Jokes *May Offend*

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22/06/2023, 10:15 AM Syklone - ..... hi

18/02/2023, 07:10 PM Damit - https://discord.gg/fYqDFYx

18/02/2023, 07:09 PM Damit - join us on Discord https://discord.com/inv... ite/fYqDFYx

29/11/2022, 12:19 PM BoHiCa - YESSSSSS

26/10/2022, 04:27 PM Victor9-5 - yooooooooooooo!

21/05/2021, 06:19 AM DonutKing - First post

28/08/2020, 08:39 AM Damit - its because we are all on discord now mrx

29/07/2020, 07:42 PM MrX - Its a bit dead round here

29/07/2020, 07:42 PM MrX - Anybody playing COD 

26/03/2020, 10:52 AM Epsoma - Hey Team. Locked down in self isolation. Hope you all are good.

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[Damit]

Ok post all your jokes here  :dthumbup:

[Damit]

STUPID LABELS!

ON TESCO"S TARAMISU DESERT: Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)
ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING: Product will be hot after heating! (Are you sure?? Let's experiment.)
ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON: Do not iron clothes on body. (But wouldn't that save more time?)
ON BOOTS CHILDREN'S COUGH MEDICINE: Do not drive car or operate machinery. (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)
ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID): Warning-may cause drowsiness. (One could hope.)
ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE: Warning-keep out of children.
ON A STRING OF CHINESE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS: For indoor or outdoor use only. (As opposed to outerspace or underground?)
ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR: Not to be used for the other use. (Now I'm curious)
ON SAINSBURY'S PEANUTS: Warning-contains nuts. (As opposed to peas?)
ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKAGE OF NUTS: Instuctions-open packet, eat nuts. (And then?)
ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
ON SEARS HAIRDRYER: Do not use while sleeping. (BUT that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)
ON A BAG OF FRITOS: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special!)
ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP: Directions-use like regular soap. (As if we didn't know)
ON SOME SWANN FROZEN DINNERS: Serving suggestion-Defrost. (But it is "just" a suggestion!)
ON A HOTEL PROVIDED SHOWER CAP IN BOX: Fits one head. (But we were going to share.)


The DEEP Hole

Two men are walking through the woods when they come across this big deep hole.
"Wow.....that looks deep."
"Sure does.....toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is."
They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait.....no noise.
"WOW, that is REALLY deep. Here... throw one of these big rocks down there. Those should make a noise."
They pick up a couple of football-size rocks and toss them into the hole and wait. Nothing.
They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says,
"Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT in, it's GOTTA' make some noise."
The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole. Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them as fast as its legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps into the air and into the hole. The two men are astonished at what they have just seen.
Then out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over.
"Hey, you two guys seen my goat out here?"
"You bet we did! Craziest thing I have ever seen. It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!"
"Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat. You see, MY goat was chained to a railroad tie!"


A YOUNG MAN was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.
"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who died just recently."
"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "Is there anything I can do for you?"
"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Goodbye Mother!' it would make me feel much better."
"Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye Mother!" and felt quite good about himself that he did a good deed and made someone happy.
As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"
"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.


Military Humour
During training exercises, the leutenant, who was driving down a muddy back road, encountered another jeep stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel.
"your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the leutenant as he pulled alongside.
"Nope," replied the colonel coming over and handing him the keys, "Yours is."
--------
Having just moved into his new office, a pompous new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Concious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir."
Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?"
"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, ... "I'm just here to hook up your telephone."
--------
Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: Sure, buddy.
Officer: That is no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again.
Officer: Do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: No, SIR!
--------

Anger Vs. Exasperation
A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked, "Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?"
The father replied, "It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean." With that the father went to the telephone and dialed a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said, "Hello, is Melvin there?" The man answered, "There is no one living here named Melvin. Why don't you learn to look up numbers before you dial them?"
"See," said the father to his daughter. "That man was not a bit happy with our call. He was probably very busy with something and we annoyed him. Now watch......"
The father dialed the number again. "Hello, is Melvin there?" asked the father.
"Now look here!" came the heated reply, "You just called this number and I told you that there is no Melvin here! You've got a lot of nerve calling again!" the reciever was slammed down hard.
The father turned to his daughter and said, "You see that was anger. Now I'll show you what exasperation means." He dialed the same number, and when the voice roared, "HELLO!" the father calmly said, "Hello, this is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?"
--------


