someone else didn't seem that worthwhile any more. Jack went back to school.

Eventually, Jack started writing. Perhaps because of the wisdom, or perhaps because of his new perspective, he wrote well. People liked what he wrote, and he became well known for it. After a time, Jack bought an RV and started traveling around the country for book signings and readings.

But, he still remembered to drop by and visit Nate occasionally.

On one of the visits Nate seemed quieter than usual. Not that Nate had been a fountain of joy lately. Jack's best guess was that Nate was still missing Samuel, and though Jack had tried, he still hadn't been able to replace Samuel in Nate's eyes. Nate had been getting quieter each visit. But on this visit Nate didn't even speak when Jack walked up to the lever. He nodded at Jack, and then went back to staring into the desert. Jack, respecting Nate's silence, sat down and waited.

After a few minutes, Nate spoke. "Jack, I have someone to introduce you to."

Jack looked surprised. "Someone to introduce me to?" Jack looked around, and then looked carefully back at Nate. "This something to do with the Big Guy?

"No, no," replied Nate. "This is more personal. I want you to meet my son." Nate looked over at the nearest sand dune. "Sammy!"

Jack watched as a four foot long desert rattlesnake crawled from behind the dune and up to the stone base of the lever.

"Yo, Jack," said the new, much smaller snake.

"Yo, Sammy" replied Jack. Jack looked at Nate. "Named after Samuel, I assume?"

Nate nodded. "Jack, I've got a favor to ask you. Could you show Sammy around for me?" Nate unwrapped himself from the lever and slithered over to the edge of the stone and looked across the sands. "When Samuel first told me about the world, and brought me books and pictures, I wished that I could go see it. I wanted to see the great forests, the canyons, the cities, even the other deserts, to see if they felt and smelled the same. I want my son to have that chance - to see the world. Before he becomes bound here like I have been.

"He's seen it in pictures, over the computer that you brought me. But I hear that it's not the same. That being there is different. I want him to have that. Think you can do that for me, Jack?"

Jack nodded. This was obviously very important to Nate, so Jack didn't even joke about taking a talking rattlesnake out to see the world. "Yeah, I can do that for you, Nate. Is that all you need?" Jack could sense that was something more.

Nate looked at Sammy. Sammy looked back at Nate for a second and then said, "Oh, yeah. Ummm, I've gotta go pack. Back in a little bit Jack. Nice to meet ya!" Sammy slithered back over the dune and out of sight.

Nate watched Sammy disappear and then looked back at Jack. "Jack, this is my first son. My first offspring through all the years. You don't even want to know what it took for me to find a mate." Nate grinned to himself. "But anyway, I had a son for a reason. I'm tired. I'm ready for it to be over. I needed a replacement."

Jack considered this for a minute. "So, you're ready to come see the world, and you wanted him to watch the lever while you were gone?"

Nate shook his head. "No, Jack - you're a better guesser than that. You've already figured out - I'm bound here - there's only one way for me to leave here. And I'm ready. It's my time to die."

Jack looked more closely at Nate. He could tell Nate had thought about this - probably for quite a while. Jack had trouble imagining what it would be like to be as old as Nate, but Jack could already tell that in another hundred or two hundred years, he might be getting tired of life himself. Jack could understand Samuel's decision, and now Nate's. So, all Jack said was, "What do you want me to do?"

Nate nodded. "Thanks, Jack. I only want two things. One - show Sammy around the world - let him get his fill of it, until he's ready to come back here and take over. Two - give me the fourth request.

"I can't just decide to die, not any more than you can. I won't even die of old age like you eventually will, even though it'll be a long time from now. I need to be killed. Once Sammy is back here, ready to take over, I'll be able to die. And I need you to kill me.

"I've even thought about how. Poisons and other drugs won't work on me. And I've seen pictures of snakes that were shot - some of them live for days, so that's out too. So, I want you to bring back a sword.

Nate turned away to look back to the dune that Sammy had gone behind. "I'd say an axe, but that's somewhat undignified - putting my head on the ground or a chopping block like that. No, I like a sword. A time-honored way of going out. A dignified way to die. And, most importantly, it should work, even on me.

"You willing to do that for me, Jack?" Nate turned back to look at Jack.

"Yeah, Nate," replied Jack solemnly, "I think I can handle that."

Nate nodded. "Good!" He turned back toward the dune and shouted, "Sammy! Jack's about ready to leave!" Then quietly, "Thanks, Jack."

Jack didn't have anything to say to that, so he waited for Sammy to make it back to the lever, nodded to him, nodded a final time to Nate, and then headed into the desert with Sammy following.

Over the next several years Sammy and Jack kept in touch with Nate through e-mail as they went about their adventures. They made a goal of visiting every country in the world, and did a respectable job of it. Sammy had a natural gift for languages, as Jack expected he would, and even ended up acting as a translator for Jack in a few of the countries. Jack managed to keep the talking rattlesnake hidden, even so, and by the time they were nearing the end of their tour of countries, Sammy had only been spotted a few times. While there were several people that had seen enough to startle them greatly, nobody had enough evidence to prove anything, and while a few wild rumors and storied followed Jack and Sammy around, nothing ever hit the newspapers or the public in general.

When they finished the tour of countries, Jack suggested that they try some undersea diving. They did. And spelunking. They did that too. Sammy finally drew the line at visiting Antarctica. He'd come to realize that Jack was stalling. After talking to his Dad about it over e-mail, he figured out that Jack probably didn't want to have to kill Nate. Nate told Sammy that humans could be squeamish about killing friends and acquaintances.

So, Sammy eventually put his tail down (as he didn't have a foot) and told Jack that it was time - he was ready to go back and take up his duties from his dad. Jack, delayed it a little more by insisting that they go back to Japan and buy an appropriate sword. He even stretched it a little more by getting lessons in how to use the sword. But, eventually, he'd learned as much as he was likely to without dedicating his life to it, and was definitely competent enough to take the head off of a snake. It was time to head back and see Nate.

When they got back to the US, Jack got the old RV out of storage where he and Sammy had left it after their tour of the fifty states, he loaded up Sammy and the sword, and they headed for the desert.

When they got to the small town that Jack had been trying to find those years ago when he'd met Nate, Jack was in a funk. He didn't really feel like walking all of the way out there. Not only that, but he'd forgotten to figure the travel time correctly, and it was late afternoon. They'd either have to spend the night in town and walk out tomorrow, or walk in the dark.

As Jack was afraid that if he waited one more night he might lose his resolve, he decided that he'd go ahead and drive the RV out there. It was only going to be this once, and Jack would go back and cover the tracks afterward. They ought to be able to make it out there by nightfall if they drove, and then they could get it over tonight.

Jack told Sammy to e-mail Nate that they were coming as he drove out of sight of the town on the road. They then pulled off the road and headed out into the desert.

Everything went well, until they got to the sand dunes. Jack had been nursing the RV along the whole time, over the rocks, through the creek beds, revving the engine the few times they almost got stuck. When they came to the dunes, Jack didn't really think about it, he just downshifted and headed up the first one. By the third dune, Jack started to regret that he'd decided to try driving on the sand. The RV was fishtailling and losing traction. Jack was having to work it up each dune slowly and was trying to keep from losing control each time they came over the top and slid down the other side. Sammy had come up to sit in the passenger seat, coiled up and laughing at Jack's driving.

As they came over the top of the fourth dune, the biggest one yet, Jack saw that this was the final dune - the stone, the lever, and somewhere Nate, waited below. Jack put on the brakes, but he'd gone a little too far. The RV started slipping down the other side.

Jack tried turning the wheel, but he didn't have enough traction. He pumped the brakes - no response. They started sliding down the hill, faster and faster.

Jack felt a shock go through him as he suddenly realized that they were heading for the lever. He looked down - the RV was directly on course for it. If Jack didn't do something, the RV would hit it. He was about to end humanity.

Jack steered more frantically, trying to get traction. It still wasn't working. The dune was too steep, and the sand too loose. In a split second, Jack realized that his only chance would be once he hit the stone around the lever - he should have traction on the stone for just a second before he hit the lever - he wouldn't have time to stop, but he should be able to steer away.

Jack took a better grip on the steering wheel and tried to turn the RV a little bit - every little bit would help. He'd have to time his turn just right.

The RV got to the bottom of the dune, sliding at an amazing speed in the sand. Just before they reached the stone Jack looked across it to check that they were still heading for the lever. They were. But Jack noticed something else that he hadn't seen from the top of the dune. Nate wasn't wrapped around the lever. He was off to the side of the lever, but still on the stone, waiting for them. The problem was, he was waiting on the same side of the lever that Jack had picked to steer towards to avoid the lever. The RV was already starting to drift that way a little in its mad rush across the sand and there was no way that Jack was going to be able to go around the lever to the other side.

Jack had an instant of realization. He was either going to have to hit the lever, or run over Nate. He glanced over at Sammy and saw that Sammy realized the same thing.

Jack took a firmer grip on the steering wheel as the RV ran up on the stone.

Shouting to Sammy as he pulled the steering wheel, "BETTER NATE THAN LEVER!", he ran over the snake.

THE END.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Dex on 09/10/2008, 08:28 PM
You have got to be kidding me?
I read that whole thing, and the punch line is crap!

Shame on you damit.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Damit on 09/10/2008, 08:43 PM
i know you like reading dex


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: naf on 10/10/2008, 07:01 AM
tl;dr


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: ENGAGE on 14/10/2008, 07:34 PM
wat do u call a black man with an I.Q of 20? CHEAT

Wat do u call a black man with a watch? Thief

how do u start a black parade? roll a dollar down the street.

 


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: MOSH on 14/10/2008, 07:43 PM
what do you call 1,000 black people buried up to their necks in dirt? Aphro-turf!

What's brown and white and rolls around the gutters? An abbo fighting a seagull for a dim sim!

What do you call a thousand abbo's rolling down a hill? Abbo-lanch!


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Noraa78 on 31/10/2008, 12:43 PM
What do 9 out of 10 people enjoy?

Gang Rape


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Damit on 24/12/2008, 01:52 PM
AS A WOMAN PASSED HER DAUGHTER'S CLOSED BEDROOM

DOOR, SHE HEARD A STRANGE BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM
WITHIN. OPENING THE DOOR, SHE OBSERVED HER DAUGHTER WITH A VIBRATOR.

SHOCKED, SHE ASKED: 'WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING?'

THE DAUGHTER REPLIED: 'MOM, I'M THIRTY-FIVE YEARS OLD, UNMARRIED, AND THIS THING
IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND. PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME
ALONE.'

THE NEXT DAY, THE GIRL'S FATHER HEARD THE SAME BUZZ COMING FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR.

UPON ENTERING THE ROOM, HE OBSERVED HIS DAUGHTER MAKING
PASSIONATE LOVE TO HER VIBRATOR.

TO HIS QUERY AS TO WHAT SHE WAS DOING, THE DAUGHTER SAID: 'DAD I'M
THIRTY-FIVE, UNMARRIED, AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A
HUSBAND. PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE.'

A COUPLE DAYS LATER, THE WIFE CAME HOME FROM A SHOPPING TRIP, PLACED THE GROCERIES ON THE KITCHEN COUNTER, AND HEARD THAT BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM, OF ALL PLACES, THE LIVING ROOM. SHE ENTERED THAT AREA ND OBSERVED HER HUSBAND SITTING ON THE COUCH, DOWNING A COLD BEER, AND STARING
AT THE TV. THE VIBRATOR WAS NEXT TO HIM ON THE COUCH, BUZZING LIKE CRAZY.

THE WIFE ASKED: 'WHAT THE *@!* ARE YOU DOING?'

THE HUSBAND REPLIED: 'I'M WATCHING FOOTBALL WITH MY SON-IN-LAW.'


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Damit on 24/12/2008, 01:58 PM
WHERE WE COME FROM

A little girl asked her father: 'How did the human race appear?'
The father answered, 'God made Adam and Eve; they
had children; and so was all mankind made.'

Two days later the girl asked her mother the same question.
The mother answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys
from which the human race evolved.'

The confused girl returned to her father and said, 'Dad,
how is it possible that you told me the human race was
created by God, and Mom said they developed from monkeys?'

The father answered, 'Well, Dear, it is very simple.
I told you about my side of the family, and your mother
told you about hers.'


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Damit on 11/04/2009, 10:39 AM
Jimmy received a parrot for Christmas. The parrot was fully grown, with a very bad attitude and worse vocabulary.

Every other word was an expletive; those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. Jimmy tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite words, playing soft music... anything he could think of. Nothing worked.

He yelled at the bird, and the bird got worse. He shook the bird, and the bird got madder and more rude.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, Jimmy put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird swearing, squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, there was absolute quiet.

Jimmy was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird, and quickly opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jimmy's extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions, and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior".

Jimmy was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude and was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the Chicken did?"


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Joely on 01/06/2009, 11:58 AM
what do you call a black man in a church?

holy sh!t


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: bray182 on 01/06/2009, 12:00 PM
Whats worse then finding a worm in your apple

Being raped


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Cam on 21/08/2009, 12:39 PM
Here are a few shockers

Q. What do pigs put on their sore spots?

A. Oinkment

----

Q. What's green, got 4 legs, and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you.

A. A pool table
 ---

"I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes.
We decided to grab a bite at the food court.
I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours: green, red,
orange and blue.
My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him
staring every time.

When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked,
"What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke
on his response; knowing he would have a good one. And in classic style
he did not bat an eye in his response.

"Got drunk once and f@#$ed a peacock.
I was just wondering if you were my son."
"

--------
"A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
* 2 litres of low fat milk
* a carton of eggs
* 2 litres of orange juice
* a head of lettuce
* half a dozen tomatoes
* a 500g jar of coffee
* a 250g pack of bacon
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a
drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of
the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk
calmly stated," You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was
intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.

She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly
unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk
to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well,
you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know
that?"

>The drunk replied, "Cos you're ugly."
"


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: MOSH on 22/08/2009, 08:35 PM
What's the difference between a Rooster parrot and a Pleasure Parrot??

A rooster parrot says "Cock-a-doodle-doo" while a pleasure parrot says "Any Cock'll Do!"


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Damit on 27/08/2009, 12:44 PM
The Husband Store
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:


You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!



So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:


Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.


She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:


Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.


'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'


So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:


Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.


'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.


She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:


Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:


Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.


She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:


Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.


PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.


The first floor has wives that love sex.


The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.


The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: KARNAGE on 27/08/2009, 04:15 PM
+1 for that damit, so LOL

these are a bit racist but they're the only ones i can think of now

What do you call a Greek parachutist?
Con Descending

What do you call a New Zealander with 20 girlfreinds?
A shepherd

What do you call a New Zealand Brothel?
a paddock

How do you know if a New Zealanders been in your house?
there's cum in your ugg boots


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Ametros on 27/08/2009, 07:30 PM
+1 for that damit, so LOL

these are a bit racist but they're the only ones i can think of now

What do you call a Greek parachutist?
Con Descending

What do you call a New Zealander with 20 girlfreinds?
A shepherd

What do you call a New Zealand Brothel?
a paddock

How do you know if a New Zealanders been in your house?
there's cum in your ugg boots

It may be wise to bear (strongly) in mind that a few of us here at Death Inc (myself included) are New Zealanders..

I must admit the shepherd one got a chuckle out of me, but the others are just sorta pushing it.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Damit on 28/08/2009, 12:06 AM
lucky you weren't here when i used to have a go at shaada

oh wait here is his avatar i kept giving him
(http://img59.imageshack.us/img59/6334/sheepyz9.gif)


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Noraa78 on 28/08/2009, 07:21 AM
what does a camera, a condom and a womans mouth have in common?


They were all designed to catch that special moment.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: bageled on 28/08/2009, 07:36 AM
1st day on the job

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
 
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, 'I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.'

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much. 
 
The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab.  I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.'



Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Chalice on 28/08/2009, 08:42 AM
ROFL..great joke


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Chalice on 28/08/2009, 08:43 AM
lucky you weren't here when i used to have a go at shaada

oh wait here is his avatar i kept giving him
(http://img59.imageshack.us/img59/6334/sheepyz9.gif)

Make it a goat and...SOLD


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: bageled on 28/08/2009, 01:14 PM
Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: KARNAGE on 28/08/2009, 05:19 PM
thats actually true, now if theres a problem they go to their dad or call an info line, what happened?  also ROFL at cab driver joke


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: KARNAGE on 01/09/2009, 06:05 PM
i heard some idiot tried to wank with sandpaper, one thing he thought was he could get the smoothest "wood" ever.

imagine having that dickhead (a strip of yellow "sponge material" was found at his forehead) around some DI members


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: YosimeteSam on 15/09/2009, 05:22 PM
Queensland Government at work.

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the Queensland Parliament Buildings. One is from  Ipswich, another from Logan and the third is from Kenmore.
 
All three go with a Parliament official to examine the fence.
 
The  Ipswich contractor takes out a tape measure, does some measuring then writes down some figures. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900, $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Logan contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700, $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Kenmore contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the Parliament official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The Kenmore contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Logan to fix the fence..."

"Done!" replied the government official.

And that, my friends, is politics Queensland style ! !


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Virgil83 on 15/09/2009, 05:47 PM
ROFL!... +1


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: KARNAGE on 16/09/2009, 04:31 PM
LOL, so thats where Kevin Rudd got the idea to give us all $900, he is from queensland and im guessing also from Kenmore


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: YosimeteSam on 16/09/2009, 07:38 PM
LOL, so thats where Kevin Rudd got the idea to give us all $900, he is from queensland and im guessing also from Kenmore

Correct!


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Number One on 21/09/2009, 07:00 PM
this made my day,
my wife says, why is a mans favorite sex position always on the bottom.
.....because men only know how to fuck up.!
she has a giggle and walks away to the bedroom.

i take off my belt wrap it round my right knuckles and follow......:%



Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Chalice on 21/09/2009, 09:38 PM
Lol...+1 anglo.

NOone tell my wife this joke...ok?


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: KARNAGE on 30/09/2009, 09:45 AM
there's two tampons.
what does one say to the other?




your a stuck-up cunt


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: DonutKing on 30/09/2009, 11:00 AM
Quote
And that, my friends, is politics Queensland style ! !

I worked for Queensland government for a while, sadly there is more than a grain of truth to this.


To contribute here's a filthy joke:



What sound does a baby make in a microwave?



Don't know, I was too busy masturbating







Also, I was in NZ in August and here is a pic of the cigarette vending machine from one of the bars at Queenstown:

(http://i38.tinypic.com/29y00f5.jpg)

For those who don't know who that is:
It's Freddy Mercury from the band Queen, a homosexual who died from an AIDS related disease


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Damit on 30/09/2009, 11:16 AM
 :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
 :PDT_Armataz_01_37:


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: bageled on 30/09/2009, 11:35 AM
hahahaha......queenstown, august [ears prick up] one plank or two?


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: DonutKing on 30/09/2009, 11:52 AM
One plank, went to Remarkables and Coronet peak, stayed at discovery lodge.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Borat Jr on 30/09/2009, 02:10 PM
hahaha. thats sick


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: DonutKing on 02/10/2009, 08:38 AM
Next time you're bored on a plane, or sitting next to some really annoying passenger- open up your laptop, go to this page and hit F11, and let the good times roll  ;)

http://www.thecleverest.com/countdown.swf

Beard and turban optional.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Project Alpha on 05/10/2009, 06:02 PM
Ok, so here are a few jokes I have heard and I apologise if they have been said but I didnt read all five pages.

What's better then seeing an Aboriginal spinning on a clothsline at 100kph?
Stopping him with a shovel.

Whats the difference between an aboriginal and a park bench?
A park bench can support a family.

What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing you have already told her twice.

How do you know your wife is dead?
The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

What do you buy from an aboriginal garage sale?
your stuff back.

I have more but am going to eat dinner hehe will post more later.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Number One on 06/10/2009, 06:50 AM
yep aboriginal jokes still offend. but since this thread is all about offending people keep them coming. :lipsrsealed:

its ok i am sure the gods will punish you later.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Project Alpha on 07/10/2009, 07:08 AM
A car full of aboriginals got hit by a train out the front of my house the other day, and i thought to myself. shit, that could have been me... and then I remembered I don't know how to drive a train.

I found a Christmas present I forgot to give the kids last year up in the Closet the other day, so I gave it to them. Should have seen there faces when they unwrapped it... poor kitten.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: bray182 on 07/10/2009, 10:07 AM
Why do abos smell

So blind people can hate them too


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: DonutKing on 07/10/2009, 02:21 PM
My home town has had some issues lately with racial violence.

I heard on the grapevine that the local police were looking for an abo basher.
I gave them a call but apparently it's not a job :(


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Z00111111 on 07/10/2009, 03:28 PM
yep aboriginal jokes still offend. but since this thread is all about offending people keep them coming. :lipsrsealed:

its ok i am sure the gods will punish you later.

But I'm white?


