Jokes *May Offend*

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22/06/2023, 10:15 AM Syklone - ..... hi

18/02/2023, 07:10 PM Damit - https://discord.gg/fYqDFYx

18/02/2023, 07:09 PM Damit - join us on Discord https://discord.com/inv... ite/fYqDFYx

29/11/2022, 12:19 PM BoHiCa - YESSSSSS

26/10/2022, 04:27 PM Victor9-5 - yooooooooooooo!

21/05/2021, 06:19 AM DonutKing - First post

28/08/2020, 08:39 AM Damit - its because we are all on discord now mrx

29/07/2020, 07:42 PM MrX - Its a bit dead round here

29/07/2020, 07:42 PM MrX - Anybody playing COD 

26/03/2020, 10:52 AM Epsoma - Hey Team. Locked down in self isolation. Hope you all are good.

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[Damit]

Ok post all your jokes here  :dthumbup:

[BoHiCa]

Brilliant in its simplicity ...

 


A. Back off and let those men who want to marry men, marry men.
 
B. Allow those women who want to marry women, marry women.


C. In three generations, there will be no Greens.

                   

 

- I love it when a plan comes together so simply.

[Ice_Munney]

+1

[Gedismad]

Blackberry gets hit by lighting it blows up

iPhone gets hit by lighting it makes a transformer

Nokia gets hit by lighting battery fully charged

[Swaggar]

See Gedismad posted in Jokes thread, clicks off immediately.

[cryptochild4]

a skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer......


......and a mop

[Swaggar]

Why didn't the skeleton go to the prom?


Because he had no body to go with.

[jazzycat]

How do you get Pikachu onto the bus?


Poke 'im on.

[SolidSmiddi]

Whats green has six legs and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you?






...a pool table.

[jazzycat]

I like my wine how I like my women...


...10 years old on a rack in the cellar.

[DirtyHarry]

Four secrets to a healthy relationship (for men):

1.  It is important to find a woman who cooks and cleans.
2.  It is important to find a woman who makes good money.
3.  It is important to find a woman who likes to have sex.
4.  It is important that these three women never meet.

[Carples]

The Grim Reaper came for me last night and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

 

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador .  ”Bugger that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

 

Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do you know?  He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!”

 

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest p* nis she had ever laid her hands on.  I said "You're pulling my leg!"

 

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!!  At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.

 

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend, yet.

 

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back.  He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.

 

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.  She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you’re obviously not listening.

 

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

 

Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London. Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.

 

Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.

 

They've had to cancel the panto 'Jack & the Beanstalk' in Birmingham, Bristol, Oldham, Bradford, Burnley, Leicester, Luton and London: Apparently the giant couldn't smell any Englishmen.

 

The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."

 

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!

 

Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter’ who has stabbed six people in the arse in the last 48 hours , believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

 

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

 

A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."

 

Murphy says to Paddy "What ya talkin to an envelope for?" "I'm sending a voicemail ya thick sod!"

 

Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.  It was a lovely service.

 

19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?" Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."

 

An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swam with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.

[jazzycat]

"I was sitting in the front room with the wife earlier when I said:

"You're quiet tonight."

She looked at me then opened her mouth "I wa..."

"Don't spoil it" I interrupted, "that was a compliment."

---

I was chatting to this girl in the pub when someone grabbed my shoulder.

"That's my girlfriend mate. Have you got a fucking death wish?" asked this hard looking bastard.

"No.." I replied, "Why.. Has she got AIDS or something?"

---

I was telling a girl in the pub about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born just by feeling their breasts.

"Really?" she said. "Go on then... Try."

After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.

"Come on," she demanded, "What day was I born on?"

"Yesterday?" I replied.

---

Rihanna says chains and whips excite her.

I doubt her ancestors felt the same way.

---

When I have kids, I'm going to make them watch the film '2012' and tell them that I survived that.

---

I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night; He hypnotised 7 blokes then dropped the microphone on his foot and said 'fuck me!'

What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life...

---

My wife's Mum was admitted to hospital earlier with chronic hayfever.

I couldn't make it, so I sent flowers.

---

I just read a list of "100 things to do before you die".
Am surprised "yell for help" isn't one of them.

---

"Doctor," says the receptionist, "the patient you just treated has died on his way out the door. What should I do?"

"Just turn him around," says the doctor, "so it looks like he died on the way in."

---

A dentist to a suffering patient:

"I'm afraid this tooth needs to come out. Don't worry, it'll only take a couple of minutes, but it will cost you an extra $110."

"What? Don't you think it's excessive for a few minutes' work?"

"Well, I can take it out really slowly if you prefer."

---

It's probably a good thing Charles Xavier didn't use his first initial for his band of mutant misfits.

---

I came home drunk last night and my wife wasn't happy.

"How much have you had to drink?" she asked, staring at me.

"Nothing" I slurred.

"Look at me!" she shouted, "It's either me or the pub, which one is it?"

I paused for a second and said, "It's you, I can tell by the voice."

---

I once caught my girlfriend red-handed, masturbating during her period...

---

In a really random streak of coincidence, these jokes are from a FB Community called, Players gone play, goats gone goat.

[jazzycat]

The first thing a man notices in a woman are her eyes.
And when her eyes aren't looking, he notices her tits...


I was helping out at the centre for deaf kids. I signed to one young boy, "If you had one wish, what would it be?"
He signed back, "I wish I could tell when my mum's coming up the stairs."


I wonder if the label on clothes in China say "made around the corner"?


Me and the wife like to do it doggy style. First I beg, then she rolls over and plays dead.



One day a hippie gets a ride on a public bus and sees a hot young nun. He sits down next to her and promptly asks if she would like to have sex, to which she immediately says no and walks off the bus. The bus driver leans over and says "Hey guy I know how to get that nun to have sex with you..."

Naturally the hippie asks, and the bus driver tells him that every night at midnight the nun goes to an old graveyard to pray for God to forgive her for her past, and that he should dress up like God and tell the nun she will be forgiven if she has sex with you.

The hippie gives his thanks and runs to the nearest costume shop.

Later that evening the hippie gets ready for his big night and drives down to the graveyard and sees the nun praying, on her knees. He says "Behold, I have heard your prayers and you shall be forgiven if you have sex with me!"

The nun agrees but asks if they can have anal sex in order to keep her virginity. The hippie agrees and once they are finished the hippie jumps back and pulls off his mask and says "Surpise, its me the Hippie!"

The nun jumps up and pulls off her mask and says "Surprise, its me the bus driver!"


 
If I was the guy who packed away the parachutes for skydives, I'd be tempted to replace one with a can of Red Bull.


A guy with a gun enters a bar.
"Who the fuck had sex with my wife?" he snarled.
A voice was heard in the background, "You don't have enough bullets mate!"


If a lesbian "cock blocks" another lesbian, would it then be considered a "beaver dam"?


How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it...


The 21st century. When deleting history is more important than making it.

[DonutKing]

The first thing a man notices in a woman are her eyes.
And when her eyes aren't looking, he notices her tits...

A truer word has never been spoken

If a lesbian "cock blocks" another lesbian, would it then be considered a "beaver dam"?

I've heard girls refer to this as 'clam jam'

[Dex]

Two chemists walk into a bar.
The first one says, "I'll have some H2O."
The second says, "I'll have some water too. But why'd you order it like that? We aren't at work."
The first chemist excuses himself and weeps in the bathroom.
His assassination plot had failed.