The Importance of Proper Punctuation!
Dear John:
I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People, who are not like you, admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy--will you let me be yours?
Gloria


Dear John:
I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be?
Yours,
Gloria

[Damit]

An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincenzo, who used to help him, was in prison.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Vincenzo,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I am getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the garden for me.
Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Papa,
I'd do anything for you Papa, except dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies.
Love, Vinnie

At 4 am the next morning the police arrived in force and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. The same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Papa,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Vinnie

[DonutKing]

There was a farmer who owned a bull and a female cow and was trying desperately to mate the two. No matter what he did the bull didn't want any.

Finally he went to a friend who claimed to have had the same problem. So he asked him what could he do. The friend told him that he had to stick his arm up the cows vagina and rub it on the bull's nose. After doing so the bull went crazy and started humping the cow over and over.

With the success of the bull the farmer starts to wonder if this will work for him. So that night he gets in bed and starts playing with his wife. He rubs his nose with his hand and gets the biggest boner he has ever gotten.

He wakes his wife and tells her to look. She looks, and with a mean look on her face says, "You woke me up to show me that you have a bloody nose."

[Chalice]

Ohhh FFS Donut +1

[DonutKing]

[Wombat756]

Movie Test

This is pretty damn amazing. Mine turned out to be "Raiders of the
Lost Ark". I was surprised how this worked. Be honest and don't look
at the movie list till you have done the maths!
Try this test and find out what movie is your favourite. This amazing
maths quiz can predict which of 18 films you would enjoy the
most. Don't ask me how, but it really works!
 
Movie Test:
Pick a number from 1-9.
Multiply by 3.
Add 3.
Multiply by 3 again.
Now add the two digits together to find your predicted favourite movie
in the list of 18 movies below.
 
 
 
 
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Movie List:
1. Gone With The Wind
2. E.T.
3. Beverly Hills Cop
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly
7. Jaws
8. Grease
9. The Joy of Anal Sex With A Goat
10. Casablanca
11. Jurassic Park
12. Shrek
13. Pirates of the Caribbean
14. Titanic
15. Raiders Of The Lost Ark
16. Home Alone
17. Mrs. Doubtfire
18. Toy Story

Now, ain't that something.....

[Chalice]

Pfft...could've just looked at the list and called that!

[Holzy]

OMG why!?

9. The Joy of Anal Sex With A Goat

This really works

[Syklone]

OMG why!?

9. The Joy of Anal Sex With A Goat

This really works

freaky I got Toy Story... Oh wait, I suck at maths and like goats too

[BoHiCa]

> I found an old black bag full of drugs floating in a bath yesterday. I

> called an ambulance, but Whitney was dead by the time they arrived.
>
> -What's white, 6 inches long, and won't be sucked on Valentine's Day?
> Whitney's Crack Pipe.
>
> -When the paramedics arrived they said "Its Houston we have a
problem".
>
> -Nintendo are releasing a new game based on the lives of Amy Winehouse

> and Whitney Houston. It's called WiiHab.
>
> -What was Whitney Houston doing in the bath tub? Washing her crack.
>
> -Large amount of prescription drugs found in Whitney's room... I bet
> Jacko's doctor is shitting himself.
>
> -What's the difference between Whitney Houston and Amy Winehouse? 204
days.
>
> -What's the difference between Whitney Houston and Michael Jackson?
> One was a crackhead and one fucked little boys.
>
> -What's black, lies on the floor 'Will Always Love You' and has white
> stuff around its nose? A border collie.
>
> -A back single mother overdoses... what's the big deal?
>
> -Some sources claim that Whitney Houston is not really dead and that
> she's in character for her new film 'The Bodybag'.
>
> -Charlie Sheen better die soon or heaven will run out of crack before
> he gets there.
>
> -Whitney Houston cause of death: she waited too long to exhale.
>
> -What's white and has two holes? The inside of Whitney's nose.
>
> -Is it really snowing or did Whitney sneeze??
>
> -What was Whitney Houston's biggest hit? Her last one.
>
> -Why did Whitney Houston snort Splenda? She thought that it was Diet
Coke.
>
> -Isn't it somewhat ironic that a woman who hasn't been clean for years