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: KARNAGE on 07/10/2009, 03:34 PM
i was gonna say the gods are colour blind, but even then theyd know you were white lol


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: MrX on 20/10/2009, 02:52 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R7__obhNTV4

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R7__obhNTV4


Show off gets mauled by own car.

Sorry but I think this is hilarious because this guy is so stupid

 :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o

Damit can't get video clip to show up in post, can you fix please. Ta


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Z00111111 on 20/10/2009, 06:20 PM
I don't find it funny, but I don't feel sorry for him either...


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: MrMagic on 20/10/2009, 08:17 PM
what a f@#king retard


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: mandatory05 on 20/10/2009, 08:44 PM
HAHAHAHAHAHAH!
Pwned.
What an arrogant dickhead, serves him right for showing off.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Robbojlr on 20/10/2009, 09:59 PM
haha owned


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: SolidSmiddi on 22/10/2009, 06:42 PM
Idiot.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Borat Jr on 22/10/2009, 06:45 PM
haha Freak stupid boy.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: YosimeteSam on 22/10/2009, 07:12 PM
I find that extremly funny...WTF i didn't leave that car there!!!!


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: bageled on 22/10/2009, 07:29 PM
keep your eyes on the prize


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Virgil83 on 17/11/2009, 03:11 PM
A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde are riding in an elevator. The redhead notices a spot on the elevator wall and says, "That looks like a cum stain!"

The brunette leans over and smells the stain. "Smells like a cum stain too!"

The blonde leans over and licks the spot on the elevator wall, then says, "Yep, but it’s nobody from this building."


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: KARNAGE on 17/11/2009, 03:20 PM
Three guys all go camping together and have to sleep in the same tent, knowing they all have girlfriends nobody was worried.

In the morning when they've woken up the guy who slept on the left said "i had the best dream, my girlfriend was there and we just kept doing it, there was cum everywhere, it was great".

The guy on the right said "thats so wierd, i had the exact same dream"

The guy in the middle said "thats wierd, I had a dream i went skiing".


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: mandatory05 on 17/11/2009, 03:26 PM
funny joke virg +1
i dont get it Karnage?


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: mandatory05 on 17/11/2009, 03:26 PM
OMG I JUST GOT IT!!!!
haha +1 mate


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: KARNAGE on 17/11/2009, 03:31 PM
lol,


One day a plane was about to crash, it was doing a nose dive and there was no possible way they were going to live.

The pilots gave the news and obviously everyone was scared. One woman who was a virgin stood up and ripped off her shirt and said "is there anyone here MAN enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stood up, ripped off his shirt and said "Here, Iron this".


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: MOSH on 17/11/2009, 04:02 PM
lol,


One day a plane was about to crash, it was doing a nose dive and there was no possible way they were going to live.

The pilots gave the news and obviously everyone was scared. One woman who was a virgin stood up and ripped off her shirt and said "is there anyone here MAN enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stood up, ripped off his shirt and said "Here, Iron this".
hahahahah +1 man that made my entire staff piss themselves!!


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: mandatory05 on 17/11/2009, 04:09 PM
lol, gotta love the sexist ones.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: bageled on 03/12/2009, 02:59 PM
Paddy  & Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster!
Paddy  missed the tube & Mick came on the bus!!


A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whiskey. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink. He replied in disgust 'I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!' Paddy handed his drink back & said 'Me too, I didnt know we had a choice!'





Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks 'How many people are flying with you?'
Paddy replies 'I dont know! Its your f***ing plane!!'





Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night. After 3 hours of amazing sex Paddy says 'I wonder how the girls are getting on'

Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses & lies on the bed spreadeagled & says 'You know what I want dont you?'
'Yeah,' says Paddy. 'The whole friggin bed by the looks of it!'

Q. Whats a Catholic priest & a pint of Guiness got in common?
A. black coat, white collar & you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!

Paddy the electrician got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!

Paddy's chat up lines:
1.       Did ya fart? 'Cos ya just blew me away!
2.       Are your parents retarded? 'Cos your special!
3.       My love for you is like diarrhoea. I just cant hold it in!
4.       Is there a mirror in your knickers? 'Cos I can see myself in them!
5.       Your body reminds me of a spanner. Evertime I think of you my nuts tighten up!
6.       You might not be the best looking girl in here, but beauty is only a light switch away!

Paddy & his wife are lying in bed & the neighbour's dog is barking like  mad in the garden. Paddy says 'To hell with this!' & storms off..
He comes back upstairs 5 mins later & his wife asks 'What did you do?'
Paddy replies 'Ive put the dog in our garden,lets see how they like it!'

Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick say 'Crikey! Theres a bloke here who was 152!'
Paddy says 'Whats his name?'
Mick replies 'Miles from London !'

An Irishman is rowing his boat in a field of hay. Paddy drives past &  stops. He looks at the Irishman in the boat & shouts 'Its thick twits like you that give us Irish a bad name! I'd come over there & kick the f**k out of you if I could swim!'


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: SolidSmiddi on 03/12/2009, 07:03 PM
they are GOLD Bageled. love em.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: yogi on 03/12/2009, 08:42 PM
A wise man once said ...
treat ur women
the way u treat ur vacuum cleaner
when it stops sucking
change the F$#king  bag!! :PDT_Armataz_01_12:


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: yogi on 03/12/2009, 08:49 PM
little Patrick asked 4 a bike 4 his birthday.
his dad said "we'd get u 1 but our mortgage is 280,000 and you mum has lost her job"
next day Patrick walked out with his suitcase packed, his dad asked where you going son?
Patrick replied " i walked past your room last night and heard u telling mum u where pulling out, then i heard mum tell u 2 wait coz she was coming too. and im not staying here on me own with an 280,000 mortgage and no fuckin bike


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: bageled on 04/12/2009, 07:17 AM
This is a quick story about the bond formed between a little girl and a
group of building workers. It’s allegedly true and might help to confirm
your belief in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human
race.

A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a
gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot.

The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the
activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung
around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less
adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her,
let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her
little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important..
They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled
her immensely.

At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay
envelope containing $3 in 10c coins. The little girl took her ‘pay’ home to
her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day
to open a savings account. At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink
listening to the little girl telling her about her ‘work’ on the building
site and the fact she had a ‘pay packet’.

“You must have worked very hard to earn all this”, said the cashier.

The little girl proudly replied, “Yes, I worked every day with Steve and
Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house.”

“My goodness gracious,” said the cashier, “And will you be working on the
house again next week?

The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously:
:
:
:
:
:
:
:
:
:

:

:

:

“I think so. Provided those Wankers at Placemakers deliver the fucking bricks..” 



Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Z00111111 on 04/12/2009, 08:38 AM
lol, that's brilliant Bageled.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: KARNAGE on 20/12/2009, 10:33 AM
Why did Hitler kill himself?





He saw his gas bill.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: bray182 on 22/12/2009, 11:28 PM
went into game store today looking for grand theft auto. the sales girl didnt know what it was so asked me to describe it for her. i told her it was about a black guy driving around with an iron bar, crashing cars, rooting women and evading police. the stupid sales girl gave me Tiger Woods PGA 2010!!


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Damit on 23/12/2009, 12:04 AM
bohica sent me that a week ago and it is gold


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Chalice on 23/12/2009, 12:29 AM
A boy got fired from his job at the local fish & chip shop

The dad furious goes into the store and says to the owner "Why did you fire my son?"

The owner replied "Because i found him with the potato peeler up his arse"

"Can I see this potato peeler?" the dad asks

"NO I FIRED HIM AS WELL" the owner screams


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Chalice on 23/12/2009, 12:32 AM
A girl asks her doctor "how many calories are in cum?"

The Doctor reply's "Honey if you swallow, nobody gives a flying fuck if your fat!!!"


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Chalice on 23/12/2009, 12:38 AM
2 guys and a girl are standing on the roof of the empire state building getting drunk.

The first guy turns to the second guy and says "I bet you, that I can jump off this roof and fall 30 stories and using the thermal updrafts from this building I will come to a stop and then float gently back up and land safely on the roof"

The second guy says "Fuck me..you're on" at which point the first guy takes a running jump and leaps off the building...

he falls 10 stories...20...30...and then comes to a stop and begins floating gently upwards..eventually landing on the roof.

The 2nd guys says "fuck me i've gotta give that a try!!"..and leaps off the building...he falls 10 stories..20...30...50..100... SPLAT

The girl turns to the 1st guy and says "Fuck you can be a cunt when you're on the piss Superman!!!!"


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: MrX on 24/12/2009, 09:06 AM
This is GOLD
DIARY OF A POMMIE IN WESTERN AUSTRALIA .


August 31 - Just got transferred with work from Leeds UK to our new home in Karratha , Western Australia . Now this is a town that knows how to live! Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. I watched the sunset from a deckchair by the pool yesterday. It was beautiful. I've finally found my new home. I love it here.


September 13 - Really heating up now. It got to 31 today. No problem though. Living in air-conditioned home, driving air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a sun-worshipper.


September 30th - Had the back yard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks. No more mowing lawns for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.


October 10th - The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least today it's windy though. Keeps the flies off a bit. Acclimatizing is taking longer than I expected.


October 15th - Fell asleep by the pool yesterday. Got third degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed three days of work. What a dumb thing to do! Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.


October 20th - Didn't notice Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car before I left for work this morning. By the time I got back to the car after work, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stuck to the upholstery. The car now smells like Whiskettes and cat shit. I've earned my lesson though: no more pets in this heat.


October 25 - This wind is a bastard. It feels like a giant f&*kin' blow dryer. And it's hot as hell! The home air conditioner is on the blink and the repair man charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needs to order parts from f&*kin' Perth ....


October 30th - The temperature's up around 40 and the parts still haven't arrived for the f&*kin' aircon. Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. Bloody $600,000 house and we can't even go inside. Why the hell did I ever come here?


November 4 - Finally got the ol' aircon fixed. It cost $1,500 and gets the temperature down to around 25 degrees, but the humidity makes it feel about 30. Stupid repairman.


November 8 - If one more smart arse says 'Hot enough for you today?' I'm going to f&*kin' throttle him. F&*kin' heat! By the time I get to work, the car's radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking f&*kin' wet and I smell like baked cat!




November 9 Tried to run some errands after work, wore shorts, and sat on the black leather upholstery in the ol' car. I thought my f&*kin' arse was on fire. I lost two layers of flesh, all the hair on the backs of my legs and my f&*kin' arse. Now the car smells like burnt hair, fried arse and baked cat!


November 10 - Weather report! It might as well be a f&*kin' recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny, Hot and f&*kin' sunny! It's been too hot to do anything for two f&*kin' months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week.


November 15 - Doesn't it ever rain in this damn f&*kin' place? Water restrictions will be next, so my $5,000 worth of palms might just dry up and blow into the f&*kin' pool. The only things that thrive in this hell-hole are the f&*kin' flies. You don't dare open your mouth for fear of swallowing half a dozen of the fuckers!


November 20th - Welcome to HELL! It got to 45 f&*kin' degrees today. Now the air conditioner's gone in my car. The repair man came to fix it and said, 'Hot enough for you today?' I had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail me out of jail for assaulting the stupid fucker. F&*kin' Karratha! What kind of sick, demented f&*kin' idiot would want to live here!


December 1 -


WHAT!!!!


The first day of Summer!!!!


You have got to be f&*kin' kidding me..................


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Chalice on 24/12/2009, 09:09 AM
ROFL Thats Gold +1 for findin it


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: MrX on 24/12/2009, 09:12 AM
laughed my arse off reading it. LOL


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Dex on 24/12/2009, 09:40 AM
haha I used to live about 2 hours away from karratha. The Pom is not wrong, up north is shit.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: KARNAGE on 25/12/2009, 09:48 AM
Whats the differance between Santa Clause and Tiger Woods?

Santa stopped after 3 ho's




Whats the differance between Thomas the tank engine and Princess Diana?

Thomas made it through the tunnel.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Jakes2142 on 25/12/2009, 05:51 PM
Q. Did you hear about the man who finally figured out women?
A. He died laughing before he could tell anyone.

Q. What does a blonde call a blow job in a honda?
A. her civic duty.

A jackeroo radioed back to the stations manger.
'boss' he siad ' I've gotta problem. I hit a pig with the ute. The pig's still alive but he's stuck in the bull bar and he's wriggling and sqealing so much i can't get him out.'
the manager told him, ' here's what you do. theres a .303 rifle behind the seat - take it out and shoot the pig in the head. then you'll be able to remove him safely.'
Five minutes later the farm hand called back.
' I did what you said, boss. I took the .303 and shoot the pig in the head and got him out of the bull bar. but i still can't get going'
'Now whats up?' roared the boss.
'it's his motorbike. the flashing blue light is stuck under the right front wheel arch, and...boss? you still there boss?'


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Chalice on 25/12/2009, 06:29 PM
LOLZ Karnage & Jakes Gold +1


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: KARNAGE on 26/12/2009, 10:11 AM
A guy was going to do a oral presentation for a country town and as soon as he stepped on the stage some guy said "whats with your hair".

There was nothing wrong with his hair but he felt like saying "whats with your town" but knew he shouldn't.

the man was sitting next to a very pregnant woman and the guy couldn't even start without this guy chanting "YOU SUCK *clap* get off" so he responded.

"if you said that to your girlfriend she wouldn't be pregnant".


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: KARNAGE on 02/01/2010, 01:11 AM
Chuck Norris jokes...


Chuck Norris uses a nightlight...



because the dark is scared of him.

Chuck Norris is stronger than science because he has the element of surprise.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass...at night

Chuck Norris is the reason why Wally is hiding.

you cant search "Chuck Norris" on Google... Chuck Norris searches you

Chuck Norris left for his destination in the morning, and arrived the night before

When the boogeyman goes to sleep, he checks for Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris doesn't wear a condom becuase there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris

They once made Chuck Norris toilet paper...but it wouldn't take shit from anyone

behind every succesful man, there is a woman
behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch. he decides what the time is.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Chalice on 02/01/2010, 01:03 PM
I honestly still love Chuck Norris lines + 1


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Dex on 02/01/2010, 01:24 PM
who doesnt? +1


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: SolidSmiddi on 08/01/2010, 05:57 PM

A man is in a supermarket and see's a boy crying because the boy is lost.

The man says "Dont worry, well find your mum. Whats your mum like?"

The little boy replies "big dicks a tequila slammers"

.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: YosimeteSam on 11/01/2010, 01:50 PM

The Moped
 
An elderly man on a Moped,
looking about 100 years old,
pulls up next to a doctor at a street light.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car
And asks, ' What kind of car ya got there, sonny ?'
 
The doctor replies, ' A Porsche 911 twin-turbo with an extra performance kit.
It cost half a million dollars ! '
 
' That's a lot of money,' says the old man.
' Why does it cost so much?'

 ' Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour !'  States the doctor proudly.
 
The Moped driver asks, 'Mind if I take a look inside ?'
 
' No problem,' replies the doctor.
 
So the old man pokes his head in the window
And looks around.  Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says,
 'That's a pretty nice car, all right...
 but I'll stick with my Moped !'
 
Just then the light changes,
so the doctor decides to show
the old man just what his car can do. 
He floors it, and within 30 seconds
the speedometer reads 160 mph.
 
Suddenly, he notices a dot
in his rear view mirror.
It seems to be getting closer !
 
He slows down to see what it could be
and suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH !
 
Something whips by him going much faster !
 
' What on earth could be going faster than my Porsche?' the doctor asks himself.
 
 He presses harder on the accelerator
and takes the Porsche up to 250 mph.
 
Then, up ahead of him,
he sees that it's the old man on the Moped !
 
Amazed that the Moped could pass his Porsche,
he gives it more gas
and passes the Moped at 275 mph
and he's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN !
 
Astounded by the speed of this old guy,
he floors the gas pedal and takes the Porsche all the way up to 320 mph.
 
Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again !
 The Porsche is flat out,
and there's nothing he can do !
 
Suddenly, the Moped plows
into the back of his Porsche,
demolishing the rear end.
 
The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably
the old man is still alive.
 
He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says,
 ' I'm a doctor.... Is there anything I can do for you ?'
 
The old man whispers,
 ' Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror '
 
 
 


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Damit on 11/01/2010, 02:14 PM
bahahahahahaha


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: MOSH on 11/01/2010, 05:34 PM
rofls. funny 'old coot' jokes always do well!


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: bageled on 12/01/2010, 05:36 PM
heh heh


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: YosimeteSam on 14/01/2010, 06:21 PM
This is a must read.....scroll down the bottom to read the sign off when the letter is finished.......    :thumbup:




 Life in the Australian Army...

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small   town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland )

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the station - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody horses to get in, no calves to feed, no troughs to clean - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or goanna stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the bullock paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody dingo's arse and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.














































Your loving daughter,

Susan   


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Damit on 14/01/2010, 06:25 PM
read it before and its good
i think i may of posted somewhere on here before


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Jakes2142 on 14/01/2010, 06:54 PM
If the world is ending, a woman will want time to fix her hair. If the world's ending, a woman will take time to tell a man something he's done wrong.

In his experience, old memories or new, there were only two times a woman admitted she was wrong: when she wanted something, and when it snowed at midsummer.

Married men always seemed worried...He appeared to be another without a full set of wits. He probalbly had a wife somewhere.

We'll talk about it," she murmured....The most dire words a woman can say, short of "I'm going to kill you.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Number One on 14/01/2010, 09:56 PM
true story. no shit my grandpa was there....

WW2 tobruk

two British soldiers  walk back into the perimiter with a dozen german prisoners, the british officer on duty asks how they captured them the first bloke says: we got seperated from our patrol in the dark, and we heard voices, we thought they were our blokes so we jumped into the ditch with them, but as soon as we did that they turned around and we saw they where germans,
officer: but how did you take them prisoner?



other pom said: i yelled in my strongest Australian accent "who's first ya flamin mongrels" and they all put their hands up.

no fucken shit, my grandfarther used to tell this one when he had had a few, he used to laugh his arse off.  mind you he never used to find it funny to talk about too much else.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Chalice on 15/01/2010, 01:25 AM
Gold +1 to you and ur grandpa mate...go the Anzacs


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Noraa78 on 15/01/2010, 05:56 AM
heard a story of my grandfather in wau,..
He and his mate were barrelling through the scrub, (not sure why) but anyways, they come out on a track face to face with a couple of japs. the next few seconds were a little hazy, but the japs had the upperhand and would have taken my grandfather and his mate prisoner if my grandfather hadn't kicked the jap closest to him in the nuts and bolted back into the bush.

He never did tell the story, but it was rumoured to have happened. After his death and my old man started doing some research and had a chat with a few of the diggers he served with, one of them was the other guy and recounted the story. I'm sure there are numerous stories like this, but i have a little chuckle when i think about it


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: bageled on 27/01/2010, 08:21 AM
lol at Sammy's one


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Proeliator on 03/02/2010, 08:23 PM
Found these in a magazine i was reading, thought they were funny so I typed 'em up. Enjoy! :PDT_Armataz_01_34:

The Welfare Check

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his cheque.

He marched straight up to counter and said "Hi. You know,
I just hate drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent.
We just got a job offer from a very wealthy old man who wants a
chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful young daughter"

You'll also have to drive his 2008 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.
Because of the long hours meals will be provided.

You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.

This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy
her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid 20's and has a rather strong sex drive.

A two bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc.
located above the garage, will be designated for your sole use, and the salary is $200,000 a year!

The guy, wide-eyed said "You're bullshittin' me"

The social worker said "Yeah, well......you started it".



Joke of the week

A rich bloke decided to celebrate his birthday by inviting his friends and neighbors to his mansion
for a massive piss-up. To show that he was a caring and compassionate guy, he also invited
Geoffrey, the only aboriginal in town.
Everyone was getting stuck into the piss when the rich bloke said "I have a 5m crocodile in my pool
and i'll give $1 million to anyone brave enough to jump in there with it".
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned to see
Geoffrey had jumped into the pool.
The brave fella started punching the shit out of the crocodile, poking it in the eyes and choking it.
Finally, Geoffrey beat the crocodile to death and climbed out of the pool while the beast floated
there like a turd in a bathtub.
"Well done Geoffrey" grinned the host in amazement. "I reckon i owe you $1 million".
"Nah, that's alright, I don't want it", replied Geoffrey.
"But i have to give you something, you won the bet. How about half a million?"
"Nah you keep it"
"Come on, I insist on giving you something, what you did was amazing, just tell me what you want"
"I want the name of the cunt who pushed me in the pool".



