Jokes *May Offend*

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22/06/2023, 10:15 AM Syklone - ..... hi

18/02/2023, 07:10 PM Damit - https://discord.gg/fYqDFYx

18/02/2023, 07:09 PM Damit - join us on Discord https://discord.com/inv... ite/fYqDFYx

29/11/2022, 12:19 PM BoHiCa - YESSSSSS

26/10/2022, 04:27 PM Victor9-5 - yooooooooooooo!

21/05/2021, 06:19 AM DonutKing - First post

28/08/2020, 08:39 AM Damit - its because we are all on discord now mrx

29/07/2020, 07:42 PM MrX - Its a bit dead round here

29/07/2020, 07:42 PM MrX - Anybody playing COD 

26/03/2020, 10:52 AM Epsoma - Hey Team. Locked down in self isolation. Hope you all are good.

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[Damit]

Ok post all your jokes here  :dthumbup:

[Ice]

A man was lying on a blanket at the beach He had no arms or legs.
Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The first woman said " Have you ever had a hug"
The man said "No", So she gave him a hug and walked on.

The second woman said "Have you ever had a kiss".
The man said "No", So she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The third woman walked over to him, knelt down and whispered in his
ear, "Have you ever been F****d?
The fellow looked up in amazement and said "No"

The woman smiled and said "You will be when the tide comes in."

[METAL13]

What do you call a family of abboriginals in an overturned car ??


Tennents !

[Damit]

After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that
was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband
went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have
any
more children.
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a
vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly
alternative wasto go home, get a big firework, Light it, put it in a beer
can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Irish men said to the doctor, "I may not be the
smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a
beer
can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can.

He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3,
4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so
he
could continue counting on his other hand.  This procedure also works in
New
Zealand, parts of Sydney,
Collingwood, Moe, Dandenong, Adelaide and all Tasmania.

[METAL13]

I guy goes to the doctor with severe sytoms of diareah...

The Doc looks at the bloke and goes "well there is only one way to fix this" he said "sepository ! bend over pls " the doc inserts the sepository, The man Yelps " AHHH " dox says " ok all done u need to take these for 2 weeks get ur wife to help u" the man says" ok, thanks doc"...

When he got home he tells his wife she must insert this into his recxtem everyday for 2 weeks, she says "ok ill do it now" the man bends over and she places a hand on his sholder and inserts it, he SCREAMS ! " HOLY FUKIN SHIT" wife goes "wat, wat , wat " the man replys "i just rememberd.... The Doctor had both hands on my sholders ! 

[yogi]

here are some funny jokes about greeks ...
this is just for fun... no hard feelings.

a beautiful blonde was driving outside athens and
his car breaks down suddenly.

then two greek guys approach her yannis and tassos
and ask her if she needs help .

she says yeah please it doesnt run.

tassos makes a signal to yannis and tell her ,

well we can fix your car but if you agree to have
sex with us ...!
she says are U crazzy but then she thinks if
they dont fix her car somebody else might come
and rape her anyhow .

then she says okay guys but under one condition
you have to use condom and leave the condom on...!
otherwise I will get pregnant...

tassos and yannis look at eachother since they never
heard of such thing called condom , they say okay.

so she put on both condoms and have sex with them
and ofcourse they fix the car and she goes on.

after one week yannis calls tassos ,
hey tassos , I cannot stand it anymore ,
I will take that thing off ...
I dont care if she gets pregnant...!

enjoy

[fAnTaLeS]

lol... stupid greeks

[METAL13]

lol yogi is this personal exsperiance with the names changed  :Toung:

[I3oI3]

a beautiful blonde was driving outside athens and
his car breaks down suddenly.

then two greek guys approach her yannis and tassos
and ask her if she needs help .

hmm make your mind up
or are there like wogs these days than can be both

[Damit]

Changing engine oil.



Oil Change instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Ultra Tune after driving 10,000klms since the last oil change.

2) Drink a cup of coffee.

3) 15 minutes later write a cheque and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money Spent: Oil Change $55.00 Coffee $2.50 Total $57.50


Oil Change instructions for Men:


1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a cheque for $95.00.

2) Stop by Liquorland and buy a case of beer, write a cheque for $30.00, drive home.

3) Open a beer and drink it.

4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7) Place drain pan under engine.

8 ) Look for 9/16 box end spanner.

9) Give up and use pliers.

10) Unscrew drain plug.

11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: ! splash hot oil on face and arms in process. Swear.

12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off face and arms.

Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

15) Give up, crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.

16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

17) A mate shows up, finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener work.

18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change."

Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it to recycle.

19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.

20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.

21) Walk to Liquorland buy beer.

22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.

23) Dump first Litre of fresh oil into engine.

24) Remember drain plug from step 11.

25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard along with drain plug.

27) Drink beer.

28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawn mower fuel.

29) Discover that first Litre of fresh oil is now on the floor.

Throw kitty litter on oil spill.

30) Drink beer.

31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid pliers tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.

32) Bang head on floorpan in reaction to step 31.

33) Begin swearing fit.

34) Throw stupid pliers.

35) Swear for additional 10 minutes because pliers hit Miss August
(2002)

36) Beer.

37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

38) Beer.

39) Beer.

40) Dump in five fresh litres of oil.

41) Beer.

42) Lower car from jack stands.

43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.

44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23-43.

45) Beer.

46) Test drive car.

47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

48) Car gets impounded.

49) Call loving wife, make bail.

50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.


Money spent: Parts $95.00 DUI $2500.00 Impound fee $75.00 Bail $1500.00 Beer $60.00 Total-- $4230.00 But! - at least you know the job was done and you know the job was done right!!!

[Damit]

The CIA, FBI and the Los Angeles Police Dept are each asked to prove their capability of apprehending terrorists. President Bush releases a white rabbit in to the forest and tells each agency to catch it.

CIA
The CIA is first in and send animal informants in to the forest. They
question all plant and material witnesses. After three months of intensive
investigations, the CIA concludes rabbits do not exist.

FBI
After two weeks with no leads it bombs the forest, killing everything,
including the rabbit. It makes no apologies: "the rabbit had it coming", it
insists.

LAPD
They come out after just two hours with a badly beaten bear. The bear is
sobbing, "OK, OK, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit !"

Australian PM (and part time Mr Magoo double) John Howard hears about
President Bush's idea and decides to test Australia's law enforcement
agencies and releases a white rabbit in the bushland near Canberra.

National Crime Authority
The NCA can't catch it, but promises that if it gets a budget increase it
can recover $90 million in unpaid rabbit taxes and proceeds of crime.

Victoria Police
The Victoria police goes in and after only fifteen minutes returns with a
koala, kangaroo and a tree fern, all three shot to pieces. "They looked
like dangerous rabbits and we acted in self defence" they explain.

New South Wales Police
The NSW police go in. Surveillance tapes later reveal top ranking officers
and rabbits dancing around a gum tree stoned out of their minds.

Queensland Police
The QLD police go in. They reappear driving a brand new Mercedes, scantily
clad rabbits draped all over it.

West Australia Police
The WA police actually catch the white rabbit, but inexplicably it hangs
itself when the attending officer "slipped out momentarily" for a cup of
tea.

South Australia Police and Northern Territory Police SA and NT police join
forces and beat the cr*p out of every rabbit in the forest, except the white
one. They know it's the black ones that cause all the trouble !

Australian Federal Police
The AFP refuses to go in. It examines the issues, particularly cost and
decides that because of low priority, high overtime and the projected
expense to the AFP as a whole, the matter should be returned to the
referring authority for further analysis.

Australian Secret Intelligence Organisation ASIO goes in to the wrong
forest.

[Jstar]

man when i need to i cant think of anything

[MOSH]

looks like i'll break the ice with the sick jokes

How do you get the neighborhood kids off your front yard?

Molest them.

i ACTUALLY burst out laughing and my cereal (which was in my mouth at the time) went everywhere on the floor. i did not see that ending coming maggot!

[Antos]

what do u call a group of chinese men running down a hill?

A mudslide

what do u call a group of white men running down a hill?

A avalanche

what do u call a group of black men running down a hill?

A jailbreak

[Antos]

What does one fag say to another fag going on vacation?
Can I help you pack your shit?

How do you know when you're in a gay church?
Only half the congregation kneels to pray

What's the most common pickup line in a gay bar?
May I push your stool in?

What does AIDS stand for?
Anally Injected Death Sentence

How do you know if you're at a gay picnic?
The hotdogs taste like shit

Four fags are sitting in a hot tub. They notice some sperm rising to the surface. One fag says, "Ok, who farted?"

Why'd the fag get fired from the sperm bank?
They caught him drinking on the job

and my favourite

What did the gay fireman say on 9/11?
It's raining men! Hallelujah! It's raining men! AMEN!!!!

[Jstar]

Whats happened to the gay magician?

He disappeared with a poof