> managed to die in a bath?
>
> -Tragic news from the music industry "Justin Bieber still alive!"
>
> -Whitney Houston died just hours after being asked to be a judge on
> the next season of X-Factor. Personally I think she made the right
decision.
>
> -A full day of Whitney Houston on MTV. I don't know who is in hell, us

> or her.
>
> -With Whitney Houston now dead I think we'll see a vast improvement in

> her live shows.
>
> -I bet they didn't need to draw any white lines around Whitney
> Houston's body.
>
> -So Whitney died... now she's reunited with her career.
>
> -Can everybody waiting to mourn over Whitney's death please form a
line?
> It's what she would have wanted.
>
> -On the day that Whitney Houston died Bobby Brown still played a gig.
> I mean it's pretty disgusting... what kind of people pay to see Bobby
Brown?
>
> -Whitney Houston found dead. Columbian economy collapses.
>
> -Two detectives are in Whitney Houston's hotel room. One says to the
> other "I've never heard of her. What was she famous for?" The other
> copper replies "She was a very well-known musician". The first
> detective looks around and says "Ah, I see now. Let me guess, she
played the spoons?"
>
> -Dear Lord, thank you for answering my prayers. However you seem to
> have made a terrible error. I said "Britney" not "Whitney".
>
> -For the first time since the early 90's, Whitney Houston has everyone

> talking about her latest 'Hit'.
>
> -Confusion in heaven today as Whitney Houston tries to explain to
> Michael Jackson why 5 year old crack is bad.
>
> -Live from the Beverly Hills Hospital's Life Support Division: Whitney

> Houston Unplugged.
>
> -Decorations will be different in the Houston house this coming
Christmas.
> There will still be a tree but fewer needles lying on the floor.
>
> -Everyone seems so saddened by the death of Whitney Houston. What
> saddens me more is her greatest hits album will surely be out soon.
>
> -Whitney Houston lived her life as I ski - face down in a pile of
> white powder.
>
> -Whitney Houston has now been drug free for at least one day.
>
> -Whitney Houston ended her life the same way she ended her songs. On a

> high note.
>
> -It is such a shame to hear about Whitney Houston dying of a drug
overdose.
> I was truly hoping that she died in a car crash while giving Mariah
> Carey and Celine Dion a lift.
>
> -Yesterday I heard that the world had just lost a great asset to the
> music industry. One whom many referred to as 'The Queen of Pop' and
> I'd just like to take a moment and say we will miss her greatly. May
> Elton John rest in peace.
>
> -Hey don't want to spoil it but the extended version of the bodyguard
> is on tonight, she dies in the end.

[KARNAGE]

An actual poem for Valentines day

Bitch, you is fine.

Bitch you is fine
Dat ass is devine
It's finer than wine
Got flawless design

Bitch you is fine
Dat smile's benign
Yo teeth got some shine
Ima take you to dine

Bitch you is fine
You is at least a 9
Ima make you a sign
Dat says "Bitch, please be mine"

Bitch you is fine
Them stars are aligned
So i think it is time
Bitch, be my valentine.

[KARNAGE]

whats the difference between an italian grandma and an elephant?

about 50kg and a black dress



How is Italian christmas different?
One mary, one jesus and 32 Wise guys

[Sillen]

Copy of a post from WP:

post 1: "nothing happens in WA unless Gina says so"

post 2: "Ah, the state of Wagina."

[KARNAGE]

Who's joseph kony's favourite rapper?

Soulja Boy

[KARNAGE]

Mass Effect 3 jokes (said between Garrus and joker)

What do you call it when a Turian gets killed by a gigantic spiky monster?
Friendly fire

How many humans does it take to activate a dormant mass relay?
602; 600 to vote on it, 1 to ask the asari for technical help and 1 to request a seat on the council afterward

How do you know when a Turian is out of ammo?
He switches to the stick up hiss ass as a backup weapon

Why does the alliance hire pilots with brittle bone disease?
so their marines can beat someone in hand-to-hand drills

what's the hardest part about treating a turian who took a rocket to one side of his face?
figuring out which side took the rocket