"Peaches"
Norm was driving through the middle of nowhere when he turned and corner and saw a fruit and veg stand,
with a sign by the side of the road reading "We have peaches that taste like anything and everything - Guaranteed!"
Norm thought that sounded amazing, so he pulled his car to the side of the road and walked up to the
old man who was tending the shop. "Sounds like bullshit to me mate"
"Do you have one that tastes like strawberry's and cream?" asked Norm. The old grabbed a peach from under
the desk and handed it to Norm.
"Yum tastes like strawberry's" said Norm.
"Turn it around" said the old guy.
Norm turned the peach around and discovered the other side tasted like cream.
He thought it was great so he asked the old man if he had a peach that tasted like steak and baked potato.
The shopkeeper said he did and gave him another peach.
"Yum, tastes like steak" said Norm.
"Turn it around"
Again Norm turned his peach around and was delighted that the other side tasted like potato.
he thought real hard, then asked the old guy if he had a peach that tasted like pussy.
The shopkeeper said he did, and handed Norm another peach, but when Norm bit into it he spat it out.
"Ugh, this tastes like shit!" said Norm.
The old man just grinned and said,
"Turn it around"


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: bray182 on 03/02/2010, 08:32 PM
+1 for the second joke, hahahahahaha i loved that one


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Sgt.fatman on 06/02/2010, 04:53 PM
how many men does it take to open a beer


...... none it should be open when she brings it to you


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: emmabimbo on 06/02/2010, 05:31 PM
Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two 'working girls' and take

them to their separate hotel rooms.


The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is

made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his friend

shouting out cries of 'Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE .... UGH!' Here I

come again! ONE, TWO, THREE.... UGH!' Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE ...

UGH!' ... ALL NIGHT LONG.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, 'How did it go?' The first

mutters, 'It was Embarrassing.. I just couldn't get an erection.'


The second dwarf shook his head. 'You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't

get on the bed.'


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: SolidSmiddi on 06/02/2010, 05:36 PM
^ GOLD


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Ametros on 06/02/2010, 05:47 PM
^ GOLD

Seconded and +1.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Z00111111 on 07/02/2010, 06:51 AM
lol that's so fucking wrong it's awesome Emma.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: emmabimbo on 08/02/2010, 06:51 PM
But hey I have more!

A cannibal walks into the clearing his tribe uses for a toilet. He sees his best friend having a shit and crying his eyes out.
"What's wrong with you?" he asks.
His pal looks up at him with watery eyes and asys "I've just dumped my girlfriend."


Baahhhhaaaaaa...!


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: KARNAGE on 08/02/2010, 08:07 PM
how do you describe trust?

2 cannibals doing 69

also I had to do another Tiger woods one

How do you know if a golfer is a sex addict?
He gets an erection at every hole.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: naf on 19/02/2010, 06:50 AM
A woman sitting in an Adelaide Pub suddenly began to cough.
After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress, 
And two locals, Bluey and Bazza sitting at the next table turned to look at her.

Ken ya swaller? Asked Bluey.

The woman signalled 'No!', desperately shaking her head.

Kin ya breathe?' asked Bazza. The woman shook her head No!!!

With that, Bluey walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress, 
Yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of 
Her bum. 

This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew
out of her mouth and she began to breathe again. 

Bluey swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.

Bazza said in admiration 'Ya know Bluey, I'd heard of that bloody 
Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I ever seen 
somebody do it.'!!!


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Jstar on 19/02/2010, 04:31 PM
LOL
Thats awesomee yet so wrong


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: mandatory05 on 20/02/2010, 08:31 PM
Ok, heres a sexist one...

A woman gets hit by a truck, whose fault was it?
The truck driver's, what the fuck was the truck doing in the kitchen?


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: JEMIMAISAWESOMERTHANJOE on 21/02/2010, 08:55 AM
lol


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Noraa78 on 02/03/2010, 01:04 PM
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: MrX on 02/03/2010, 01:41 PM
Thats frackin GOLD Noraa


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: SolidSmiddi on 02/03/2010, 05:39 PM
A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods.

The bear turns to the rabbit and asks him "rabbit, when you take a shit, do you you have any problems with shit sticking to your fur?"

The rabbit replies, "no problems at all, mr bear".

So the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his ass with him.



Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: bageled on 02/03/2010, 09:22 PM
#Invalid YouTube Link#.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: KARNAGE on 03/03/2010, 02:23 PM
Why aren't women good truck drivers?


You give them a load and it takes 9 months to deliver.


Also this is story that happened to a mate of mine.

He was waiting in the car minding his own business until he looks over a few car ports and sees some girl wearing a skirt leaning on a car, she then pulls the back of her skirt up (where my mate is really interested) and puts her finger up her ass.

She then pulls it back out and smells it. Then puts it back in.


and finally.

A prep teacher asks her class "say words that eat things up" that end in "or"
so she asks a kid one and he says "predator"
she says "good, any more?"
he says "condor"
she says "good, any more?"
he says "vibrator"

after nearly falling off her chair she says "good try, but it doesn't eat things"
the little boy says "my sister said it eats up batteries"


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: bageled on 04/03/2010, 07:14 AM
Also this is story that happened to a mate of mine.

He was waiting in the car minding his own business until he looks over a few car ports and sees some girl wearing a skirt leaning on a car, she then pulls the back of her skirt up (where my mate is really interested) and puts her finger up her ass.

She then pulls it back out and smells it. Then puts it back in.


Damn, you really gotta wonder...smelled like lube?

(http://pleasurevilla.net/imp/GB101.jpg)


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: YosimeteSam on 04/03/2010, 07:23 AM
lol


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: KARNAGE on 06/03/2010, 09:56 AM
Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?


Anyone who can run,jump or swim is already out of the country.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Jstar on 06/03/2010, 12:42 PM
Thats Good +1


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: KARNAGE on 14/03/2010, 04:26 PM
What do you call an Aboriginal on your letter box?


Black mail.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: KARNAGE on 14/03/2010, 07:41 PM
Mitch & Pat were looking out on a pier when they saw a huge ship, which had scuba divers on it.

Pat "I wonder why they (scuba divers) fall in backwards"

Mitch "what?"

Pat "they always fall in backwards, why don't they go forward?"

Mitch "don't be f*cken stupid, they'd fall back in the boat"


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: ReRoll.au on 16/03/2010, 09:29 AM
Yo' Mama is so fat,  when she goes to the beach, she's the only one who gets a tan.

LOL:

Signs your mate is having cyber sex:

10) He is getting amazingly  fast at typing with 1 hand!
9) After signing off she always has a cigarette!
8) After she gets off, the screen's all fogged up!
7) During sex he screams, "a: \ enter insert!"
6) After he uses the computer, the seat is all sticky!
5) Your fax is filled with some guy's ass!
4) The INSERT key on your keyboard is all worn out!
3) The only 3 keys that aren't stiff are: S, E, X!
2) The keyboard is moist!
1) She comes home with a rubber+- inflatable disk drive!


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: KARNAGE on 16/03/2010, 02:23 PM
ya mum's so fat, she only knows 3 letters in the alphabet
K
F
C


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: KARNAGE on 30/03/2010, 10:42 AM
these are some pretty bad ones but anyway...

Why do women have trouble peeing in the morning?

Have you ever tried opening a toasted cheese sandwich?


Why aren't women trusted?

do you trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesnt die?


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: naf on 31/03/2010, 06:29 AM
Last night I was talking to a young, good looking woman.

 
She asked me if I liked breasts or legs.

 
I told her what I really liked was a shaved snatch.

 
Apparently I'm no longer welcome at KFC.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: bageled on 31/03/2010, 09:34 AM
That really happened to you didn't it Naf?


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: SolidSmiddi on 31/03/2010, 09:56 AM
A guy went to the doctors for a regular checkup.

The Doctor started to check him out and quickly said "You need to stop masturbating".

To which the man said "why is that?"

The doctor replied "because its really hard to check you out while you are doing it".



Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: naf on 31/03/2010, 10:38 AM
That really happened to you didn't it Naf?

I AM NOT AN ANIMAL


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Noraa78 on 13/04/2010, 12:49 PM
Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Ametros on 13/04/2010, 12:55 PM
Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records


That's good. +1


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: KARNAGE on 22/04/2010, 08:51 PM
How many Adelaide footballers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They can't even climb the ladder.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Ametros on 22/04/2010, 09:35 PM
How many Adelaide footballers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They can't even climb the ladder.

Ouch. Did you think that one up?


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Chalice on 23/04/2010, 04:44 PM
Why is the space between a womans breasts and her hips called a waist?

Cuz you could easily fit another pair of tits in that gap.



Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: DonutKing on 23/04/2010, 04:54 PM
But then it truly would be a waste because you only have 2 hands :(

3 tits is cool though
(http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_qoBrhCkYpVQ/SOAJYy6CLdI/AAAAAAAAATo/DRDROlhYIqo/s400/woman+with+3+boobs.jpg)


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Jstar on 23/04/2010, 04:55 PM
This Looks Shopped!


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: JEMIMAISAWESOMERTHANJOE on 23/04/2010, 11:54 PM
holy mother of god thats creepy.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Project Alpha on 24/04/2010, 09:01 AM
Holy crap... that is weird

What has 26 legs and can't climb a ladder?

The Storm.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: JEMIMAISAWESOMERTHANJOE on 24/04/2010, 09:23 AM
Holy crap... that is weird

What has 26 legs and can't climb a ladder?

The Storm.

that joke is an fb group.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: RoBB_NZL on 24/04/2010, 09:35 AM
But then it truly would be a waste because you only have 2 hands :(

3 tits is cool though
(http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_qoBrhCkYpVQ/SOAJYy6CLdI/AAAAAAAAATo/DRDROlhYIqo/s400/woman+with+3+boobs.jpg)

Thats just plain fucked up


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: KARNAGE on 24/04/2010, 10:58 AM
Holy crap... that is weird

What has 26 legs and can't climb a ladder?

The Storm.
that one was good ya bastard, i love the storm, good one though +1


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Virgil83 on 24/04/2010, 07:37 PM
But then it truly would be a waste because you only have 2 hands :(

3 tits is cool though
(http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_qoBrhCkYpVQ/SOAJYy6CLdI/AAAAAAAAATo/DRDROlhYIqo/s400/woman+with+3+boobs.jpg)

Thats just plain fucked up

Oh I dunno... that could be something worth doing, well, at least, it would be, if it was real...


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Chalice on 24/04/2010, 08:00 PM
I know i'd do it..one for each hand and one for NOM NOM NOM


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: KARNAGE on 25/04/2010, 09:12 PM
10. Yo Momma so fat she steps on a scale & it goes one at a time please.


9. Yo Momma so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave she landed on 12th.


8. Yo Momma so fat she fell in love and broke it.


7. Yo Momma so fat she jumped up in the air and got stuck.


6. Yo Momma so fat I tried to drive around her and I ran out of gas.


5. Yo Momma so fat she uses a mattress for a tampon.


4. Yo Momma so fat she went to the movies and sat next to everyone.


3. Yo Momma so fat when she bungee jumps she goes straight to hell.


2. Yo Momma so fat she's on both sides of the family.


1. Yo Momma so fat she sat on a dollar and squeezed a booger out George Washington's nose.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: SolidSmiddi on 26/04/2010, 09:03 AM
Yo Mamma is so fat her belt size is "equator".

Yo Mamma is so fat she has her own postcode.

Yo Mamma is so fat she walked in front of the TV and I missed 3 commercials.

Yo Mamma is so fat the horse on her polo shirt is real.

Yo Mamma is so fat her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard.

Yo Mamma is so fat when she went in the water the level rose 3 feet. In the ocean!

Yo Mamma is so fat small objects orbit her.


Yo Mamma is so poor I saw her kicking a can down the street. I asked her "what are you doing?" She said "moving".

Yo Mamma is so poor, when she goes to KFC, she has to lick other people's fingers

Yo Mamma is so ugly they filmed Gorillas in the mist in her shower.

.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: KARNAGE on 26/04/2010, 10:55 AM
ya mums so dumb she got locked into Forty Winks and slept on the floor

ya mums so fat she got locked into coles and starved to death


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: bray182 on 01/05/2010, 04:49 PM
late i know but thought i'd post them up

What has 34 legs and can't climb a ladder?
Melbourne Storm

What's the difference between a toothpick and the Melbourne Storm?
At least a toothpick has 2 points

How many Melbourne Storm players does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they can't even climb the ladder

I went into K-mart the other day and got myself a Melbourne Storm dinner set, i had to take it back though, there were 2 cups missing


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: KARNAGE on 02/05/2010, 06:09 PM
"Justin Beiber brings all the girls to the yard and they're like, can you even get hard."

I wanna see that become a song :)


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: bray182 on 02/05/2010, 06:36 PM
"Justin Beiber brings all the girls to the yard and they're like, can you even get hard."

I wanna see that become a song :)

Stolen from a facebook group?


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Jstar on 02/05/2010, 06:59 PM
Half of the Melb Storm jokes were seemingly stolen from FB :P


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: bray182 on 02/05/2010, 07:14 PM
only 1 actually


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: KezKa on 04/05/2010, 02:28 PM
What's the difference between a park bench and a black fella?
 
A park bench can support a family... :PDT_Armataz_01_14:


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: KezKa on 04/05/2010, 02:29 PM
I love ppl who bag out justin bieber :P


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: KezKa on 04/05/2010, 03:03 PM
dwanne so true with kfc ???


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: KARNAGE on 04/05/2010, 03:14 PM
a man gives a girl a rose,

while she is looking at it, the man says "I showed you my flower, no you show me yours" :)


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: redivan on 09/05/2010, 05:37 PM
THE WEDDING NIGHT

Paul and Mary get married

but couldn't afford a honeymoon -
so they go back to Paul's Mom and Dad's house

for their first night together.

In the morning
Johnny - Paul's little brother -

gets up and has his breakfast.

As he is going out of the door

to go to school - he asks his mom

if Paul and Mary are up yet.

She replies - No.

Johnny asks - Do you know what I think ?


His mom replies - I don't want to hear

what you think !


Just go to school.

Johnny comes home for lunch

and asks his mom -
Are Paul and Mary up yet ?

She replies - No.

Johnny says - Do you know what I think ?

His mom replies - Never mind what you think !


Eat your lunch and go back to school ..

After school - Johnny comes home and asks again -
Are Paul and Mary up yet ?

His mom says - No.

He asks - Do you know what I think ?

His mom replies - Ok - now tell me what you think

He says - Last night Paul came to my room for the

Vaseline --- and I think..


I gave him my airplane glue.


This ones mine;

*TF2 lovers*


What do you get when you cross The Ambassador and an Übercharge?

Diplomatic Immunity


Last week was my birthday and I didn’t feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, “Happy Birthday!”, and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone “Happy Birthday.”

I thought… Well, that’s marriage for you, but the kids… They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn’t say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, “Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!”

It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o’clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, “You know, It’s such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.”

I said, “Thanks, Jane, that’s the greatest thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go !”

We went to lunch.. But we didn’t go where we normally would go. She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, “You know, It’s such a beautiful day… We don’t need to go straight back to the office, Do We?”

I responded, “I guess not. What do you have in mind ?” She said, “Let’s drop by my apartment, it’s just around the corner.”

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, “Boss, if you don’t mind, I’m going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I’ll be right back.”

“Ok.” I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake … Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing “Happy Birthday”.



And I just sat there.



On the couch.



Naked.


...

...with a hard-on.
 

:P



Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Ametros on 09/05/2010, 05:56 PM
+1 Redivan - it's obvious you fit in here! :D


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: ENGAGE on 09/05/2010, 06:09 PM
Why did princess Dianna cross the road?
She wasn't wearing her seat belt.....  ???


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: JEMIMAISAWESOMERTHANJOE on 09/05/2010, 06:16 PM
not cool.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Chalice on 09/05/2010, 06:21 PM
Why did princess Dianna cross the road?
She wasn't wearing her seat belt.....  ???

LOL...bad taste..but LOL


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: KARNAGE on 09/05/2010, 06:22 PM
i think i posted this but...

Whats the differance between princess diana and thomas the tank engine?


Thomas made it through the tunnel.


love the TF2 one btw


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: ENGAGE on 09/05/2010, 06:54 PM
not cool.

You love it


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: KezKa on 10/05/2010, 03:20 PM
thats pro karnage.. lol ;D


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: KezKa on 10/05/2010, 03:30 PM
Two factory workers were talking.
"I think I'll take some time off from work." said the man.
"How do you think you'll do that?" said the blonde.
He proceeded to climb up to the rafters and hung from them upside down.
The boss walked in, saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he was doing.
"I'm a light bulb," answered the guy.
"I think you need some time off," said the boss.
So, the man jumped down and walked out of the factory.
The blonde began walking out too.
The boss asked her where she thought she was going.
The blonde answered, "Home. I can't work in the dark."

Quite funny i thought... :PDT_Armataz_01_12:


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: KARNAGE on 11/05/2010, 04:10 PM
you know i heard princess diana was on the radio..........and the dashboard.........and the windscreen.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: DonutKing on 11/05/2010, 05:27 PM
^ we were telling that joke within about 20 minutes of hearing about her death, back in 1997


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: DonutKing on 13/05/2010, 01:50 PM
Q: How do you prevent a deaf girl from reporting a rape?
A: Break her fingers


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Chalice on 13/05/2010, 01:52 PM
DUDE.....wrong...go to the naughty corner



Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: DonutKing on 13/05/2010, 01:58 PM
Yeah that was my reaction too, so I thought some people here might appreciate it...

I should point out that that joke is entirely in jest, I do not condone breaking deaf people's fingers. (Or rape for that matter)



Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Chalice on 13/05/2010, 02:00 PM
Explain that to the poor maimed girl screaming away on my front lawn :(


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Ametros on 13/05/2010, 02:03 PM
Yeah that was my reaction too, so I thought some people here might appreciate it...

I should point out that that joke is entirely in jest, I do not condone breaking deaf people's fingers. (Or rape for that matter)



I find it amusing how rape is the after-thought..


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: DonutKing on 13/05/2010, 02:06 PM
It's not rape if they smile.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Chalice on 13/05/2010, 04:17 PM
or orgasm

Fuck we're bad ppl


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Project Alpha on 13/05/2010, 06:28 PM
What do you buy from an abo garage sale?
your shit back.

What did the  15 year old abo girl say as she lost her virginity?
Dad get off me your crushing my smokes.


SO... we were hiding the christmas presents from the kids and found one we forgot to give them last year, so we decided to give it to them. Should have seen there faces when they unwrapped it...
Poor Kitten





Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: DonutKing on 13/05/2010, 08:43 PM
LMAO at the garage sale one.... I feel dirty for laughing at it


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: bray182 on 13/05/2010, 09:37 PM
Greetings Collegues,

Just need to vent.

My job is so ******* unbelievable. I'll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with:

First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless. The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on makeup. She is extremely self-centered and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself. She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe.

The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet. Her career opportunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10. I'm not sure she even showers, much less shaves her "womanly" parts. I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store, she moans like a cat in heat.

But the jewel of the crowd has got to be the ******* stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead. In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I'm sure after work. He probably hasn't been sober anytime in the last ten years, and he's only 22. He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960's, and to make things worse, he brings his big ******* dog to work. Every ******* day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke. Hell, sometimes I even think it's trying to talk with its constant bellowing. Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonalds and Burger King, every single ******* day.

Anyway, I drive these idiots around in my van and we solve mysteries and shit.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: KezKa on 15/05/2010, 10:18 AM
What's the difference between Justin Bieber and Lady Gaga?

Lady Gaga has balls. :PDT_Armataz_01_14:


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: KARNAGE on 18/05/2010, 09:18 PM
I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed
my gas with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, I
started to feel better. I finished my coffee,
and noticed that
everybody was staring at me....

Then I suddenly remembered that I
was listening to my iPod


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: ReRoll.au on 19/05/2010, 03:26 PM
who goes to a restaurant by their selfs.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Sillen on 19/05/2010, 04:13 PM
I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed
my gas with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, I
started to feel better. I finished my coffee,
and noticed that
everybody was staring at me....

Then I suddenly remembered that I
was listening to my iPod

Hehe, I did that once with a walkman on, waiting for the 700 bus on top of Box Hill Central.  I thought it was going to be an SBD.  Realised it wasn't when everyone was staring at me 8)


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: KezKa on 20/05/2010, 08:20 AM
Karnage u got good jokes where u get them from or do you just hear them?


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Virgil83 on 20/05/2010, 09:04 AM
Karnage u got good jokes where u get them from or do you just hear them?

Naaaah man, he makes them up... he's THAT GOOD!  :)


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: KARNAGE on 20/05/2010, 07:13 PM
A blonde is locked out of her car so she calls up a locksmith and says "hi, could you come down quickly, i left my keys in my car"
"i can't right now" locksmith
"its an emergency, you have to be here now" blonde
"i dont think i can rush down, what is it?" locksmith
"you have to, it looks like its going to rain and i drive a convertible" blonde


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: redivan on 20/05/2010, 07:22 PM
Why are jews considered so smart?

Because most of them got 350 degrees.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: KARNAGE on 20/05/2010, 07:27 PM
Why are synagogues round?
so when jews get the collection plate they cant hide in the corner


How do you know if a jew is living in a house?
you see toilet paper drying on the clothesline


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: inwalda on 21/05/2010, 08:20 PM
what do you call a mexican with a sheet of corrugated iron?

