Damit
Getting In there and getting Messy
Clan Captain
Karma: 344
Posts: 6550
Why Are You Reading This!!!
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« on: 07/07/2007, 08:31 PM » |
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Ok post all your jokes here :dthumbup:
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 “You have got to help me. She is trying to kill me with sex. I cannot get out - and I cannot go on!” |
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Chalice
Clan Mascot
Karma: 584
Posts: 7404
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« Reply #106 on: 23/12/2009, 12:29 AM » |
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A boy got fired from his job at the local fish & chip shop
The dad furious goes into the store and says to the owner "Why did you fire my son?"
The owner replied "Because i found him with the potato peeler up his arse"
"Can I see this potato peeler?" the dad asks
"NO I FIRED HIM AS WELL" the owner screams
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 Does this rag smell like Chloroform to you? |
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Chalice
Clan Mascot
Karma: 584
Posts: 7404
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« Reply #107 on: 23/12/2009, 12:32 AM » |
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A girl asks her doctor "how many calories are in cum?"
The Doctor reply's "Honey if you swallow, nobody gives a flying fuck if your fat!!!"
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Does this rag smell like Chloroform to you? |
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Chalice
Clan Mascot
Karma: 584
Posts: 7404
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« Reply #108 on: 23/12/2009, 12:38 AM » |
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2 guys and a girl are standing on the roof of the empire state building getting drunk.
The first guy turns to the second guy and says "I bet you, that I can jump off this roof and fall 30 stories and using the thermal updrafts from this building I will come to a stop and then float gently back up and land safely on the roof"
The second guy says "Fuck me..you're on" at which point the first guy takes a running jump and leaps off the building...
he falls 10 stories...20...30...and then comes to a stop and begins floating gently upwards..eventually landing on the roof.
The 2nd guys says "fuck me i've gotta give that a try!!"..and leaps off the building...he falls 10 stories..20...30...50..100... SPLAT
The girl turns to the 1st guy and says "Fuck you can be a cunt when you're on the piss Superman!!!!"
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MrX
Legacy Veteran
Karma: 149
Posts: 623
TF2 is my life
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« Reply #109 on: 24/12/2009, 09:06 AM » |
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This is GOLD
DIARY OF A POMMIE IN WESTERN AUSTRALIA .
August 31 - Just got transferred with work from Leeds UK to our new home in Karratha , Western Australia . Now this is a town that knows how to live! Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. I watched the sunset from a deckchair by the pool yesterday. It was beautiful. I've finally found my new home. I love it here.
September 13 - Really heating up now. It got to 31 today. No problem though. Living in air-conditioned home, driving air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a sun-worshipper.
September 30th - Had the back yard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks. No more mowing lawns for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
October 10th - The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least today it's windy though. Keeps the flies off a bit. Acclimatizing is taking longer than I expected.
October 15th - Fell asleep by the pool yesterday. Got third degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed three days of work. What a dumb thing to do! Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.
October 20th - Didn't notice Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car before I left for work this morning. By the time I got back to the car after work, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stuck to the upholstery. The car now smells like Whiskettes and cat shit. I've earned my lesson though: no more pets in this heat.
October 25 - This wind is a bastard. It feels like a giant f&*kin' blow dryer. And it's hot as hell! The home air conditioner is on the blink and the repair man charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needs to order parts from f&*kin' Perth ....
October 30th - The temperature's up around 40 and the parts still haven't arrived for the f&*kin' aircon. Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. Bloody $600,000 house and we can't even go inside. Why the hell did I ever come here?
November 4 - Finally got the ol' aircon fixed. It cost $1,500 and gets the temperature down to around 25 degrees, but the humidity makes it feel about 30. Stupid repairman.
November 8 - If one more smart arse says 'Hot enough for you today?' I'm going to f&*kin' throttle him. F&*kin' heat! By the time I get to work, the car's radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking f&*kin' wet and I smell like baked cat!
November 9 Tried to run some errands after work, wore shorts, and sat on the black leather upholstery in the ol' car. I thought my f&*kin' arse was on fire. I lost two layers of flesh, all the hair on the backs of my legs and my f&*kin' arse. Now the car smells like burnt hair, fried arse and baked cat!
November 10 - Weather report! It might as well be a f&*kin' recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny, Hot and f&*kin' sunny! It's been too hot to do anything for two f&*kin' months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week.
November 15 - Doesn't it ever rain in this damn f&*kin' place? Water restrictions will be next, so my $5,000 worth of palms might just dry up and blow into the f&*kin' pool. The only things that thrive in this hell-hole are the f&*kin' flies. You don't dare open your mouth for fear of swallowing half a dozen of the fuckers!
November 20th - Welcome to HELL! It got to 45 f&*kin' degrees today. Now the air conditioner's gone in my car. The repair man came to fix it and said, 'Hot enough for you today?' I had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail me out of jail for assaulting the stupid fucker. F&*kin' Karratha! What kind of sick, demented f&*kin' idiot would want to live here!
December 1 -
WHAT!!!!
The first day of Summer!!!!
