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Author Topic: Jokes *May Offend*  (Read 98777 times)
Damit
Getting In there and getting Messy
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« on: 07/07/2007, 08:31 PM »

Ok post all your jokes here  :dthumbup:
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“You have got to help me. She is trying to kill me with sex. I cannot get out - and I cannot go on!”
 
Damit
Getting In there and getting Messy
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Karma: 344
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« Reply #511 on: 26/01/2014, 07:40 PM »

A man had just boarded and settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his Black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man.


The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.

The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'.

'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is.
I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'

The plane took off, and once it has levelled out, the Policeman said, 'Watch  this.'

He told Sniffer to 'Search'.

Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.

Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the  policeman's arm.

The Policeman said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man
And said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her
Seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.

'Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the first man.

Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles.

The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.

The Policeman said, 'Two paws mean that man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police.'

'I like it!' said his seat mate.

The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'Search' again.

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to shit all over the place.

The first man was really disgusted by this behaviour and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that.

So he asked the Policeman, 'What's going  on?'

The Policeman nervously replied, 'He's just found a bomb.'
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“You have got to help me. She is trying to kill me with sex. I cannot get out - and I cannot go on!”
cowcar
Senior Member



Karma: 126
Posts: 899


naf once tried to moleste me


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« Reply #512 on: 28/01/2014, 02:44 PM »

A Muslim immigrant goes to the doctor and says,
"I feel terrible."

The doctor examines him and says,
"You need to pee and crap in a bucket for a week, throw in a dead fish and a rotting cabbage.
Put a towel over your head and inhale the vapours for three days."

The Muslim does this and goes back to the doctor and says,
"I feel wonderful! What was wrong with me?"

The doctor replied,
"You were homesick….”
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BoHiCa
Clan Vice-Captain

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Karma: 307
Posts: 1486


This is my cup of care \_/ oh look its empty!


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« Reply #513 on: 29/01/2014, 07:49 AM »

 
   Choosing a wife
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
 
 
The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.
 
 


The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much..
 
 
Again, the man is impressed.
 
 


The third invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
 
 
 
 
 
Obviously, the man was impressed.
 
 
 
 
 
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.


Then he married the one with the biggest tits.
 
 

Men are like that, you know.

 

 
And on another note!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

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I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!
cowcar
Senior Member



Karma: 126
Posts: 899


naf once tried to moleste me


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« Reply #514 on: 07/05/2014, 07:21 PM »

I was in a pub in Kununurra last Saturday night, when this really ugly girl came up to me,  squeezed my arse and said,
"Give me your number, sexy."
 
I replied "Have you got a pen?"

She smiled and said "Yes."
 
I replied, "Well you better get back in it, before the farmer notices you're missing.”
 
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Budh
Guest
« Reply #515 on: 13/08/2014, 04:35 PM »


A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While  tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her,  kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in  there, the husband whispers over to his wife: 'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain...   do whatever he tells you.   Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous.   If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!'

His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear.  He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.
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Jakes2142
Veteran Member

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Posts: 714


Arc Angel


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« Reply #516 on: 01/11/2014, 03:44 PM »

A train conductor was severely drunk whilst driving a train and the train ran off the tracks.
He was then sentenced to death in the chair after 25died in the accident, he had been given his last meal (a steak marinated in a special blend of African spices) and was put into the chair, when he was asked for his last words he only laughed and the executioner pulled the lever... Nothing happened and so he was taken out of the chair and a new date was set in a week.
Time came again this time under the supervision of the warrant officer and he go the same steak and was asked his final words, he only laughed again and then the lever was pulled.
Nothing happened and this was incredible because in America if you survive the chair 3 times it's considered an act of god. The officer had had enough and would not let this guy ridicule him, the chair and electrics were all checked twice over and a few animals were placed in and killed to ensure it worked, and now a week later. the media had caught wind and the viewing room was packed, reporters and people who were effected by the crimes of this train driver and others interested from far and wide came to see this act of god, could he survive the third time?
He was given his meal of steak marinated in the special blend of African spices and was strapped into the chair, when asked again he only have a small chuckle and the lever was pulled ... Nothing happened, he was unstrapped a free man and the reporters flocked him and they all asked the question how did you survive the electric chair?!!!
"Well", he said in nonchalant way, "I guess I'm just a bad conductor"
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I need mana like a whore.
Number One
Recruiting Officer

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Karma: 110
Posts: 2619


I’m only here to drink beer and fuck fat chicks


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« Reply #517 on: 09/04/2016, 07:06 PM »

https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dyyyp/whats_saudi_arabias_highest_rated_sitcom/

one of the funniest reddit threads ive ever seen.

Includes hits such as:
Durka Dynasty
My Arabian Pony: Fatwahs for Magic
Drop Dead Dhimmi
Halal's Kitchen
That's So Riyadh
Chopped
Bob's Burkas
Saudi's Next Top Kafir
M * U * J * I
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before I die I’m gonna suck a dick, and if I like it…Fuck me I’m gonna be pissed off
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