A homeowner

Why did New Zealanders invent Velcro?

Cause sheep's learnt the sound of the zipper

Whats the difference between an aboriginal and a park bench?

A park bench can support a family


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Jstar on 21/05/2010, 08:41 PM
Rofl at first one :P

Here are some great jokes.

Why did the chicken cross the mobius strip?

To get to the same side :D

A neutrons walks into the bar, asks the bar tender how much for a drink.
The bartender says "For you? NO CHARGE"

Two Protons collide, the first one says "I think i lost an electron"
The other says " Are you sure?"
He replies " Im positive"


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Ametros on 22/05/2010, 07:49 AM
Sorry, but you deserve to be stabbed for the physics jokes..


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: inwalda on 22/05/2010, 08:47 AM
He stole them from me the @#$^%!. Get your own terrible jokes thanks mate


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Jstar on 22/05/2010, 09:19 AM
No, I only stole 1 from you :P
The others were from Big Bang Theory <3


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: ReRoll.au on 22/05/2010, 09:40 AM
PROTONS DON'T COLLIDE L2PHYSICS!! only the valence electrons do.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Jstar on 22/05/2010, 09:54 AM
Its a joke >:[


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Project Alpha on 22/05/2010, 10:01 AM
rofl i was going to say big bang theory Jstar :P

What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing you have already told her twice.

How do you know your wife is dead?
The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

Why do women have small feet?
They can stand closer to the sink.

Why don't women need a drivers license?
There is no road between the kitchen and the laundry.

What did you do if your wife is standing in the lounge room nagging at you?
Made the chain to long.

I told the missus never look away when giving me a blowjob... but it goes in one ear and out the other.

Carl Williams Dad visited him in jail earlier this month and says jeez Carl your getting fat an exercise bike wouldn't kill you.

Alice Springs police arrested 4 aboriginal terrorists, bin bludgin, bin dealin, bin thievin and bin drinkin they still haven't found bin workin.

After the apology given by Kevin Rudd to the aboriginal people they have finally decided to end there 200 year workers strike.

Why did the woman cross the road?
Better question is why was she out of the kitchen.

what do you buy from an aboriginal garage sale?
your stuff back

why do seaguls have wings?
to beat abo's to the tip



Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Jstar on 22/05/2010, 10:07 AM
A man walks into a bar. There is a jar full of 5 dollar notes in it on the counter. The man asks the bartender why they are there.
He replies "If you pay $5 and make the horse laugh you get all the money"
So the man walks up to the horse and whispers something in his ear. The horse cracks up laughing.

The next day there is another jar, the man asks what it is for this time.
The bartender says " if you can make the horse cry you get the money."
The man walks upto the horse and shows him something. The horse breaks down into tears.
The bartender is shocked. "No one has ever made the horse cry or laugh, how did you do it?"
The man replies "The first time I told him my dick was bigger then his. The second time I showed him"


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: KARNAGE on 22/05/2010, 11:03 AM
i thought the physics jokes were quite funny


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Chalice on 22/05/2010, 11:53 AM
Theres 2 guys and a girl pissed as farts on top of the Empire State building.

The first guy turns to the second guy and says
"I bet your that using the thermal updrafts from between these buildings..I can jump off..fall 30 stories and then float gently back up and land on the roof"

the second guy says " Bullshit..your on"

So the first guy walks over to the ledge looks down and jumps

He falls 10 floors....20.......25....then at 30 floors exactly begins to float gently back up till he lands gently back on the roof

The second guy turns to the woman and the first guy and yells "Thats Awesome..I've got to try that"

He runs to the edge and leaps off...he falls 10 floors...20...30....40..50... SPLAT

Up on the roof the woman turns to the first guy and says "Fuck you can be a cunt when you're pissed Superman"



Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Neji on 22/05/2010, 12:00 PM
BAHAHA. Nice, Chalice.

Those abo jokes were fucking awesome too.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Chalice on 22/05/2010, 12:37 PM
I went to the doctors the other day and found out my new doctor was a drop dead gorgeous young female.

I was a little embarrassed but she said -

"Dont worry, i'm a professional and i've seen it all before.  Just tell me whats wrong and i will help you in any way I can"

I said " I think my cock tastes funny!!!"


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Chalice on 22/05/2010, 12:46 PM
A kiwi farmer and his son are out in the paddock...standing at a fence where there are 10 sheep in a line facing the other way with their heads stuck in the barbed wire fence.

The father turns to the son and says "Son..your 13 now and its time I taught you how to be man"

He pulls down his pants and reveals a whopping hard on..he walks over to the first sheep in the line and says "now pay attention son"

He thrusts into the first sheep twice and says "thanks sheep" pulls out and thrusts into the next sheep in line and says "thanks sheep" again..onto the next sheep..again "thanks sheep"

The son all excited cuz he understands, rips down his pants..runs up to the first sheep thrusts in and yells " thanks sheep"..onto the next as quick as he can "thanks sheep" and so on..."thanks sheep".......thanks sheep"......."thanks sheep"......."thanks sheep"......"thanks dad".........


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: SolidSmiddi on 22/05/2010, 02:46 PM
What stops a womans intestines from falling out from between the hole between her legs?

The vacuum in her head.

.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Ametros on 22/05/2010, 03:16 PM
I'd like to blatantly point out that I AM NOT A FARMER. The fact I am using the internet to notify you of this should be sufficient evidence..


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Virgil83 on 22/05/2010, 03:38 PM
I'd like to blatantly point out that I AM NOT A FARMER. The fact I am using the internet to notify you of this should be sufficient evidence..

Oh I dunno... your farmer blokes are getting pretty high tech these days with crop forecasts, weather reports, produce sales and the like being done online... I reckon you're trying to deceive us about your man-of-the-land ways, Kaotic :P


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Z00111111 on 22/05/2010, 08:41 PM
Tractors these days seem to have more computers in them than my house. You could easily be plowing fields or harvesting beef while typing that.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Ametros on 22/05/2010, 08:43 PM
Not in NZ. We barely have adequate cable internet in the major cities..


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: DonutKing on 22/05/2010, 09:02 PM
^ zoo is right, my old man is a diesel mechanic and a modern tractor has computers coming out the arse

It shits him because nearly every problem with a modern tractor is due to a computer failure :P


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Project Alpha on 23/05/2010, 08:17 AM
A fat abo and a skinny abo jump off a bridge to see who would hit the ground first. Who wins?
Society.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Flynix on 23/05/2010, 04:18 PM
Escaped prisoner

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Flynix on 23/05/2010, 04:22 PM
A Really Bad Day
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: KezKa on 23/05/2010, 08:30 PM
flynix thats not funny thats just gay it took me 1 minute of my life to read that and thats so bad and not funny but ily :P :PDT_Armataz_01_13:


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Flynix on 24/05/2010, 09:17 AM
just because your emo :P


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: bageled on 24/05/2010, 10:22 AM
>>
>> A Catholic priest, an Indian Doctor, a Rich Chinese business man and an
>> Aussie were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers
>> in  front of them.
>>
>> The Aussie fumed, "What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting
>> for 15 minutes"
>>
>> The Indian doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such
Poor  golf"
>>
>> The Chinese business man called out, "Move it, Time is money"
>>
>> The Catholic priest said "Here comes George the greens keeper. Lets have
>> a word with him.. " Hello, George what's wrong with that group ahead of us?
>> They're rather slow aren't they" George the greens keeper replied,
"Oh  yes   that's a group of blind firemen  They lost their sight in an explosion
>> while
>> saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play
>> for  free anytime".
>>
>> The group fell silent for a moment.
>>
>> The Catholic priest said, "That's so sad I think I'll say a special
>> prayer for them tonight".
>>
>> The Indian Doctor said "Good idea. I'm going to contact my
>> ophthalmologist colleagues and see if there's anything he can do for them."
>>
>> The Chinese Business man replied, "I think I'll donate �50,000 to the
>> Fire Brigade in honour of these brave souls"!.
>>
And
>> The Aussie said "Why can't they #*#*ing play at night?"
>>


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Jakes2142 on 26/05/2010, 07:15 PM
how do you know when things couldn't get any worse?

When ur reflection won't look at you


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Damit on 26/05/2010, 08:02 PM
Stop quoting =3 jakes :P


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Jakes2142 on 26/05/2010, 08:27 PM
:)


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Chalice on 28/05/2010, 10:53 AM
Since the missus went senile all she does is stare through the window...

Maybe one day, if its really fucking wet and rreeeaaallly fucking cold...I'll let her in.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: KARNAGE on 01/06/2010, 05:38 PM
"ya mum's so fat when she sits down she speeds up the rotation of the earth!"

"in principle yes, but the effect is so small as to be impossible to measure"

"true, even at her weight, no device could get an accurate reading"

"especially since ya mum's mass tends to wrap the curvature of space around here"


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: KARNAGE on 01/06/2010, 05:46 PM
"Hey, want to play String Theory Chess?"

"sure, how do you play?"

"fucked if I know"


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: bageled on 08/06/2010, 10:01 AM
GHOST SEX
 
A professor at the Auburn University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.
 
To get a feel for his audience, he asks,
'How many people here believe in ghosts?'
 
About 90 students raise their hands.

Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'
 
About 40 students raise their hands.
 
That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'
 
About 15 students raise their hand.

Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'
 
Three students raise their hands.

That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'
 
Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.
 
The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've been  giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'
 
The Middle Eastern muslim student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.
 
When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'
 
Ahmed replied, "Shit, from way back there I thought you said Goats."


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: KezKa on 08/06/2010, 10:08 AM
bageled thats so messed up :-\


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Project Alpha on 08/06/2010, 02:22 PM
rofl bangeled


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: redivan on 09/06/2010, 12:19 PM
Had a chat to the kids about dying.
I said if I am ever left in a vegetative state needing a machine and a bottle to live , I want them to unplug it.

They unplugged my computer and throw out my wine.
Little shits.



What has 26 legs and can't climb a ladder?

The Melbourne Storm



Whats green and smells like pork?
Kermit's finger


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Project Alpha on 09/06/2010, 12:54 PM
haha that first one is gold.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Jakes2142 on 14/06/2010, 01:25 PM
BOHICA - Bend Over, Here It Comes Again. Often heard prior to the delivery of a pineapple (q.v.), i.e. one is about to be 'shafted' with an unpleasant task.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: bageled on 21/06/2010, 10:48 AM
Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.


When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, 'What a beautiful baby..'
The mother said, 'Why, thank you, Johnnie.
Johnnie said, 'He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see alright?'

'Yes', the mother replied, 'we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.'

'That's great', said Little Johnnie,'coz he'd be fucked if he needed glasses'.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Jstar on 21/06/2010, 05:42 PM
Rofl bageled


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: KezKa on 22/06/2010, 11:18 AM
+1 bageled funnest thing lol


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: redivan on 23/06/2010, 03:19 PM
What's the hardest part of baking vegetables?

Getting the wheelchair into the oven.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: KARNAGE on 23/06/2010, 07:53 PM
An international teacher asks a question "What's your own opinion on food scarcity in other countries?"

An African student "what's food?"

A European student "what's scarcity?"

An American student "what's 'other countries'?"

A Chinese student "what's 'my own opinion'?"


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Chalice on 23/06/2010, 08:19 PM
What's the hardest part of baking vegetables?

Getting the wheelchair into the oven.

BBWWWHAHAHAHAHAA


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: KezKa on 25/06/2010, 11:50 AM
im sorry karnage i dont get it?


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Chalice on 25/06/2010, 12:02 PM
The chinese dont have their own opinion the joke insinuates that their government thinks for them and tells them what to think..which is true as far as Tibet goes


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Dex on 25/06/2010, 05:40 PM
The chinese dont have their own opinion the joke insinuates that their government thinks for them and tells them what to think..which is true as far as Tibet goes

Also, Europeans are rich, africans are poor and so dont have a lot of food, and americans only care about themselves (and are dumb) so they dont know about countries other than  their own


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: KezKa on 26/06/2010, 07:54 AM
ty for explaining :P


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: SolidSmiddi on 16/07/2010, 03:16 PM

My lifelong dream finally came true.
A long night of wild sex in bed with twins.
I was telling a mate about it and he asked how I recognized one twin from the other.
I explained that Vanessa had a little heart shaped birth mark down low on her left breast, and Geoff had a beard.

.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: SolidSmiddi on 16/07/2010, 03:21 PM
A few weeks ago I went out and I met this sexy cougar age about 55 a the pub.
She came on to me and whispered in my ear "ever done a sportsman's double?"
I knew what that meant - mother and daughter at once.
I drove her quickly to her place.
We went inside as she called out "Mum - are you there?"

.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Chalice on 16/07/2010, 03:36 PM
Oohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh wrong  *goes to wash out brain, cuz I had a visual*


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Sillen on 16/07/2010, 05:58 PM
Gold smiddi.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: KARNAGE on 16/07/2010, 06:27 PM
they're the kind of jokes M. night shayamalan would say, but they're still funny


One good thing out of the BP oil spill, pelicans wont have to go to a mechanic for an oil change


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: DonutKing on 02/08/2010, 10:05 AM
One afternoon a Scotsman was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the Scotsman said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the Scotsman replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the Scotsman answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the Scotsman and said, "Sir, you are too kind.. Thank you for taking all of us with you.

The Scotsman replied, "Glad to do it.

"You'll really love my place.






"The grass is almost a foot high."


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Chalice on 02/08/2010, 10:12 AM
LOL


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Paradox on 02/08/2010, 01:18 PM
That was good


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: DonutKing on 03/08/2010, 03:52 PM
 An Irish woman was admitted to Hospital today after having phone sex.

Doctors managed to remove 2 Nokia's, 3 Motorola's and 1 Samsung,








No Siemen was found.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: SolidSmiddi on 03/08/2010, 08:21 PM
A little boy comes into the kitchen one day and says to his mum "Granny's got a prawn!"
The mother says "What on earth do you mean?"
The boy takes his mother and shows her Granny, stark naked asleep on the sofa.
He points to grandma's protruding clitoris and says, "Granny's got a prawn!"
His mother whispers "That's your grandmother's clitoris son!"
To which the little boy replies...."Well it tastes like a prawn!"

.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Jstar on 03/08/2010, 08:24 PM
Smiddi, that was really really bad. Like not even immature funny. :\


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Dex on 03/08/2010, 10:41 PM
i loved it !!!1


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Splints on 03/08/2010, 11:33 PM
I got some pretty bad ones.

Why were the jews angry at the germans after WW2?

The germans sent them a gas bill.

Why are womens pussys and arseholes so close together?

So when they get pissed at the pub you can carry them home like a 6 pack.

Two homos are living together when their house catches fire, which one gets out first.

The one with his shit packed.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Chalice on 04/08/2010, 12:44 AM

Two homos are living together when their house catches fire, which one gets out first.

The one with his shit packed.

ROFL +1


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: KARNAGE on 04/08/2010, 04:19 PM
Smiddi, I nearly gagged. funny though

I dont know if I mentioned these one before but

Why do women have trouble peeing in the morning?
have you ever opened a toasted cheese sandwich (visualise it)

How do you make your wife scream AFTER sex?
wipe your dick on the curtains.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Splints on 13/08/2010, 12:55 PM
One day a construction worker left the job a little early, and when he got home he found his wife in bed with another man. Purple with rage, he hauled the man down the stairs and into the garage where he proceeded to secure his dick in a vice. Utterly terrified, the man screamed, "Stop, stop! you're not going to cut it off, are you? ARE YOU?"
"Nope," replied the construction worker, "You are...I'm going to set the garage on fire."


A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. "Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms. While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?""No!" she shrieked, aghast.So, he dropped her. As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you screw?" he asked."Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself. He dropped her, too. The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic."Slut!" he said, and dropped her.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Chalice on 13/08/2010, 12:57 PM
ROFL..that last joke is one of my all time fave's +1


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Splints on 14/08/2010, 10:15 AM
A girl is working at a chemist when a bloke walks in. The guy wonders around for a while looking confused so she goes up to him and ask's how she can help. "Im looking for tampons" says the guy. So she shows him where the female products are and goes back to the counter. A few minutes later he comes up to the counter and puts down some cotton buds and a roll of string. I thought you were after tampons says the girl. The bloke replys well I was going to, then I rememberd the other day when I asked my wife to get me a pack of ciggarettes at the shops, she brings back some rolling tobacco and papers, they were cheaper she says. So I figure if I have to roll my own, so does she.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Raistlin on 14/08/2010, 12:14 PM
Lol splinter (moral of story-- payback's a bitch)


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Raistlin on 14/08/2010, 01:45 PM
If FaceBook and My Space combined people would be saying "come on My Face"


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Raistlin on 15/08/2010, 11:58 AM
A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.
The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."
The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."
The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.
The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.
After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "
The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"





Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Neji on 15/08/2010, 12:07 PM
LOL. That's disgusting.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Raistlin on 15/08/2010, 12:22 PM
Two cowboys were sitting in a bar when one asked his friend if he had heard of the new sex position called rodeo. His friend says no, what is it?
Well you mount your wife from the back, reach around and cup her breasts with both hands.
Then say, "Boy, those are almost as nice as your sisters".
Then see if you can hold on for 8 seconds.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: cryptochild4 on 15/08/2010, 12:36 PM
ever done it raistlin?? if they don't have a sister you can use mum or best friends name for effect


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Raistlin on 15/08/2010, 12:37 PM
My record is 4 seconds


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Virgil83 on 16/08/2010, 08:04 AM
My record is 4 seconds

I hear that the Advanced Medical Institute has this nasal spray product that helps you last longer... maybe you should look into that :P


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: DonutKing on 16/08/2010, 08:29 AM
It doesn't really work that well

uh, so I heard


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Raistlin on 16/08/2010, 10:29 AM
Virgil you missed the point, it's on the rodeo where my record stands not on the time it takes me to finish. You should try it.... Take your partner from behind, grab her breasts and tell her her sisters (or mums which ever you prever) are nicer and time how long you can stay on for.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Chalice on 16/08/2010, 11:03 AM
mines 9 min 30sec ...the time does count if they're unconcious right?


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Raistlin on 16/08/2010, 11:11 AM
Yeah right, as if anyone would believe you can last 9 minutes chal


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Chalice on 16/08/2010, 11:14 AM
Yeah right, as if anyone would believe you can last 9 minutes chal

Nah..thats just when she she woke up...I went longer but it was difficult as she started to struggle and bite.  

Its amazing how hard Dex's mum can buck & bite :D


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Virgil83 on 16/08/2010, 01:29 PM
Well she does tend to lose her inhibitions after a few tumblers of scotch... Chal...


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Chalice on 16/08/2010, 01:39 PM
Well she does tend to lose her inhibitions after a few tumblers of scotch... Chal...

Or a quick smack across the mouth...she likes it rough




p.s. Soz Dex & mumma Dex...love you


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Damit on 19/08/2010, 06:34 PM
If you need cheering up, watch your wedding video in reverse. It starts out with you getting laid, then you have a great night and sober up without a hangover. The end is the best bit, you take off your wedding ring, go back down the isle, jump in your car and fk off with your mates to get hammered again.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: DonutKing on 24/08/2010, 03:31 PM

The Female Demerit System

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.
You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) in the rain (+8) but return with beer (-5)
You check out a suspicious noise at night (+1)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)
You pummel it with iron rod (+10)
It's her pet (-20)

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
You stay by her side the entire party (0)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old school friend (-2)
Named Tina (-10)
Tina is a dancer (-20)
Tina has silicone implants (-80)

HER BIRTHDAY
You take her out to dinner (+2)
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+3)
Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)
And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colours of your favourite team (-10)

A NIGHT OUT
You take her to a movie (+1)
You take her to a movie she likes (+3)
You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
You take her to a movie you like (-2)
It's called 'Death Cop' (-3)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8000)

THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) (yes, you lose points no matter what)
You hesitate in responding (-10)
You reply, "Where?" (-35)
Any other response (-20)

COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)
You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-4000)


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Splints on 24/08/2010, 03:39 PM
^ ROFL


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Cam on 25/08/2010, 08:54 AM
How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry her!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Television
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman

What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long.

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.

I married my 'Miss Right'.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90% ...
it's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Virgil83 on 25/08/2010, 10:41 AM
My girlfriend and I were making love when she looked up at me and said, "Make love to me like in the movies." So I turned her over on all fours, stuck it in her ass, pulled out, flipped her back over and came all over her face and hair...

I never saw her again after that night...

I guess we don't watch the same movies.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Virgil83 on 25/08/2010, 10:42 AM
I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual checkup.. She told me that I had to quit masturbating. I asked why and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Chalice on 25/08/2010, 11:08 AM
I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual checkup.. She told me that I had to quit masturbating. I asked why and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

ROFL ROFL ROFL ..I have the EXACT same problem


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Project Alpha on 25/08/2010, 05:48 PM
holy shit virgil that is fucking hilarious.