You have got to be f&*kin' kidding me..................
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 ............................. .............It's time to kick ass, and chew bubblegum... and i'm all outta gum".... |
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Chalice
Clan Mascot
Karma: 584
Posts: 7404
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« Reply #110 on: 24/12/2009, 09:09 AM » |
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ROFL Thats Gold +1 for findin it
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Does this rag smell like Chloroform to you? |
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MrX
Legacy Veteran
Karma: 149
Posts: 623
TF2 is my life
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« Reply #111 on: 24/12/2009, 09:12 AM » |
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laughed my arse off reading it. LOL
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............................. .............It's time to kick ass, and chew bubblegum... and i'm all outta gum".... |
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Dex
AWARD: BitchSlapper Extraordinaire (18 Sep 10)
Legacy Veteran
Karma: 162
Posts: 243
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« Reply #112 on: 24/12/2009, 09:40 AM » |
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haha I used to live about 2 hours away from karratha. The Pom is not wrong, up north is shit.
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KARNAGE
AWARD: MASTER OF THE OBVIOUS (26 Aug 2010)
Member
Karma: 44
Posts: 1435
That means I can also think inside the chimney
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« Reply #113 on: 25/12/2009, 09:48 AM » |
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Whats the differance between Santa Clause and Tiger Woods?
Santa stopped after 3 ho's
Whats the differance between Thomas the tank engine and Princess Diana?
Thomas made it through the tunnel.
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Jakes2142
Veteran Member
Karma: 39
Posts: 714
Arc Angel
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« Reply #114 on: 25/12/2009, 05:51 PM » |
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Q. Did you hear about the man who finally figured out women?
A. He died laughing before he could tell anyone.
Q. What does a blonde call a blow job in a honda?
A. her civic duty.
A jackeroo radioed back to the stations manger.
'boss' he siad ' I've gotta problem. I hit a pig with the ute. The pig's still alive but he's stuck in the bull bar and he's wriggling and sqealing so much i can't get him out.'
the manager told him, ' here's what you do. theres a .303 rifle behind the seat - take it out and shoot the pig in the head. then you'll be able to remove him safely.'
Five minutes later the farm hand called back.
' I did what you said, boss. I took the .303 and shoot the pig in the head and got him out of the bull bar. but i still can't get going'
'Now whats up?' roared the boss.
'it's his motorbike. the flashing blue light is stuck under the right front wheel arch, and...boss? you still there boss?'
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« Last Edit: 25/12/2009, 06:43 PM by Jakes2142 »
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 I need mana like a whore. |
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Chalice
Clan Mascot
Karma: 584
Posts: 7404
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« Reply #115 on: 25/12/2009, 06:29 PM » |
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LOLZ Karnage & Jakes Gold +1
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Does this rag smell like Chloroform to you? |
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KARNAGE
AWARD: MASTER OF THE OBVIOUS (26 Aug 2010)
Member
Karma: 44
Posts: 1435
That means I can also think inside the chimney
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« Reply #116 on: 26/12/2009, 10:11 AM » |
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A guy was going to do a oral presentation for a country town and as soon as he stepped on the stage some guy said "whats with your hair".
There was nothing wrong with his hair but he felt like saying "whats with your town" but knew he shouldn't.
the man was sitting next to a very pregnant woman and the guy couldn't even start without this guy chanting "YOU SUCK *clap* get off" so he responded.
"if you said that to your girlfriend she wouldn't be pregnant".
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KARNAGE
AWARD: MASTER OF THE OBVIOUS (26 Aug 2010)
Member
Karma: 44
Posts: 1435
That means I can also think inside the chimney
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« Reply #117 on: 02/01/2010, 01:11 AM » |
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Chuck Norris jokes...
Chuck Norris uses a nightlight...
because the dark is scared of him.
Chuck Norris is stronger than science because he has the element of surprise.
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass...at night
Chuck Norris is the reason why Wally is hiding.
you cant search "Chuck Norris" on Google... Chuck Norris searches you
Chuck Norris left for his destination in the morning, and arrived the night before
When the boogeyman goes to sleep, he checks for Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris doesn't wear a condom becuase there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris
They once made Chuck Norris toilet paper...but it wouldn't take shit from anyone
behind every succesful man, there is a woman
behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch. he decides what the time is.
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Chalice
Clan Mascot
Karma: 584
Posts: 7404
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« Reply #118 on: 02/01/2010, 01:03 PM » |
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I honestly still love Chuck Norris lines + 1
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Dex
AWARD: BitchSlapper Extraordinaire (18 Sep 10)
Legacy Veteran
Karma: 162
Posts: 243
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« Reply #119 on: 02/01/2010, 01:24 PM » |
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who doesnt? +1
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SolidSmiddi
Legacy Veteran
Karma: 142
Posts: 873
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« Reply #120 on: 08/01/2010, 05:57 PM » |
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A man is in a supermarket and see's a boy crying because the boy is lost.
The man says "Dont worry, well find your mum. Whats your mum like?"
The little boy replies "big dicks a tequila slammers"
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