How do you know your wife is dead?
The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

Why do women not need a license?
There is no road between the kitchen and the laundry.

What did the 16 year old aboriginal girl say when she lost her virginity?
Dad get off me your crushing my smokes.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: DonutKing on 27/08/2010, 08:37 PM
I recently started my own business, manufacturing landmines that look like prayer mats.

Despite being in such a small, niche market, the business has done pretty well. Prophets are going through the roof.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Sillen on 27/08/2010, 08:39 PM
I recently started my own business, manufacturing landmines that look like prayer mats.

Despite being in such a small, niche market, the business has done pretty well. Prophets are going through the roof.

+1 +2 +3 this weekend


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: KARNAGE on 29/08/2010, 04:18 PM
"prophets going through the roof" fuckin ROFL, well, well deserved +1


Title: health insurance
Post by: -NeOpHyTe- on 30/08/2010, 09:17 PM
Testicle disorder

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital.

During her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.

"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained,

"I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen,
and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."

"Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman...

As they passed by the next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.

Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD!  How can THAT be justified?"

Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, better health plan. " ;D
dam hospital was never like this for me ;)


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Noraa78 on 02/09/2010, 02:32 PM
Went to disco last night they played "The Twist" so i twisted.
They played "Jump" so i jumped.
Then they played "Come on Eileen" and i was kicked out.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: KARNAGE on 02/09/2010, 03:41 PM
Went to disco last night they played "The Twist" so i twisted.
They played "Jump" so i jumped.
Then they played "Come on Eileen" and i was kicked out.
been posted before (not on this thread but in the funnies forum) still good though


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: SolidSmiddi on 03/09/2010, 08:41 PM
A man is out hunting with his mate.
His mate looks down the scope of the gun and the mate says "I can see your wife in the bush and she looks like she is cheating on you with some guy".
The man says "Stuff the bitch; shoot her in the head and shoot him in the groin".

The mate replies with "No problems, I can do that in a single shot".



Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Syklone on 07/09/2010, 01:38 PM
HOW TO SELL TOOTHBRUSHES

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited.
Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next:

"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher..

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.

The teacher held her breath ...

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."

They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog shit!"

Then I would say, "It is dog shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

"I used the governmental approach of giving you something shitty for free, and then making you pay to get the shitty taste out of your mouth."

 

 



Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Noraa78 on 09/09/2010, 11:19 AM
I was in Hungry Jacks today when 2 Muslim woman walked in with these brightly coloured head to toe outfits. I thought to myself....WOW the burkas are better at hungry jacks


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: DonutKing on 11/09/2010, 01:49 PM
(this is a New Zulland joke, read it aloud for bist effict)

Helen Clarke, Prime Minister of New Zulland, is awoken at 4am by the telephone.

Hillen, its the hilth Munister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergincy!! I've jist received word thet the Durex factory en Aucklind hes burned to the ground. It is istimated that the entire New Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week.


PM: Shut !! The economy wull niver be able to cope with all those unwanted babies. W' ill be ruined.

Hilth Munister: We're going to hef to shup some in from Brutain?

PM: No chence. The Poms will have a field day on thus one.

Hilth Munister: What about Australia?

PM: I'll call Kivin Rudd. Tell hum we need one million condoms, ten enches long and eight enches thuck.

That way they'll continue to respect the "all blacks".

Three days later a delighted Hillen rushes out to open the boxes that arrived at the Pist Office.

She finds one million condoms. 10 enches long, 8 enches thuck, all coloured green and gold with small writing on each one.

MADE IN AUSTRALIA - SIZE: MEDIUM


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: SolidSmiddi on 13/09/2010, 07:04 AM
A: > Try playing Quake 4 on an Intel Video card. Let us know how you get on.
B: > It looks as good as on an ATI/Nvidia card so far...
B: > Hang on.. frame 2 is coming up.. yup still looks good.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: KARNAGE on 15/09/2010, 04:14 PM
LOVED donuts one (already +1ed you today)


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Moose on 15/09/2010, 06:04 PM
A wife is really getting the shits with her husband who always rips a massive fart when he wakes up. She always tells him he keeps doing it he'll fart his guts out. Nothing changes. Couple weeks later she's making a roast chicken and she's just pulley out all the chicken guts. She has a thought and puts the guts in her sleeping husbands undies.

She hears him wake up about 30 min  and a characteristic fart, then a high pitched scream. He comes down to the table 10 min after in blood stained undies and says "you were right..i did fart my guts out.................but using a couple fingers worth of vaseline i shoved em back in!"


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Project Alpha on 23/09/2010, 06:00 AM
DID YOU KNOW?
The words race car spelled backwards is race car.
That eat is the only word that if you take its first letter and move to the end it spells the past tense ate.
And have you noticed if you rearrange the letters in "illegal immigrants." and add a few more letters, it spells out:

"Fuck off and go home you free loading, benefit grabbing, kid producing, violent, non-English speaking cocksuckers and take those hairy faced, sandal wearing, bomb making, goat fucking, smelly rag head bastards with you."
How weird is that?



The aboriginal women says to the daughter on her wedding night, "You know dear he is going to want to put his most prized possession in, well you know where you wee." the daughter replies "really, he is going to put his thongs in the sink"


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: KARNAGE on 23/09/2010, 01:53 PM
DID YOU KNOW?
"ginger" is an anagram for "nigger"


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Filth123 on 26/09/2010, 01:57 PM
Heres a couple fail jokes i know:

There's an Aboriginal and Lebanese person in a car, who's driving?
The Cop

What do you say when you find your T.V floating at night?
"Drop it, Nigger"

An Aboriginal and Lebanese person both jump off a cliff, who wins?
Society




Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: cryptochild4 on 26/09/2010, 03:50 PM
4 abos drive off a cliff in a ford. what's the issue?

it seats 5.

what's the difference between a Jin (abo lady) and a Murray (abo man)?

the Jin has a higher sperm count.

why did the jin cross the road?

to start a fight with a complete stranger for no apparant reason

whats the first question asked on abo trvia night?

what you lookin at ya cunt

whats the most confusing day of the year in an abo community?

fathers day


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Azza on 26/09/2010, 06:05 PM
some old abo jokes (not to offend)

what do you call an abo going down a slide "sewage"
what do you call abos swiming in a lake "coco pops"
why are abos scared of chain saws "run nigga nigga run nigga nigga"
what do you call a abo priest "holy shit"





Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: DonutKing on 26/09/2010, 06:24 PM
Gunna shift gears a bit here


How many white men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One, white men will screw anything.


How many white girls does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None, white girls can’t screw.

What's white and fourteen inches long?
Absolutely nothing!

What do you call 200 white men chasing a black man?
The PGA tour.

What do you call a bunch of white guys sitting on a bench?
The NBA

What do you call a white woman with a yeast infection?
Crackers with cheese.

What does a white woman and a tampon have in common?
Both are stuck up cunts.

Why shouldnt white people go swimming?
Because crackers get soggy when wet.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Azza on 26/09/2010, 06:26 PM
hahaha lol nice donutking


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Moose on 26/09/2010, 09:52 PM
crackers with cheese....i almost threw up


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Filth123 on 29/09/2010, 03:20 PM
Theres 3 people, an American, Mexican and Korean, they stumble accross a magical geany and it grants them 3 wishes, 1 wish each, the Mexican says: I wish for all Mexicans to be in mexico and to be happy
The Korean says: I wish for all Koreans to be in Korea and to be happy
Then the American says: Wait, so you mean to tell me that all the Mexicans and Koreans are out of the country? The geany replies "Yes"
The American then says "Cool, guess i will just have a coke"


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: cryptochild4 on 29/09/2010, 06:32 PM
you took that from the boondock saints


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Moose on 29/09/2010, 06:40 PM
love his spelling of genie....


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Filth123 on 29/09/2010, 09:17 PM
Yea my spelling is a joke... get it :P

and wtf is the boondock saints :S


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Syklone on 30/09/2010, 07:23 PM
tis a rocxking movie


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: DonutKing on 08/10/2010, 09:32 AM
Five Germans in an Audi Quattro, arrive at the Italian border.

The Italian Customs Officer stops them and tells them "It's-a illegal-a to put-a 5 people in a Quattro."

"Vot do you mean it's illegal?" asks the German driver.

"Quattro means-a four" replies the Italian official.

"Quattro iz just ze name of ze bloody auto" the Germans retort unbelievingly, "Look at ze dam papers: ze car iz designed to karry 5 persons."

"You cant-a pull-a that-a one on me!" replies the Italian customs officer, "Quattro means-a four. You have five-a people in-a your car and you are therefore-a breaking the law."

The German driver replies angrily, "Call your zupervisor over. I vant to speak to someone viz more intelligence!"

"Ah Sorry" responds the Italian officer, "He can't-a come. He's a busy with-a 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Splints on 08/10/2010, 10:20 AM
wtf is the boondock saints :S

tis the most awesome movie ever.
Buy it or Download it, doesnt matter, if you like great action movies you'll love it..
Saw a DVD copy at JB HiFi the other day for 10 bucks.
Recently made a sequel but its not as good as the first one.

Trailer
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ydXojYfCF3I

Trailer 2
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q8Mt5yDqngM



Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: DonutKing on 10/10/2010, 09:18 PM
An  Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return,  her Father cussed her.

'Where  have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye  put yer old Mother thru?'

The girl, crying, replied,  'Sniff, sniff....Dad....I became a prostitute...'

'Ye  what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'

'OK, Dad-- as ye  wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to  the country club......................... (takes a  breath)............. and an invitation for ye all to spend New  Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera  and... ...'

'Now what was it ye said ye had become?'  says Dad.

Girl, crying again, 'Sniff, sniff.....a  prostitute Daddy! Sniff, sniff.'

'Glory! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said Protestant. Come here  and give yer old Dad a hug.'


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: DonutKing on 24/11/2010, 07:17 AM
After literally minutes of painstaking planning and experimentation I have devised the best way to clean a toilet bowl. No more ineffectual scrubbing with that silly brush.

    * Put both lids of the toilet up. Then add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
    * Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
    * In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.
    * The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
    * Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a power-wash and rinse.
    * Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
    * Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.
    * The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
    * The commode will now be sparkling clean.


As an added bonus your cat will be relatively clean as well.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: KARNAGE on 25/11/2010, 07:58 AM
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer, and an old drunk were walking along when they simultaneously spotted a hundred-dollar bill laying in the street. Who gets it?
The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.


Why do doctors like to operate on lawyers?

no brain, no heart, no guts, no spine and the asshole can't be damaged


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: DonutKing on 16/12/2010, 12:20 PM
What do you get if you cross a maori with a Jehovah's witness?

Someone that knocks on your door and tells you to fuck off.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Chalice on 16/12/2010, 06:04 PM
Blonde girl in a car crash says "I think I have concussion"

Paramedic says "How many fingers have I got up?"

Blonde says "OH GOD, my pussy's paralysed too!!!"


--------------------------------------------------------------


I'm fucking exhausted!!!

Just spent 5 hours painting all the rocks in my front  yard white, just in case my Arab neighbour wants a snowball fight over the christmas holidays!!



Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: -NeOpHyTe- on 17/12/2010, 11:27 AM
Quote


I'm fucking exhausted!!!

Just spent 5 hours painting all the rocks in my front  yard white, just in case my Arab neighbour wants a snowball fight over the christmas holidays!!


lol

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million."

Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men!!


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Sgt Lemur on 18/12/2010, 09:35 AM
girls love guys that can make them laugh, this joke will get you laid for sure

what's 8 inches long and can make a girl scream?








































a stillborn


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Chalice on 18/12/2010, 06:03 PM
Ohhhh wrong  .. +1 tho :)


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: darkwolf on 28/12/2010, 02:46 PM
John goes to a bar and starts randomly spouting pickup lines:
Hey, you wanna do a 68? You go down on me, and I'll owe you one.
If I flip a coin, what are my chances of getting head?
Do you work at Subway? Because you just gave me a footlong.
Hi, do you want to have my children? [No] OK, can we just practice then?
Do you live on a chicken farm? [No] You sure know how to raise cocks.
That's a nice shirt. Can I talk you out of it?
My dick just died. Would you mind if I buried it in your ass?
That shirt's very becoming on you. If I were on you, I'd be coming too.
Do you know the difference between my penis and a chicken wing? No? Well, let's go on a picnic and find out!
Forget that! Playing doctor is for kids! Let's play gynecologist.
Your face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.
Excuse me, but would you like an orally stimulated orgasm?
Fuck me if I am wrong, but haven't we met before?
Have you ever kissed a rabbit between the ears? [Pull your pockets inside out] Would you like to?
I lost my virginity. Can I have yours?
Hey babe, how about a pizza and a fuck? [No] What's wrong, don't you like pizza?
Do you work for UPS? I could have sworn I saw you checking out my package.
Someone vacuum my lap, I think this girl needs a clean place to sit.
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put 'U' between 'F' and 'CK'
Fuck me if I'm wrong, but isn't your name Laura?
Hey Baby! I'd like to use your thighs as earmuffs.
You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
Your breasts remind me of Mount Rushmore....my face should be among them.
Hey baby, I think you just made my two by four into a four by eight.
Is that a keg in your pants? Because I'd love to tap that ass.
Hey cutie, wanna go halves on a baby?
I'll give you a nickel if you tickle my pickle.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: KARNAGE on 28/12/2010, 02:54 PM
Roses are red
Lemons are sour
open your legs
and give me an hour
(one of my favourites)


A farmer from way out country australia is feeling rather sick so he drives up to his closest doctor (a minimum 3 hour drive) and when he finally gets there he tells the doctor how he's feeling

the doctor gets out a hemaroid (pill that works through the anus) and he says "for 2 weeks put this up your back passage 3 times a week"

the farmer comes back angrily at the end of the 2 weeks and says "I put them on my back porch every time and it did nothing, for all the good it did me I might as well have stuck it up my ass!"


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: reggie on 28/12/2010, 04:04 PM
Roses are red
Lemons are sour
open your legs
and give me an hour
(one of my favourites)


A farmer from way out country australia is feeling rather sick so he drives up to his closest doctor (a minimum 3 hour drive) and when he finally gets there he tells the doctor how he's feeling

the doctor gets out a hemaroid (pill that works through the anus) and he says "for 2 weeks put this up your back passage 3 times a week"

the farmer comes back angrily at the end of the 2 weeks and says "I put them on my back porch every time and it did nothing, for all the good it did me I might as well have stuck it up my ass!"

LOL also the joke was alright i guess


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: cryptochild4 on 28/12/2010, 05:51 PM
Roses are red
Lemons are sour
open your legs
and give me an hour
(one of my favourites)


A farmer from way out country australia is feeling rather sick so he drives up to his closest doctor (a minimum 3 hour drive) and when he finally gets there he tells the doctor how he's feeling

the doctor gets out a hemaroid (pill that works through the anus) and he says "for 2 weeks put this up your back passage 3 times a week"

the farmer comes back angrily at the end of the 2 weeks and says "I put them on my back porch every time and it did nothing, for all the good it did me I might as well have stuck it up my ass!"

by hemaroid i think you mean suppository, as a hermaroid is swolen veins around your ass hole that make wiping and sitting very painful and difficult


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: KARNAGE on 28/12/2010, 09:00 PM
yeah, I wasn't quite sure what it was and I remember a hemaroid being something to do with medicine and the ass so i picked that.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: KARNAGE on 02/01/2011, 08:28 PM
A guy went into a brothel and wanted a 69

he went up to a woman that worked there and said "I want a 69, but ya know, I've never had one" the woman said "Don't worry, I'll do it all" so she took him up to a room and they started doing it.

during it the woman farts, really badly, the guy says "phoah, what the fuck?!"
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, it wont happen again"
"alright"

so they get back to doing it.
part way through she farts again
"you dirty bitch!"
"I'm sorry, I promise it wont happen again, just lay back and relax"

so they go on again

now she lays a really sloppy one on him
he says "that's it, I'm gone"
"wait, it's alright"
"no, if you think I'm going through another 66 of those you can forget it"


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: DonutKing on 02/01/2011, 08:37 PM
karnage, make like your motherboard and stop posting





just kidding you're alright :) that joke however...


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: KARNAGE on 02/01/2011, 08:48 PM
fine then, it's time for bad uncle jokes (the jokes funnier verbally)

What do you call a guy with a spade on his head?
Doug.

What do you call a guy without a spade on his head?
Douglas

What do you call a guy in the bushes?
Russel

What do you call a guy underground?
Warren.


I learnt those all on christmas :P

oh, and

How can you tell if it's really cold outside?

a lawyer has his hands in his own pockets.

also, a scientist went to a human parts shop and tried to obtain a brain for research. he asks how much they are

"How much does it cost for engineer brain?"

"Three dollars an ounce."

"How much does it cost for programmer brain?"

"Four dollars an ounce."

"How much for lawyer brain?"

"$1,000 an ounce."

"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"

"Do you know how many lawyers we had to kill to get one ounce of brain?"



Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Alucard on 03/01/2011, 06:27 PM
karnage, make like your motherboard and stop posting

lol +1


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: SolidSmiddi on 03/01/2011, 08:51 PM
What do you call a guy with 100 rabbits up his arse?
Warren.

What do you call a guy lying flat at your doorstep?
Matt.

What do you call a guy in a pile of leaves?
Russell.

What do you call a guy with arms and legs tied in the ocean?
Bob.

What do you call a girl with one leg shorter that the other?
Ilene.

**************************************

What did Tarzan say when he saw a huge heard or elephants coming over the hill?
"The elephants are coming over the hill"


What did Tarzan say when he saw a huge heard or elephants coming over the hill and they all had sunglasses on?
He didnt say anything, he didn't recognize them.

.





Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: bageled on 04/01/2011, 07:57 AM
smiddi they sound like christmas cracker jokes to me


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: bageled on 06/01/2011, 01:47 PM
I walked past an abo sitting on the ground this arvo, & he said, "Any change
mate"?
 
I said no, you're still black.
_____________________________ _____________________________ _ _


I've just been banned from a Muslim clothes shop.

I only asked for a bomber jacket.

Touchy bastards.
_____________________________ _____________________________ _ ___
 

I'm going to KFC for the Julia Gillard Meal deal tonight

2 small breasts, 2 large thighs, & a big red box.
_____________________________ _____________________________ _ ____
 

I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army Soup Kitchen.
 
All I said was, "will you bastards hurry up, some of us have a home to go
to".
_____________________________ _____________________________ _ _________________


I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night. He hypnotized 7 blokes then
dropped the mike on his foot & said "Fuck me".
 
What happened next will haunt me forever.



Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Sillen on 11/01/2011, 08:06 AM
Stolen from OCAU

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Brit's, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British".

One week later, the state’s Dept of Minerals and Energy in Western Australia , reported the following:

"After digging as deep as 30 feet in Western Australia's Pilbara region, Jack Lucknow, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely fuck all. Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Australia had already gone wireless."

Just makes you bloody proud to be Australian.


Greenie Revenge

The chief woman “Greenie Tree-Hugging Activist”, who was responsible for getting horses banned from National parks and State forests, was climbing a tree to have a look out over the forest when a Tawny Frogmouth Owl attacked her for invading its nesting site.

In a panic to escape, she slid down the tree, getting a great number of splinters lodged in her crotch area. In considerable pain she hurried to the nearest doctor, told him she was an environmentalist and how she got all the splinters.

The doctor listened with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She waited for3 hours before the doctor reappeared. Angry, the woman demanded, “What took you so long?”

“Well...” replied the doctor, “I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency; the Forestry Service; the National Parks and Wildlife Service; the Wilderness Society and the Department of Conservation and Land Management before I could remove “old growth timber” from a “recreational area” . . . I’m sorry but they all turned me down.”


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: BoHiCa on 11/01/2011, 02:39 PM
Blame it on the rain.......

I know i feel guilty by posting but you gotta love australian humor

Chal Kylie doesnt own a set of these does she :)

(http://img98.imageshack.us/img98/9625/badtastes.jpg)


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Chalice on 11/01/2011, 02:47 PM
LOL not yet she doesn't...you're dead right, how Aussie is that!!!


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: KARNAGE on 11/01/2011, 06:06 PM
the funny thing is they're real too, I've seen them for sale on ebay (australia) and tradingpost. I hear the shops that sell them are only in Queensland though, I guess they need them :P


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: DonutKing on 21/01/2011, 10:12 AM
Whats a Jew's worst dilemma?
Free Ham.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me

My wife being unhappy with my mood swings brought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood. We discovered that when I am in a good mood it turns green and when I am in a bad mood it leaves a big fucking red mark on her forehead.


Lady in labour, shouting the usual shit, "Get this out of me! Give me the drugs!" She turns to her boyfriend and says, "You did this to me, you fucker!" He casually replies, "If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse, but you said, 'fuck off it'll be too painful.'"


The local police had an article in the paper about how they were looking for a rapist. I called them up but apparently its not a job.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Ametros on 22/01/2011, 05:10 PM
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me

Nice.  :D :D


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: SolidSmiddi on 24/01/2011, 07:11 AM
(1) I'm living next door to a Lebanese couple at the moment. They have three little kids and they've challenged me to a water fight in the back yard, so I'm just writing to you while I'm waiting for the kettle to boil....

(2) Can you spare just $2? Ranji is a 9yr old boy living in Namibia . He has only 1 leg, 1 arm and 1 eye. Each day he has to ride 7 miles to school along a narrow road on a rusty bike with bent wheels, no brakes and only 1 pedal. If you send us just $2, we will send you the video - its fucking hilarious.
 
(3) I've caught a stray parrot in my garden. All he says is, "good morning you ugly prick?" It's not yours is it?
 
(4) I'm sick to death of people knocking on my door looking for donations. Just had one from the sperm bank. Boy, did I give her a mouthful.
 
(5) Been to the optometrist today - he told me I was color blind. I'm fuckin' worried now that some of my buddies could be black. If you are, can you delete my e-mail address?
 
(7) There's a new anti-depressant for lesbians on the market: Trycoxagain.
 
(8) I failed my biology exam today. I was asked to name 2 things commonly found in cells. Apparently, Mexicans and black rapists is not the correct answer.

.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: BoHiCa on 01/02/2011, 01:10 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z-4o16Vq06g

Part 2

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NqiMOmpNbNU


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Chalice on 14/02/2011, 01:19 PM
Courtesy of Raistlin

PROUD TO BE AN AUSSIE

"Hello, Police?"

"Yes. How can we help you?"

"I'm calling about my neighbour, Wazza.  He's hiding cocaine inside his firewood!"

"Thank you very much for your call"

The next day, police officers descend on Wazza's house in great numbers.  They search the house and then go out to the shed where the firewood is kept.  Using axes, they bust open every piece of of firewood but they find no cocaine.  They swear at Wazza, then leave.

The phone rings at Wazza's house.
"Hey Wazza, did the cops come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop up all your firewood for you?"

"Yep."

"Happy Birthday, mate".


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Chalice on 14/02/2011, 01:20 PM
After both suffering depression for awhile me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday.  But strangely enough, once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better, so I thought fuck it, soldier on...!


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Ice on 15/02/2011, 12:36 PM
After both suffering depression for awhile me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday.  But strangely enough, once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better, so I thought fuck it, soldier on...!

hahaha!


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: KARNAGE on 20/02/2011, 10:07 AM
The Queensland premier is female
The NSW premier is female
The Tasmanian premier is female
The prime minister is female
The Governor-General is female

with a country ruled by women it's no surprise we flood monthly and go off like a cyclone for no reason.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Sillen on 20/02/2011, 03:35 PM
The Queensland premier is female
The NSW premier is female
The Tasmanian premier is female
The prime minister is female
The Governor-General is female

with a country ruled by women it's no surprise we flood monthly and go off like a cyclone for no reason.

Bohica had that in the shoutbox the other week.

Quote
An amateur researcher in Southern Queensland, discovered that Prime
Minister Kevin Rudd great-great uncle, Remus Rudd, was hanged for
horse stealing and train robbery in Melbourne in 1889. He found a
photograph=C2=A0of Remus standing on the gallows at the Melbourne Jail: On
the back of the picture is the inscription: 'Remus Rudd horse thief,
sent to Melbourne Jail 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the
Melbourne-Geelong train six times. Caught by Victoria Police,
convicted and hanged in 1889.'



The researcher emailed Prime Minister Rudd for any information about
his great-great uncle.



Kevin Rudd's office sent back the following biographical information
"Remus Rudd was famous in Victoria during the mid to late 1800s . His
business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian
assets and he had dealings with the Melbourne-Geelong Railroad.
Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to government
service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the
railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation by the
Victoria Police. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic
function held in his honour when the platform upon which he was
standing collapsed."


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: KARNAGE on 26/02/2011, 12:56 PM
An Aussie and American

An aussie and an American are in a bar. while the aussie is talking to the bartender the american comes from behind and hits him
"what the hell? you want to start something?" said the aussie
"nah, that was a karate chop from China" (American)
"alright then"

The Aussie went back to talking and 5 minutes later the American hit him again
Aussie "what, do you want to fight?"
American "no, that was a karate chop from Japan"
Aussie "fair enough"

the aussie then says "I'm going out for a smoke" so the American starts talking to the bartender

after 10 minutes the aussie comes back and the American is talking to the bartender and the aussie whacks him over the head and knocked the American out

the aussie said "tell him that was a crowbar from Bunnings"


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: DonutKing on 11/03/2011, 08:12 AM
A woman goes to a bar covered in bruises.

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth but don't swallow. Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes to bed in his drunken stupor."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished and he didn't touch me!"

Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: evilmikk on 18/03/2011, 05:05 PM
Question. How Much Cocaine does Charlie Sheen Use.     Answer. Enough To Kill Two And A Half Men :D                                                         


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: DonutKing on 23/03/2011, 01:39 PM
I met a girl in the park the other evening. There was an instant spark between us and she immediately dropped to her knees and laid on the grass at my feet. As we lay making love, I thought “These taser guns are well worth the money.”


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: KARNAGE on 24/03/2011, 07:03 PM
My girlfriend thinks I'm a pedophile, but what would she know? she's only 6


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Noraa78 on 24/03/2011, 10:07 PM
A bloke was sitting at home on the verandah with his wife and he says, "I love   
 you."                                                                     
                                                                           
                                                                           
 She asks, "Is that you or the beer talking?"                               
                                                                           
                                                                           
 He replies, "It's me............. talking to the beer."                   


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Mummbles on 24/03/2011, 10:21 PM
whats wrong with 27 year olds?







there's only 20 of them!


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: -NeOpHyTe- on 26/03/2011, 12:06 PM
the quicksilver pro had a contraversal winner on the weekend - it was taken out by a japanese couple on a wardrobe  ???


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Mummbles on 28/03/2011, 08:09 PM
one night as a couple layed down for bed, the husband rearing to go, gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.
the wife turns over and says "im sorry hunny ive got a geanacologist tommorow and i want to stay fresh as a daisy". well the husband rolls over felling rejected but still feeling quite horny and..... tries to go to sleep. well a few minutes later he rolls back over and taps his wife again, this time he whispers in her ear "dear.... do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"    :PDT_Armataz_01_24:


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Wombat756 on 26/04/2011, 10:23 AM
i swapped my wifes tampons for some party poppers the other day. Absolutely no sense of humour that girl...


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: BiigMacK on 26/04/2011, 10:24 AM
I take it she went off : )


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Chalice on 26/04/2011, 11:36 AM
Rofl..thats awesome *grabs wives tampons* +1


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Ametros on 26/04/2011, 05:07 PM
Rofl..thats awesome *grabs wives tampons* +1

*Waits for Kylie to see and post*


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Wombat756 on 02/05/2011, 11:31 AM
A man rings 000, "I think my wife is dead"
"how do you know" responds the operator
"well, the sex is the same but the ironing is piling up..."


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: KARNAGE on 05/05/2011, 05:23 PM
Osama Bin Laden had around 10 body doubles after 9/11

5 of them were his wives.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: -NeOpHyTe- on 05/05/2011, 06:14 PM
Since capturing Bin Laden, Feds in Alice Springs have also arrested 4 aboriginal terrorist suspects: Bin Bludgin, Bin Thievin, Bin Boozin, & Bin Dealin, there appears to be no sign Bin Workin. These leads were aided by cousin Bin Lagin. ;D ;D


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Number One on 05/05/2011, 07:21 PM
bin laden arrives in hell he is taken straight to the Satans side to be met by Hitler and Stalin, bin laden asks "so what did you have to do to get here?" Hitler says "i killed 6 million Jews"  Stalin replies " i killed 16 million of my own people why? what did you do to get here" bin laden smiles and says" i got the Americans to make a Black man their President!"

hehe..


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: KARNAGE on 09/05/2011, 05:34 PM
Clinton couldn't do it

Bush couldn't do it

Obama did it

It just goes to show, give a nigger a gun and he'll shoot someone.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: BoHiCa on 12/05/2011, 01:01 PM
A young Arab asks his father, "What is that weird hat you are wearing?"
 
The father said, "Why, it's a 'chechia' because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun."
 
"And what is this type of clothing that you are wearing?" asked the young man.
 
"It's a 'djbellah' because in the desert it is very hot and it protects the body." said the father.
 
The son asked, "And what about those ugly shoes on your feet?
 
His father replied, "These are 'babouches", which keep us from burning our feet in the desert."
 
"Tell me," added the boy.
 
"Yes, my son?"
 
"Why are you living in Australia and still wearing all this shit?"


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: DonutKing on 12/05/2011, 03:15 PM
How much genetic data is stored in sperm

The length of the haploid human genome is ~3.1e9 base pairs. Thus, at 2 bits/bp, each sperm carries ~3.1e9 bp * 2 bits/bp = 6.2e9 bits (740 MB) in genetic information.

Although sperm count is highly variable, the average total sperm count is ~300 million per ejaculate. Thus, we have 740 MB * 300e6 = 2.32e17 bytes = 217,000,000 gigabytes = 206 petabytes per ejaculation. One petabyte = 1000 terabytes.

So assuming the average spooge is about 3 seconds, this represents a data transfer rate of about 68.666 petabytes/second.... which is close enough to 69.

When you blow your load your little fellas is spewing out more than 69,000 modern hard drives worth of information. This is by far the most efficient method of data transfer in the known universe.



Unfortunately the packet loss for this mode of transmission is terribly high.

If they were using TCP/IP the transfer would look something like this:

syn.. ack.. Syn.. Ack.. SYN.. ACK.. fin.. fin+ack :(


This sets the stage for some terrible pick up lines:

'Can I anonymously upload into your server?'
Which can be countered with:
'403 PERMISSION DENIED'
... forever a localhost :(


although if you're REALLY lucky your partner may allow you to use a proxy.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Syklone on 12/05/2011, 03:28 PM
Or allow another type of back door entry. :)


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Chalice on 12/05/2011, 04:46 PM
Also handy to note that unless you want an unwanted trojan or virus you should always use an appropriate blocker as removing unwanted trojans can be a real hassle as well as expensive to remove and a virus can cause dramas as well as kill the system entirely


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Noraa78 on 23/06/2011, 11:04 AM
How does every ethnic joke start?
With a look over your shoulder.

and on that note.....

What do you call a nigger with a stutter?
Cocoon.

What’s the difference between a refugee and ET?
ET looked better, smelled better, learnt English, didn’t claim benefits, had his own fucking bike and wanted to go home!

Some guy just knocked on my door selling raffle tickets for poor black orphans. I said, “Fuck that – knowing my luck, I’d win one!”


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: KARNAGE on 05/07/2011, 07:11 PM
A mother and daughter had earnt a reputation of being the two biggest sluts in town and the daughter was going to get married.

The groom was a virgin and had no idea about his bride's rep, so the daughter asked:
"mum, how can I make sure he doesn't notice I'm not tight after the wedding?"

"it's simple hun, just put an apple up there and he'll never notice"

So she did and the husband knew nothing of it.

But one day, the daughter left it out when taking a shower and forgot to put it back in and the husband ate it.

Horrified, the daughter called her mum
"mum, he's just eatan the apple! what do I do? will he be alright if he ate it?!"

"he should be ok, your father ate the watermelon and he's still alive"


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: KARNAGE on 05/07/2011, 07:14 PM
can't remember if I've put these up here

I got a brand new Rolex for my birthday from my two lesbian friends. I think they misunderstood what I meant when I said "I want a watch"


Why are people often late when there's a black-out?
cause someone has to shoot him.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: KARNAGE on 29/08/2011, 03:32 PM
did you hear about what happened to the Duracell bunny?

he was charged with battery


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Chalice on 29/08/2011, 04:03 PM
*shakes head *   * walks away*


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Number One on 03/09/2011, 09:56 AM
The First World War, explained as a pub fight...........

Germany, Austria and Italy are stood together in the middle of the pub, when Serbia bumps into Austria, and spills Austria's pint.

Austria demands Serbia buy it a complete new suit, because there are splashes on its trouser leg.

Germany expresses its support for Austria's point of view

Britain recommends that everyone calm down a bit.

Serbia points out that it can't afford a whole suit, but offers to pay for cleaning Austria's trousers.

Russia and Serbia look at Austria.

Austria asks Serbia who it's looking at.

Russia suggests that Austria should leave its little brother alone.

Austria inquires as to whose army will assist Russia in compelling it to do so.

Germany appeals to Britain that France has been looking at it, and that this is sufficiently out of order that Britain should not intervene.

Britain replies that France can look at who it wants to, that Britain is looking at Germany too, and what is Germany going to do about it?

Germany tells Russia to stop looking at Austria, or Germany will render Russia incapable of such action.

Britain and France ask Germany whether it's looking at Belgium.

Turkey and Germany go off into a corner and whisper. When they come back, Turkey makes a show of not looking at anyone.

Germany rolls up its sleeves, looks at France, and punches Belgium.

France and Britain punch Germany. Austria punches Russia. Germany punches Britain and France with one hand and Russia with the other.

Russia throws a punch at Germany, but misses and nearly falls over. Japan calls over from the other side of the room that it's on Britain's side, but stays there. Italy surprises everyone by punching Austria.

Australia punches Turkey, and gets punched back. There are no hard feelings, because Britain made Australia do it. Australia calls New Zealand over and asks him to give him a hand  New Zealand agrees and distracts Turkey by telling him how New Zealand is going to show Canada how to have a proper punch up with Germany, Australia walks around behind turkey and then cunt punts him, turkey decides he's had enough and stays down.

France gets thrown through a plate glass window, but gets back up and carries on fighting. Russia gets thrown through another one, gets knocked out, suffers brain damage, and wakes up with a complete personality change.

Italy throws a punch at Austria and misses, but Austria falls over anyway. Italy raises both fists in the air and runs round the room chanting.

Canada and New Zealand hold Germany while Britain and France punch into Germany, Australia comes over after kicking turkey a few times and explaining how he'll be back every year to check on him. Australia decides to give Germany a cunt punt too, exclaims how this is the best fight he has ever had and how they should do it again some time.

America waits till Germany is about to fall over from sustained punching from Britain and France, then walks over and smashes it with a barstool, then pretends it won the fight all by itself. America then walks over to the other side of the bar and sits down with Japan and proceeds to tell Japan how good a fighter he is.

By now all the chairs are broken, and the big mirror over the bar is shattered. Britain, France and America agree that Germany threw the first punch, so the whole thing is Germany's fault . While Germany is still unconscious, they go through its pockets, steal its wallet, and buy drinks for all their friends


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Jstar on 03/09/2011, 10:55 AM
Pretty accurate Anglo :P


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Mummbles on 04/09/2011, 04:39 PM
lol sounds like Australia and New Zealand missed out on the free drinks   :PDT_Armataz_01_14:


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Number One on 04/09/2011, 09:41 PM
nah' i am pretty sure they were getting stuck into turkey's stash of hash.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: BoHiCa on 08/09/2011, 04:37 PM
1. _ _NDOM
 
2. F_ _K
 
3. P_N_S
 
4. PU_S_
 
5. S_X
 
6. BOO_S
 
Answers:
 
.
 .
 .
 .
 .
 .
 .
 1. RANDOM.
 2. FORK.
 3. PANTS
 4. PULSE
 5. SIX
 6. BOOKS
 


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: KezKaMate on 17/09/2011, 05:27 PM
Ever Had Ethiopian Food? "No" Neither Have They.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Damit on 21/09/2011, 01:24 AM
there's always a space for all of god's creatures... right next to the mashed potato and gravy


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Jakes2142 on 21/09/2011, 08:25 AM
+1 and i have stolen it.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: KezKaMate on 22/09/2011, 09:05 PM
I'm Not Racist, I Don't Have A Problem With Asians Living In Asia.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: KezKaMate on 22/09/2011, 09:05 PM
I'm Not Racist. Racism Is a Crime. And Crime Is For Black People.  :D


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Mummbles on 22/09/2011, 11:13 PM
lol thats funny ^^^


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: KARNAGE on 24/09/2011, 10:49 AM
have you seen the latest bree olson video?

last time I saw that many guys coming out of a hole was the chilean miners rescue


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Wombat756 on 12/10/2011, 04:33 PM
My wife bought me a watch for my birthday.
I said "I'll name it after your vagina"
She said"why,cos it's sexy and you love it?"
"nah, cos it's loose on my wrist...."


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Sillen on 15/10/2011, 08:01 AM
smiddi is trying to book motels in geelong.  one of them had a review in chinese which translated as follows:

Hotels more remote, looking for a long time to find the time to have been late, over time the original Australian work is expected to reach very early start is also concerned about the time the staff have been off work, can not Check-In
后来到了的时候,果然酒店门口一片漆黑,结果我在前台的小屋房门口的内门和防盗门之间看到了工作人员留给我的信封,上见还画了个笑脸符号^^ Later I went to, when really dark front of the hotel, the results of my cabin at the front desk inside the door between the door and security door I saw the staff left the envelope, on see also drew a smiley face ^ ^
酒店是属于公园式Cabin,里面很大,有6个床位呢,有4个是上下铺的,在一个小房间里,不过看起来也满温馨的房间是Family Cabin,客厅很非常之大,厨房设施完整 The hotel is part of the park-style Cabin, which is large, then six-bed, four are on the lower berth, in a small room, but seems to have filled the room is warm and Family Cabin, it is very large living room, kitchen Full facilities


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: KARNAGE on 15/10/2011, 10:18 AM
What does an Italian have when one arm is shorter than the other?

A speech impedement.


Why can't Italians get acne?

It just slides off


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Dex on 15/10/2011, 07:43 PM
Two old friends are camping in the woods together.

After two days and two nights one suggest at dinner: "You know, we've known each other for sooo long - there's not much to talk about. Why don't we spend the day separate tomorrow and tell each other our excursions over dinner? I go north and you go south - meet you back at camp for dinner?" "You bet!" the other replied.

So the next day they each go their separate ways and once the sun set they each headed back to camp. Upon arrival the first immediately asks: "So, how was your day?"

"I went north as you know and walked for several hours until I got to this beautiful little pond, which was a portion of a larger river. It was clear as anything so took my clothes off and swam for a while. When I got hungry I walked over to the river and fished my lunch, it was so full of fish it barely took a dozen casts. After lunch I relaxed in the sun a little more before I headed back to camp to see you. Quite a remarkable day - beautiful as ever. How about you? What where you up to all day?" he asked.

"I went south and I took no more than a few hours before I ran into railroad tracks and saw this AMAZING looking gal tied to the tracks. I ran over right away and untied her - just to have sex with her for the rest of the day. Man, we did it in every position you can imagine... Pooh I am still exhausted."

"ARE YOU FOR REAL - this really happened to you??? Did she give you a blow job too???"

"Nah - I couldn't find her head"....


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Dex on 15/10/2011, 07:45 PM

A nun is in the bath when there's a knock on the bathroom door.

"Hello! It's the blind man. May I come in?"

The nun ponders for a moment, and thinking he may need spiritual guidance and that he is blind agrees. The door opens and in walks a guy.

"Fucking nice tits! Now, where do you want these blinds?"


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Dex on 15/10/2011, 07:54 PM
I took a bird back home last night.

We got kissing on the sofa and, before long, I slipped my hand into her knickers. She asked, "Shall we take this upstairs?"

I said, "No, I'd rather we did it here."

"Oh I see." She winked, "Something in your bedroom you don't want me to see, eh?"

I said, "Yeah, my wife."


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Dex on 16/10/2011, 12:58 AM
A little girl and her mother walking through the park one day when they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench.
The little girl says......."Mummy, what are they doing?"
The mother hesitates then quickly replies, "Ummm they are making cakes."
The next day they go to the zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex.
Again, she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, "Making cakes."

The next day the girl says to her mother, "Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the livingroom last night, eh?"
Shocked, the mother asks, "How do you know?"
She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa."


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: KARNAGE on 16/10/2011, 01:03 AM
I locked myself out of my car outside an abortion clinic


apparently they get really offended when you ask for a coathanger


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Jstar on 16/10/2011, 10:47 AM
I locked myself out of my car outside an abortion clinic


apparently they get really offended when you ask for a coathanger
LOL


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: KARNAGE on 22/10/2011, 10:53 PM
How do you save a black man from drowning?

take your foot off his head


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: cryptochild4 on 23/10/2011, 07:19 AM
wont work karnage, no natural boyancy


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: KARNAGE on 04/11/2011, 06:50 PM
What's the definition of suspicion?


Your hotdog has a vein in it


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: BoHiCa on 26/11/2011, 04:03 PM

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt.

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step, and, once again, much to her dismay, she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind a third time to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends!"


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: KARNAGE on 27/11/2011, 04:40 PM
I recently found out that when using the urinal 33% of men hold their cock with their left hand and 67% use their right.
89% wanted to know why I was watching them piss.

People can be so easy to read. Like if their face is red, they're embarrassed. Or if their skin is brown, they're about to commit a crime.



I confessed to my girlfriend that I'd lost my previous job as a primary school teacher for having sex with someone in my care.

She was horrified- "Oh my GOD! You're a paedo, get the hell away from me!"

I replied quickly "No I phrased that badly, I didn't have sex with one of the children"

"Oh thank God for that." she said in relief.

"But I am banned from keeping rabbits for ten years" I added.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: KARNAGE on 30/11/2011, 02:50 PM
What's the difference between a walrus and Tupperware?

They're both looking for a tight seal
(stolen from Splode!)


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Number One on 30/11/2011, 07:43 PM
whats the difference between pink and purple....








the grip..


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Holzy on 30/11/2011, 09:23 PM
What's the difference between a walrus and Tupperware?

They're both looking for a tight seal
(stolen from Splode!)

I tell a similar joke (that goes like this)

Why did the Walrus go to the Tupperware party?

...To find a tight Seal


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: KARNAGE on 15/12/2011, 10:04 PM
HD porn is so clear, you can almost see the parents disappointment


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: DonutKing on 16/12/2011, 05:14 AM
Never noticed that but you can definitely see the pimples and ingrown hairs


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Number One on 25/12/2011, 08:43 PM
not a joke but funny none the less.

How to Survive a Horror Movie
December 23rd, 2011
A quick run-down should you ever find yourself trapped in a horror movie and would prefer to live to tell the tale.

1. Don’t have sex.
- Seriously, Abstinence is key

2. Don’t go out with people you’ve just met that day.
- I don’t care what he says, he is cuckoo bananas, and he wants you dead

3. Don’t go to camp. Especially one where someone was murdered.
- There are six words you should YouTube, should you get the chance, “Kevin Bacon in Friday the 13th”

4. Find a good hiding place and… STAY THERE.
- If the killer can’t see you or hear you WHY WOULD YOU MOVE?
— Possibly the easiest rule to follow and, ironically enough, the most broken

5. Always wear sensible shoes, ‘cause you never know when you’ll need to run through the woods.
- Someone will always be barefoot
- Or in heels
- Or just plain clumsy
- And will sprain their ankles
- And die

6. If the town looks deserted, it’s probably because everyone is dead.
- Don’t walk around looking for people

7. Don’t be a hero.
- Unless your name is Harry Fucking Potter, you will die
- Hell, maybe even then

8. If you hear something creepy in the distance, like a dog’s yelp cut off mid-bark, don’t investigate.
- The killer is there
- Also your dog is dead

9. Always check the backseat before entering your vehicle.
- The last thing you need is to be killed while trying to merge on the expressway

10. If your car breaks down in front of a dilapidated gas station, don’t ask a sketchy-looking townie for help.
- Some part of your body will wind up in his pick-up truck

11. Don’t go into the basement.
- They are creepy enough without you dying in one

12. If you’re trying to buy a house and the real estate agent won’t answer any direct questions about either the history of the home or the previous tenants, DO NOT MOVE IN.
- At some point, someone in the house heard voices and cracked

13. Turn off the television (and run away) if a girl crawls out of it.
- It is obviously your wisest choice

14. If the walls of your house bleed, do not attempt an exorcism.
- Move very very far away
- Because there’s blood on your walls
- Your
- Walls
- Are
- Bleeding
- Run

15. Don’t act like a detective.
- Some crazy Japanese kid who meows like a cat will attack you in a closet

16. Google the location where you’ll be vacationing.
- If more than five reports for “Missing Persons” pops up, you know not to go there
- Issue
- Solved

17. Don’t get drunk or come under the influence of any mind-altering drug.
- Running away from a killer is that much harder when you’re tipsy and giggling

18. If you see someone in a mask, don’t assume it’s one of your friends playing a trick on you to scare you.
- It is the killer
- He will kill you

19. Don’t take a shower.
ONLY APPLIES IF:
- It’s past midnight at the campground you and your friends are staying at or the lock to the door doesn’t work and you hear creepy piano music

20. If the call is coming from inside the house, get out.
- Clearly the killer is not outside, now is he


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: KARNAGE on 09/01/2012, 09:45 AM
some new ones I learned

How do you get 100 babies in a bucket?

with a blender

How do you get 100 babies out of a bucket?

with doritos


How do you have a fair fight with a wog?

take out his SIM card






What do you call 100 asians in a plastic bag?







Clean up Australia day


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: KARNAGE on 09/01/2012, 12:51 PM
A bear and a rabbit are walking in the woods one day and they see a bottle. They rub it and as was expected, a genie pops out. The Genie says

"I will grant you 3 wishes each"

the bear says "I wish all the other bears were female"
The genie makes it happen

The rabbit says "I wish I had a helmet"
The genie makes it happen

The bear says "I wish I had the best sex-drive of all the bears"
The genie made it happen

The Rabbit says "I wish I had a motorbike" (along with the ability to ride one, of course)
The genie made it happen

The bear says "I wish I had a bigger dick"
The genie makes it happen

The rabbit then jumps on his motorbike, straps on the helmet and says "I wish the bear was gay" and rides off.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: addappt on 09/01/2012, 03:33 PM
Whats green and slimey and smells like bacon?



Kermit the frogs finger!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------


Why did god create the yeast infection?



So women would know whats its like to live with an annoying cunt too!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------



Whats the differnence between a pizza and a jew?



A pizza doesnt scream when you throw it in the oven!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Whats the difference between a fridge and a woman?



A fridge doesnt fart when you take your meat out!



Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: KARNAGE on 22/01/2012, 01:40 AM
George Michael has recently sent his sympathies to the sunken italian cruise ship by saying "I'm often left abandoned and laying on my side with a badly damaged bottom and seamen inside me after a nights cruising"


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: KARNAGE on 03/02/2012, 04:22 PM
whats harder than nailing a dead baby to a tree?
nailing it to a puppy

what do you get when you peel a baby?
and erection

what happens to a baby after you put it in the microwave?
I dunno but its really warm to fuck with after

whats red and crawls up your leg?
a homesick abortion


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: KARNAGE on 09/02/2012, 03:27 PM
How is a black guy and a bicycle similar?

They dont work unless you put a chain on them



A local lesbian was found dead after an all-night liqour-thon. police believe she overdosed on crack
(if you dont get it, say it)


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Syklone on 10/02/2012, 06:22 AM
Chalice


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Damit on 10/02/2012, 01:35 PM
Chalice
:PDT_Armataz_01_14: :PDT_Armataz_01_14: :PDT_Armataz_01_14: :PDT_Armataz_01_14: :PDT_Armataz_01_14: :PDT_Armataz_01_14: :PDT_Armataz_01_14: :PDT_Armataz_01_14: :PDT_Armataz_01_14: :PDT_Armataz_01_14: :PDT_Armataz_01_14: :PDT_Armataz_01_14:
thats so funny


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Damit on 10/02/2012, 01:49 PM
STUPID LABELS!

ON TESCO"S TARAMISU DESERT: Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)
ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING: Product will be hot after heating! (Are you sure?? Let's experiment.)
ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON: Do not iron clothes on body. (But wouldn't that save more time?)
ON BOOTS CHILDREN'S COUGH MEDICINE: Do not drive car or operate machinery. (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)
ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID): Warning-may cause drowsiness. (One could hope.)
ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE: Warning-keep out of children.
ON A STRING OF CHINESE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS: For indoor or outdoor use only. (As opposed to outerspace or underground?)
ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR: Not to be used for the other use. (Now I'm curious)
ON SAINSBURY'S PEANUTS: Warning-contains nuts. (As opposed to peas?)
ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKAGE OF NUTS: Instuctions-open packet, eat nuts. (And then?)
ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
ON SEARS HAIRDRYER: Do not use while sleeping. (BUT that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)
ON A BAG OF FRITOS: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special!)
ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP: Directions-use like regular soap. (As if we didn't know)
ON SOME SWANN FROZEN DINNERS: Serving suggestion-Defrost. (But it is "just" a suggestion!)
ON A HOTEL PROVIDED SHOWER CAP IN BOX: Fits one head. (But we were going to share.)


The DEEP Hole

Two men are walking through the woods when they come across this big deep hole.
"Wow.....that looks deep."
"Sure does.....toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is."
They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait.....no noise.
"WOW, that is REALLY deep. Here... throw one of these big rocks down there. Those should make a noise."
They pick up a couple of football-size rocks and toss them into the hole and wait. Nothing.
They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says,
"Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT in, it's GOTTA' make some noise."
The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole. Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them as fast as its legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps into the air and into the hole. The two men are astonished at what they have just seen.
Then out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over.
"Hey, you two guys seen my goat out here?"
"You bet we did! Craziest thing I have ever seen. It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!"
"Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat. You see, MY goat was chained to a railroad tie!"


A YOUNG MAN was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.
"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who died just recently."
"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "Is there anything I can do for you?"
"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Goodbye Mother!' it would make me feel much better."
"Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye Mother!" and felt quite good about himself that he did a good deed and made someone happy.
As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"
"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.


Military Humour
During training exercises, the leutenant, who was driving down a muddy back road, encountered another jeep stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel.
"your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the leutenant as he pulled alongside.
"Nope," replied the colonel coming over and handing him the keys, "Yours is."
--------
Having just moved into his new office, a pompous new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Concious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir."
Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?"
"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, ... "I'm just here to hook up your telephone."
--------
Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: Sure, buddy.
Officer: That is no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again.
Officer: Do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: No, SIR!
--------

Anger Vs. Exasperation
A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked, "Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?"
The father replied, "It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean." With that the father went to the telephone and dialed a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said, "Hello, is Melvin there?" The man answered, "There is no one living here named Melvin. Why don't you learn to look up numbers before you dial them?"
"See," said the father to his daughter. "That man was not a bit happy with our call. He was probably very busy with something and we annoyed him. Now watch......"
The father dialed the number again. "Hello, is Melvin there?" asked the father.
"Now look here!" came the heated reply, "You just called this number and I told you that there is no Melvin here! You've got a lot of nerve calling again!" the reciever was slammed down hard.
The father turned to his daughter and said, "You see that was anger. Now I'll show you what exasperation means." He dialed the same number, and when the voice roared, "HELLO!" the father calmly said, "Hello, this is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?"
--------


The Importance of Proper Punctuation!
Dear John:
I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People, who are not like you, admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy--will you let me be yours?
Gloria


Dear John:
I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be?
Yours,
Gloria


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Damit on 10/02/2012, 03:28 PM
An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincenzo, who used to help him, was in prison.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Vincenzo,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I am getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the garden for me.
Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Papa,
I'd do anything for you Papa, except dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies.
Love, Vinnie

At 4 am the next morning the police arrived in force and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. The same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Papa,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Vinnie


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: DonutKing on 15/02/2012, 04:22 PM



There was a farmer who owned a bull and a female cow and was trying desperately to mate the two. No matter what he did the bull didn't want any.

Finally he went to a friend who claimed to have had the same problem. So he asked him what could he do. The friend told him that he had to stick his arm up the cows vagina and rub it on the bull's nose. After doing so the bull went crazy and started humping the cow over and over.

With the success of the bull the farmer starts to wonder if this will work for him. So that night he gets in bed and starts playing with his wife. He rubs his nose with his hand and gets the biggest boner he has ever gotten.

He wakes his wife and tells her to look. She looks, and with a mean look on her face says, "You woke me up to show me that you have a bloody nose."






Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Chalice on 15/02/2012, 04:41 PM
Ohhh FFS Donut +1 :sick:


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: DonutKing on 15/02/2012, 04:56 PM
(http://i371.photobucket.com/albums/oo152/GoodnightWalter/dolmio3.jpg)


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Wombat756 on 17/02/2012, 09:42 AM
Movie Test

This is pretty damn amazing. Mine turned out to be "Raiders of the
Lost Ark". I was surprised how this worked. Be honest and don't look
at the movie list till you have done the maths!
Try this test and find out what movie is your favourite. This amazing
maths quiz can predict which of 18 films you would enjoy the
most. Don't ask me how, but it really works!
 
Movie Test:
Pick a number from 1-9.
Multiply by 3.
Add 3.
Multiply by 3 again.
Now add the two digits together to find your predicted favourite movie
in the list of 18 movies below.
 
 
 
 
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Movie List:
1. Gone With The Wind
2. E.T.
3. Beverly Hills Cop
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly
7. Jaws
8. Grease
9. The Joy of Anal Sex With A Goat
10. Casablanca
11. Jurassic Park
12. Shrek
13. Pirates of the Caribbean
14. Titanic
15. Raiders Of The Lost Ark
16. Home Alone
17. Mrs. Doubtfire
18. Toy Story

Now, ain't that something.....



Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Chalice on 17/02/2012, 09:45 AM
Pfft...could've just looked at the list and called that! ;)


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Holzy on 17/02/2012, 02:28 PM
OMG why!?

9. The Joy of Anal Sex With A Goat

This really works :)


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Syklone on 17/02/2012, 02:51 PM
OMG why!?

9. The Joy of Anal Sex With A Goat

This really works :)

freaky I got Toy Story... Oh wait, I suck at maths and like goats too


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: BoHiCa on 17/02/2012, 03:00 PM
> I found an old black bag full of drugs floating in a bath yesterday. I

> called an ambulance, but Whitney was dead by the time they arrived.
>
> -What's white, 6 inches long, and won't be sucked on Valentine's Day?
> Whitney's Crack Pipe.
>
> -When the paramedics arrived they said "Its Houston we have a
problem".
>
> -Nintendo are releasing a new game based on the lives of Amy Winehouse

> and Whitney Houston. It's called WiiHab.
>
> -What was Whitney Houston doing in the bath tub? Washing her crack.
>
> -Large amount of prescription drugs found in Whitney's room... I bet
> Jacko's doctor is shitting himself.
>
> -What's the difference between Whitney Houston and Amy Winehouse? 204
days.
>
> -What's the difference between Whitney Houston and Michael Jackson?
> One was a crackhead and one fucked little boys.
>
> -What's black, lies on the floor 'Will Always Love You' and has white
> stuff around its nose? A border collie.
>
> -A back single mother overdoses... what's the big deal?
>
> -Some sources claim that Whitney Houston is not really dead and that
> she's in character for her new film 'The Bodybag'.
>
> -Charlie Sheen better die soon or heaven will run out of crack before
> he gets there.
>
> -Whitney Houston cause of death: she waited too long to exhale.
>
> -What's white and has two holes? The inside of Whitney's nose.
>
> -Is it really snowing or did Whitney sneeze??
>
> -What was Whitney Houston's biggest hit? Her last one.
>
> -Why did Whitney Houston snort Splenda? She thought that it was Diet
Coke.
>
> -Isn't it somewhat ironic that a woman who hasn't been clean for years

> managed to die in a bath?
>
> -Tragic news from the music industry "Justin Bieber still alive!"
>
> -Whitney Houston died just hours after being asked to be a judge on
> the next season of X-Factor. Personally I think she made the right
decision.
>
> -A full day of Whitney Houston on MTV. I don't know who is in hell, us

> or her.
>
> -With Whitney Houston now dead I think we'll see a vast improvement in

> her live shows.
>
> -I bet they didn't need to draw any white lines around Whitney
> Houston's body.
>
> -So Whitney died... now she's reunited with her career.
>
> -Can everybody waiting to mourn over Whitney's death please form a
line?
> It's what she would have wanted.
>
> -On the day that Whitney Houston died Bobby Brown still played a gig.
> I mean it's pretty disgusting... what kind of people pay to see Bobby
Brown?
>
> -Whitney Houston found dead. Columbian economy collapses.
>
> -Two detectives are in Whitney Houston's hotel room. One says to the
> other "I've never heard of her. What was she famous for?" The other
> copper replies "She was a very well-known musician". The first
> detective looks around and says "Ah, I see now. Let me guess, she
played the spoons?"
>
> -Dear Lord, thank you for answering my prayers. However you seem to
> have made a terrible error. I said "Britney" not "Whitney".
>
> -For the first time since the early 90's, Whitney Houston has everyone

> talking about her latest 'Hit'.
>
> -Confusion in heaven today as Whitney Houston tries to explain to
> Michael Jackson why 5 year old crack is bad.
>
> -Live from the Beverly Hills Hospital's Life Support Division: Whitney

> Houston Unplugged.
>
> -Decorations will be different in the Houston house this coming
Christmas.
> There will still be a tree but fewer needles lying on the floor.
>
> -Everyone seems so saddened by the death of Whitney Houston. What
> saddens me more is her greatest hits album will surely be out soon.
>
> -Whitney Houston lived her life as I ski - face down in a pile of
> white powder.
>
> -Whitney Houston has now been drug free for at least one day.
>
> -Whitney Houston ended her life the same way she ended her songs. On a

> high note.
>
> -It is such a shame to hear about Whitney Houston dying of a drug
overdose.
> I was truly hoping that she died in a car crash while giving Mariah
> Carey and Celine Dion a lift.
>
> -Yesterday I heard that the world had just lost a great asset to the
> music industry. One whom many referred to as 'The Queen of Pop' and
> I'd just like to take a moment and say we will miss her greatly. May
> Elton John rest in peace.
>
> -Hey don't want to spoil it but the extended version of the bodyguard
> is on tonight, she dies in the end.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: KARNAGE on 17/02/2012, 08:06 PM
An actual poem for Valentines day

Bitch, you is fine.

Bitch you is fine
Dat ass is devine
It's finer than wine
Got flawless design

Bitch you is fine
Dat smile's benign
Yo teeth got some shine
Ima take you to dine

Bitch you is fine
You is at least a 9
Ima make you a sign
Dat says "Bitch, please be mine"

Bitch you is fine
Them stars are aligned
So i think it is time
Bitch, be my valentine.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: KARNAGE on 18/02/2012, 10:14 PM
whats the difference between an italian grandma and an elephant?

about 50kg and a black dress



How is Italian christmas different?
One mary, one jesus and 32 Wise guys


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Sillen on 02/03/2012, 08:00 AM
Copy of a post from WP:

post 1: "nothing happens in WA unless Gina says so"

post 2: "Ah, the state of Wagina."


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: KARNAGE on 12/03/2012, 12:55 AM
Who's joseph kony's favourite rapper?

Soulja Boy


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: KARNAGE on 12/03/2012, 02:15 PM
Mass Effect 3 jokes (said between Garrus and joker)

What do you call it when a Turian gets killed by a gigantic spiky monster?
Friendly fire

How many humans does it take to activate a dormant mass relay?
602; 600 to vote on it, 1 to ask the asari for technical help and 1 to request a seat on the council afterward

How do you know when a Turian is out of ammo?
He switches to the stick up hiss ass as a backup weapon

Why does the alliance hire pilots with brittle bone disease?
so their marines can beat someone in hand-to-hand drills

what's the hardest part about treating a turian who took a rocket to one side of his face?
figuring out which side took the rocket


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: BoHiCa on 13/03/2012, 12:04 PM
Brilliant in its simplicity ...

 


A. Back off and let those men who want to marry men, marry men.
 
B. Allow those women who want to marry women, marry women.


C. In three generations, there will be no Greens.

                   

 

- I love it when a plan comes together so simply.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Ice_Munney on 18/03/2012, 09:08 AM
+1


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Gedismad on 28/04/2012, 08:31 AM
Blackberry gets hit by lighting it blows up

iPhone gets hit by lighting it makes a transformer

Nokia gets hit by lighting battery fully charged


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Swaggar on 28/04/2012, 08:58 PM
See Gedismad posted in Jokes thread, clicks off immediately.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: cryptochild4 on 28/04/2012, 09:50 PM
a skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer......


......and a mop


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Swaggar on 28/04/2012, 11:00 PM
Why didn't the skeleton go to the prom?


Because he had no body to go with.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: jazzycat on 30/04/2012, 04:00 PM
How do you get Pikachu onto the bus?


Poke 'im on.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: SolidSmiddi on 01/05/2012, 10:54 AM
Whats green has six legs and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you?






...a pool table.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: jazzycat on 01/05/2012, 05:46 PM
I like my wine how I like my women...


...10 years old on a rack in the cellar.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: DirtyHarry on 01/05/2012, 05:57 PM
Four secrets to a healthy relationship (for men):

1.  It is important to find a woman who cooks and cleans.
2.  It is important to find a woman who makes good money.
3.  It is important to find a woman who likes to have sex.
4.  It is important that these three women never meet.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Carples on 08/05/2012, 06:47 AM
The Grim Reaper came for me last night and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

 

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador .  ”Bugger that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

 

Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do you know?  He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!”

 

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest p* nis she had ever laid her hands on.  I said "You're pulling my leg!"

 

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!!  At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.

 

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend, yet.

 

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back.  He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.

 

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.  She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you’re obviously not listening.

 

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

 

Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London. Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.

 

Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.

 

They've had to cancel the panto 'Jack & the Beanstalk' in Birmingham, Bristol, Oldham, Bradford, Burnley, Leicester, Luton and London: Apparently the giant couldn't smell any Englishmen.

 

The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."

 

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!

 

Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter’ who has stabbed six people in the arse in the last 48 hours , believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

 

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

 

A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."

 

Murphy says to Paddy "What ya talkin to an envelope for?" "I'm sending a voicemail ya thick sod!"

 

Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.  It was a lovely service.

 

19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?" Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."

 

An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swam with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.



Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: jazzycat on 11/05/2012, 08:03 PM
"I was sitting in the front room with the wife earlier when I said:

"You're quiet tonight."

She looked at me then opened her mouth "I wa..."

"Don't spoil it" I interrupted, "that was a compliment."

---

I was chatting to this girl in the pub when someone grabbed my shoulder.

"That's my girlfriend mate. Have you got a fucking death wish?" asked this hard looking bastard.

"No.." I replied, "Why.. Has she got AIDS or something?"

---

I was telling a girl in the pub about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born just by feeling their breasts.

"Really?" she said. "Go on then... Try."

After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.

"Come on," she demanded, "What day was I born on?"

"Yesterday?" I replied.

---

Rihanna says chains and whips excite her.

I doubt her ancestors felt the same way.

---

When I have kids, I'm going to make them watch the film '2012' and tell them that I survived that.

---

I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night; He hypnotised 7 blokes then dropped the microphone on his foot and said 'fuck me!'

What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life...

---

My wife's Mum was admitted to hospital earlier with chronic hayfever.

I couldn't make it, so I sent flowers.

---

I just read a list of "100 things to do before you die".
Am surprised "yell for help" isn't one of them.

---

"Doctor," says the receptionist, "the patient you just treated has died on his way out the door. What should I do?"

"Just turn him around," says the doctor, "so it looks like he died on the way in."

---

A dentist to a suffering patient:

"I'm afraid this tooth needs to come out. Don't worry, it'll only take a couple of minutes, but it will cost you an extra $110."

"What? Don't you think it's excessive for a few minutes' work?"

"Well, I can take it out really slowly if you prefer."

---

It's probably a good thing Charles Xavier didn't use his first initial for his band of mutant misfits.

---

I came home drunk last night and my wife wasn't happy.

"How much have you had to drink?" she asked, staring at me.

"Nothing" I slurred.

"Look at me!" she shouted, "It's either me or the pub, which one is it?"

I paused for a second and said, "It's you, I can tell by the voice."

---

I once caught my girlfriend red-handed, masturbating during her period...

---

In a really random streak of coincidence, these jokes are from a FB Community called, Players gone play, goats gone goat (https://www.facebook.com/pages/Players-gone-play-goats-gone-goat/207333462656887).


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: jazzycat on 03/06/2012, 09:57 PM
The first thing a man notices in a woman are her eyes.
And when her eyes aren't looking, he notices her tits...


I was helping out at the centre for deaf kids. I signed to one young boy, "If you had one wish, what would it be?"
He signed back, "I wish I could tell when my mum's coming up the stairs."


I wonder if the label on clothes in China say "made around the corner"?


Me and the wife like to do it doggy style. First I beg, then she rolls over and plays dead.



One day a hippie gets a ride on a public bus and sees a hot young nun. He sits down next to her and promptly asks if she would like to have sex, to which she immediately says no and walks off the bus. The bus driver leans over and says "Hey guy I know how to get that nun to have sex with you..."

Naturally the hippie asks, and the bus driver tells him that every night at midnight the nun goes to an old graveyard to pray for God to forgive her for her past, and that he should dress up like God and tell the nun she will be forgiven if she has sex with you.

The hippie gives his thanks and runs to the nearest costume shop.

Later that evening the hippie gets ready for his big night and drives down to the graveyard and sees the nun praying, on her knees. He says "Behold, I have heard your prayers and you shall be forgiven if you have sex with me!"

The nun agrees but asks if they can have anal sex in order to keep her virginity. The hippie agrees and once they are finished the hippie jumps back and pulls off his mask and says "Surpise, its me the Hippie!"

The nun jumps up and pulls off her mask and says "Surprise, its me the bus driver!"


 
If I was the guy who packed away the parachutes for skydives, I'd be tempted to replace one with a can of Red Bull.


A guy with a gun enters a bar.
"Who the fuck had sex with my wife?" he snarled.
A voice was heard in the background, "You don't have enough bullets mate!"


If a lesbian "cock blocks" another lesbian, would it then be considered a "beaver dam"?


How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it...


The 21st century. When deleting history is more important than making it.




Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: DonutKing on 03/06/2012, 09:59 PM
The first thing a man notices in a woman are her eyes.
And when her eyes aren't looking, he notices her tits...

A truer word has never been spoken


Quote
If a lesbian "cock blocks" another lesbian, would it then be considered a "beaver dam"?

I've heard girls refer to this as 'clam jam'


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Dex on 09/07/2012, 04:00 PM
Two chemists walk into a bar.
The first one says, "I'll have some H2O."
The second says, "I'll have some water too. But why'd you order it like that? We aren't at work."
The first chemist excuses himself and weeps in the bathroom.
His assassination plot had failed.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Syklone on 09/07/2012, 05:40 PM
Two chemists walk into a bar.
The first one says, "I'll have some H2O."
The second says, "I'll have some water too. But why'd you order it like that? We aren't at work."
The first chemist excuses himself and weeps in the bathroom.
His assassination plot had failed.
Dex - simple and lame all rolled into one :(


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Dex on 09/07/2012, 06:26 PM
I was amused by it :P
But perhaps thats your point


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Virgil83 on 09/07/2012, 06:53 PM
So not really a joke but I went for a drive on the weekend and stopped to take a piss... this was scrawled on the urinal wall:

Sir Elton's Doodle went to town,
t'was was hiding from a pussy,
t'will not cum but in a bum,
cuz he's a faggot wussy...

So yank my doodle,
Yank it hard,
Cuz I am feeling randy,
If you try hard you'll make it spurt,
Out will come liquid candy...

There were more paragraphs, but I can't remember them word for word... and each was written in a different colour so I am assuming different authors.

Suffice it to say some people went to a lot of effort because there were 6 in total... LOL


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: DonutKing on 09/07/2012, 07:05 PM
That's pretty clever. I didn't see any graffiti in the toilets at the camp grounds but there was a hole drilled between two stalls with gaffa tape around the edges


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: jazzycat on 04/09/2012, 09:07 PM
Q: What's long, hard and makes a woman moan when up?
A: The ironing board.



Q: My wife thinks that I say grace when she serves food.
A: Thats not the reason I close my eyes and say "Jesus Christ."



Little Johnny from Islington was gravely ill in hospital and sadly passed away. As per his wishes, he requested this his favourite football team be his pall bearers for his coffin.

His mother said "he always wanted Arsenal to let him down one last time".



Two interesting facts about me:
1) My knob is the same length as 2 pens.
2) I'm now banned from Officeworks.



I called my grandparents fossils but they produce suprisingly little energy when burned.



A policeman stops to assist a motorist stranded on the motorway. The motorist, a blonde, was unable to restart their car. The policeman, who knew a little about cars, popped the hood and fiddled around with the engine. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

The blonde says, "What's the story?"

The policeman replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"

The motorist thinks about it for a moment then asks, "How often do I have to do that?"



Heterosexual marriage is where they slip a ring on the finger. Gay marriage is where they slip a finger in the ring.



My local bakery is having a great deal on all their pie's tomorrow...  3.1 for 2.



After hearing that Neil Armstrong died after complaining of chest pains, Sigourney Weaver has gone into hiding.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: KARNAGE on 04/09/2012, 09:30 PM
These are some bad ones



Muslims would've died in the holocaust too but Hitler couldn't get them in the shower


What's worse than a worm  in your apple? (we all know this one)
The Holocaust.
What's worse than the Holocaust?
6 million jews.


Leroy goes to his mother after his day at kindergarten and asks
"mummy, whenever I try to play with the white boys and girls they always call me a nigger. why is that?"
"well", replies his mum, "that's because you're black"

"And mummy, why do the teachers shout at me and tell me to go away, but they're nice to the white boys and girls?"
"well", replies his mum, "that's because you're black"

Leroy then grins and says "well, whenever I'm in the showers with the white boys I notice my penis is much bigger than their penises"
"well", replies his mum", "that's because you're 37"



Why do mutes masturbate with one hand?

so they can moan with the other one.


Why were so many blacks killed in Vietnam?

Because every time their sergeant told them "get down!" they jumped up and started dancing.



How can you tell if a black is well hung?

he stops kicking.



The pizza shop refused to give me what I wanted when I called up and asked for the 9/11 special

All I wanted was two large plains.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Raiden777 on 05/12/2012, 04:56 PM
How many jews can you fit in a car? 50. 2 in the front, 2 in the back and 46 in the ash tray.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: KARNAGE on 06/12/2012, 02:31 PM
What do you call an Ethiopian with a yeast infection?


a quarter pounder with cheese


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Damit on 18/12/2012, 11:59 AM
A cop was staking out the Local Hotel for bikers riding drunk.
At closing time, he sees a biker stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and fum
ble for his keys for five minutes.
When he finally gets on the bike, it takes him another five minutes to get the key in the ignition.
Meanwhile, everybody else leaves the bar and rides off.
When he finally pulls away, the cop is waiting for him, pulls him over, and gives him a Breathalyzer test.
The test shows he has a blood alcohol level of 0.0!
The cop says, "How is this possible?"
The guy laughs and says, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: jimmybeaver on 01/01/2013, 01:28 AM
Q- What's the problem with owning a dildo farm

A - Squatters


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Skullmunch on 16/01/2013, 10:37 PM
Q: WHAT DO YOU CALL A BLONDE WITH PIGTAILS?
A: A BLOW JOB WITH HANDLEBARS


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Skullmunch on 16/01/2013, 10:39 PM
Q. How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex?
A. Call her and tell her.



Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Skullmunch on 20/01/2013, 02:18 PM
Q. how did burger king get dairy queen pregnant
A. he forgot to wrap his whopper


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: DonutKing on 20/01/2013, 02:52 PM
If you used the donut king method, you wouldn't have this problem.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Skullmunch on 20/01/2013, 04:14 PM
What's the donutking method


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Number One on 20/01/2013, 04:39 PM
Why the daffy duck would you ask........ why, by all the gods why...


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: DonutKing on 21/01/2013, 06:35 AM
What's the donutking method

Abstinence.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Sillen on 21/01/2013, 12:09 PM
I had some absinthe yesterday. BLew my sox off


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: DonutKing on 21/01/2013, 12:33 PM
I had abstinence yesterday and blew into my sock


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Number One on 21/01/2013, 06:08 PM
win pure win.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Fez on 25/01/2013, 07:13 AM
LOL, awesome gumtree ad for a subaru brumby.
clicky! (http://www.gumtree.com.au/s-ad/margaret-river/cars-vans-utes/1991-subaru-brumby-ute-must-read-ad-/1007827310)


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Sgt-JoeKickAss on 05/05/2013, 09:28 PM
LOL, awesome gumtree ad for a subaru brumby.
clicky! (http://www.gumtree.com.au/s-ad/margaret-river/cars-vans-utes/1991-subaru-brumby-ute-must-read-ad-/1007827310)

Oh my god....that left me in stitches....


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Cripple459 on 06/05/2013, 08:47 AM
LOL, awesome gumtree ad for a subaru brumby.
clicky! (http://www.gumtree.com.au/s-ad/margaret-river/cars-vans-utes/1991-subaru-brumby-ute-must-read-ad-/1007827310)

Why can't all advertisements for cars and other reigns be as kick ass a this


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Alucard on 07/05/2013, 05:16 PM
(http://resme.me/3u9u0i.jpg)


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: bageled on 23/05/2013, 03:31 PM
A man goes to a fortune teller to find out about his future.
The fortune teller says "you will be poor and unhappy until you are 45"
The man asks excited, "Then what will happen?"
"Then you will get used to it."


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: littletex1 on 11/06/2013, 07:17 PM
Whats the difference between an apple and a black man

There both hung on tree's


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Number One on 12/06/2013, 06:37 PM
oh geez tex, that was inventive, nothing like a good strange fruit reference.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: cryptochild4 on 12/06/2013, 08:07 PM
from someone with experience in Negro fatalities, what the fuck is an apple?


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Damit on 13/06/2013, 06:58 AM
from someone with experience in Negro fatalities, what the fuck is an apple?
:PDT_Armataz_01_14: :PDT_Armataz_01_14: :PDT_Armataz_01_14: :PDT_Armataz_01_14: :PDT_Armataz_01_14: :PDT_Armataz_01_14: :PDT_Armataz_01_14: :PDT_Armataz_01_14: :PDT_Armataz_01_14: :PDT_Armataz_01_14: :PDT_Armataz_01_14: :PDT_Armataz_01_14: :PDT_Armataz_01_14: :PDT_Armataz_01_14: :PDT_Armataz_01_14: :PDT_Armataz_01_14: :PDT_Armataz_01_14:


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: littletex1 on 13/06/2013, 09:21 AM
I thought it was funny when i heard it :P i got told more but cant remember them :(




Why are black people getting stronger?

TV's are getting bigger


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: BudhJnr on 17/06/2013, 05:52 PM
what do u call a black dude bleeding anyone a cherrie ripe


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: jazzycat on 17/06/2013, 06:40 PM
Puns about monorails always make for decent one-liners... :P


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: blakout on 24/07/2013, 09:29 PM
i dont get budhjnrs post... can someone explain it?


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: mandatory05 on 25/07/2013, 12:08 PM
what do u call a black dude bleeding anyone a cherrie ripe

What do you call a black dude bleeding?

anyone...?

A cherry ripe.


A horrible joke but ok :P


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: BudhJnr on 25/07/2013, 04:26 PM
thanks means alot   :(


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: mandatory05 on 27/07/2013, 10:48 AM
thanks means alot   :(

Budh jr it''s ok, it's still better than half the rubbish on this page hey! :P


Title: Re:
Post by: Fez on 27/07/2013, 11:23 AM
Start using punctuation Budhjnr.  People will understand you then. It's the difference between "I helped my uncle jack off a horse" and "I helped my uncle, Jack, off a horse."

Sent from my C6603 using Tapatalk 4 Beta


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Wtalent on 27/07/2013, 01:58 PM
Well fez.... which was it?


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Fez on 29/07/2013, 12:24 PM
Both, one after the other.  ;)


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Splints on 29/07/2013, 06:28 PM
Beer + Shower = a Bower

Beer + Shower + Fap = a Jack Bauer


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: YoGi on 31/07/2013, 03:29 PM
here are some funny jokes about greeks ...
this is just for fun... no hard feelings.

a beautiful blonde was driving outside athens and
her car breaks down suddenly.

then two greek guys approach her yannis and tassos
and ask her if she needs help .

she says yeah please it doesnt run.

tassos makes a signal to yannis and tell her ,

well we can fix your car but if you agree to have
sex with us ...!
she says are U crazzy but then she thinks if
they dont fix her car somebody else might come
and rape her anyhow .

then she says okay guys but under one condition
you have to use condom and leave the condom on...!
otherwise I will get pregnant...

tassos and yannis look at eachother since they never
heard of such thing called condom , they say okay.

so she put on both condoms and have sex with them
and ofcourse they fix the car and she goes on.

after one week yannis calls tassos ,
hey tassos , I cannot stand it anymore ,
I will take that thing off ...
I dont care if she gets pregnant...!

enjoy
lol gotta love my old post's  :D


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: kesawi on 01/08/2013, 07:27 AM
a beautiful blonde was driving outside athens and
his car breaks down suddenly.

then two greek guys approach her yannis and tassos
and ask her if she needs help .
lol gotta love my old post's  :D
By now I hope you've learned the difference between his and her otherwise there's some kinky shit going on  ???


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: YoGi on 01/08/2013, 11:07 AM
a beautiful blonde was driving outside athens and
his car breaks down suddenly.

then two greek guys approach her yannis and tassos
and ask her if she needs help .
lol gotta love my old post's  :D
By now I hope you've learned the difference between his and her otherwise there's some kinky shit going on  ???
LOL i did not pick that up hahaha!


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Skullmunch on 22/08/2013, 04:59 PM
If it tastes like chicken keep on licking if it tastes like trout get the fuck out


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Skullmunch on 07/09/2013, 06:24 PM
A man moved to an Antarctica village because of his new job. This village had many men, but no women. After a few days, the man started getting horny. He asked his boss, "What do you guys do when you're horny here?" The man told him, "We have a barrel with a hole in it. Here I'll show it to you." The boss then took him to the hole and told him to put his thing in the hole. The man did. After a few minutes the man took his thing out and was very satisfied. He told his boss, "Wow! That was really great, I'm going to put my thing in the hole every day of the week!" "Not Thursdays!" said the boss. Confused, the man asked, "Why, what's wrong with Thursdays?" The boss answered, "That's your day to be in the barrel!"

Two men are having a drink in a bar. One says: "You know, I've never really understood what a dilemma is..."
"Let me tell you a story," says the other man,

"Imagine you wake up in a bed with two people next to you.

To your left is an incredibly beautiful woman willing to have sex with you and to your right is a very horny gay man."

"So where's the dilemma?" replies the first man.

"Well..........which one do you turn your back on!!"


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Damit on 26/01/2014, 07:40 PM
A man had just boarded and settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his Black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man.


The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.

The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'.

'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is.
I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'

The plane took off, and once it has levelled out, the Policeman said, 'Watch  this.'

He told Sniffer to 'Search'.

Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.

Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the  policeman's arm.

The Policeman said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man
And said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her
Seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.

'Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the first man.

Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles.

The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.

The Policeman said, 'Two paws mean that man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police.'

'I like it!' said his seat mate.

The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'Search' again.

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to shit all over the place.

The first man was really disgusted by this behaviour and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that.

So he asked the Policeman, 'What's going  on?'

The Policeman nervously replied, 'He's just found a bomb.'


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: cowcar on 28/01/2014, 02:44 PM
A Muslim immigrant goes to the doctor and says,
"I feel terrible."

The doctor examines him and says,
"You need to pee and crap in a bucket for a week, throw in a dead fish and a rotting cabbage.
Put a towel over your head and inhale the vapours for three days."

The Muslim does this and goes back to the doctor and says,
"I feel wonderful! What was wrong with me?"

The doctor replied,
"You were homesick….”


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: BoHiCa on 29/01/2014, 07:49 AM
 
   Choosing a wife
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
 
 
The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.
 
 


The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much..
 
 
Again, the man is impressed.
 
 


The third invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
 
 
 
 
 
Obviously, the man was impressed.
 
 
 
 
 
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.


Then he married the one with the biggest tits.
 
 

Men are like that, you know.

 

 
And on another note!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.



Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: cowcar on 07/05/2014, 07:21 PM
I was in a pub in Kununurra last Saturday night, when this really ugly girl came up to me,  squeezed my arse and said,
"Give me your number, sexy."
 
I replied "Have you got a pen?"

She smiled and said "Yes."
 
I replied, "Well you better get back in it, before the farmer notices you're missing.”
 


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Budh on 13/08/2014, 04:35 PM

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While  tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her,  kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in  there, the husband whispers over to his wife: 'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain...   do whatever he tells you.   Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous.   If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!'

His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear.  He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Jakes2142 on 01/11/2014, 03:44 PM
A train conductor was severely drunk whilst driving a train and the train ran off the tracks.
He was then sentenced to death in the chair after 25died in the accident, he had been given his last meal (a steak marinated in a special blend of African spices) and was put into the chair, when he was asked for his last words he only laughed and the executioner pulled the lever... Nothing happened and so he was taken out of the chair and a new date was set in a week.
Time came again this time under the supervision of the warrant officer and he go the same steak and was asked his final words, he only laughed again and then the lever was pulled.
Nothing happened and this was incredible because in America if you survive the chair 3 times it's considered an act of god. The officer had had enough and would not let this guy ridicule him, the chair and electrics were all checked twice over and a few animals were placed in and killed to ensure it worked, and now a week later. the media had caught wind and the viewing room was packed, reporters and people who were effected by the crimes of this train driver and others interested from far and wide came to see this act of god, could he survive the third time?
He was given his meal of steak marinated in the special blend of African spices and was strapped into the chair, when asked again he only have a small chuckle and the lever was pulled ... Nothing happened, he was unstrapped a free man and the reporters flocked him and they all asked the question how did you survive the electric chair?!!!
"Well", he said in nonchalant way, "I guess I'm just a bad conductor"


Title: Re: Jokes *May Offend*
Post by: Number One on 09/04/2016, 07:06 PM
https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dyyyp/whats_saudi_arabias_highest_rated_sitcom/

one of the funniest reddit threads ive ever seen.

Includes hits such as:
Durka Dynasty
My Arabian Pony: Fatwahs for Magic
Drop Dead Dhimmi
Halal's Kitchen
That's So Riyadh
Chopped
Bob's Burkas
Saudi's Next Top Kafir
M * U * J * I