Self Help Guide - How To...(Where the Ask Chalice thread 1st started)

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22/06/2023, 10:15 AM Syklone - ..... hi

18/02/2023, 07:10 PM Damit - https://discord.gg/fYqDFYx

18/02/2023, 07:09 PM Damit - join us on Discord https://discord.com/inv... ite/fYqDFYx

29/11/2022, 12:19 PM BoHiCa - YESSSSSS

26/10/2022, 04:27 PM Victor9-5 - yooooooooooooo!

21/05/2021, 06:19 AM DonutKing - First post

28/08/2020, 08:39 AM Damit - its because we are all on discord now mrx

29/07/2020, 07:42 PM MrX - Its a bit dead round here

29/07/2020, 07:42 PM MrX - Anybody playing COD 

26/03/2020, 10:52 AM Epsoma - Hey Team. Locked down in self isolation. Hope you all are good.

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[Chalice]

Dear Chalice, this guy I know in our clan keeps making stupid posts on the forums, please help!

The next question comes from Jive Turkey of Clives chicken farm who asks "Chalice, this guy I know in our clan keeps making stupid posts on the forums, please help!"

Well Jive, this is an easy one, as i mentioned in my biography "Chalice did debby and her dog", until this person gets writers block theres not much that can be done unfortunatley.

An alternative however is to consider.....shit writers block....ummm....ahhhh...

Well hope that helped.....

[Chalice]

Chal, you have Noraa as the responsible party for the last advice request, then you go talking about Bray.
Lay off the drugs dude.

no i dont....now


The next one comes from Zoo of the sydney Zoo who asks "Dear Chalice, i find that i am always critical of other peoples use of drugs what can i do?

Well Zoo, in my pop up book "wheres wallys willy?" i cover this coincidentally.  Heres my advice, first off your going to have to try them yourself to see if their overated or only illegal because the government cant put a tax on them to do this you need to do the following...

First of all you need connections so step one is get arrested, so run next door, slam their front door open grab their youngest child and slam its head into the coffee table...spit on the wife , grab the cat and throw it as hard as you can thru the front window...pull down your pants and run down the street screaming at the top of your lungs "i'm a pretty butterfly". 

Stage 1 should be done not long after...when in jail pretend to shake like a leaf and tell everybody your coming down, that your new in town and your looking to get "hooked up".  Stage 2 should be complete by now...otherwise repeat step 1 until you see results.  Stage 3 involves getting and using the drugs and i cant advice on this as i dont condone drug use. 

After that its up to you whether or not remain critical over drug use.

Hope that helps

[Chalice]

Dear Chalice, this guy I know in our clan keeps making stupid posts on the forums, please help!

i can help with this one because i already kicked him :toung3: :laugh:

The next one comes from Damit of Idaho who asks" Dear chalice, i find that i always have the urge to kick people...please help?"

Well Damit this is a tricky one, but i believe i can help.  Using my recently published encyclopedia as a reference there is a solution.

When you find yourself about to kick a person i want you to scream out every swear word you know in a single sentence as loud as you can...that way people think you have ADHD and will be more inclined to forgive you.

An alternative is to purge yourself of this need in a single and massive burst of kicking, just to get it out of your system...if its physically kicking were talking about go to your nearest old peoples home...state " I'm here to see my Grandma in room 17" and walk thru...when your out of site of the staff, open every door and proceed to go thru the complex kicking to your hearts content until you feel that you no longer have to kick...i recommend kicking the face with a particular focus around the mouth, that way they cant say what happened, as an added extra you can even urinate or shit over them (for that extra purge) as staff will think theyve done it themselves...repeat at a new old peoples home if needed.

If its online kicking then the same theory applies...go to internet cafe's and pull out all the power cords of everyone using them. Thats one idea...i'm sure you'll find others. Anyway you coul.............Edit:  Did you just kick me Damit?

Glad to help damit

[Damit]

[Dex]

Chalice,

I have this uncle, and i sort of screwed his wife while he was off getting himself a new job.

I feel that if he finds out, he will be devastated and may resort to violence
Please help

Dex

[Jive Turkey]

Please help Chalice!..... I got it caught... in the.. zipper.

 

[Chalice]

The next question comes from Dex who asks "As your nephew i feel i am living in your shadow. You always seem to over shadow me just because i screwed ur wife...Please Help"

Well Dex as i mention in my novel "Is 18 too old to breastfeed?" attraction within the family can occur and can be traumatic...but thats not the case here...being a professional i can tell that the underlying problem is in fact that you masturbate too often.

To cure this i recommend getting a good strong grip on your WANG with grade 1 sandpaper in your hand and then see how you go...remember to apply lots of antiseptic cream if you do decide to follow thru though ok?

The other problem could be that your living in Fantasy land...so i'm going to have to ask you a series of short questions and you can PM me your answers.

1.Do you own a +4 Broadsword of Flaming retardation
2.Do you believe that birds are in fact dragons flying REALLY high in the sky
3.Do you believe that it is a monster in your closet and not your father watching you get undressed
4.Do you believe that ants are normal size and that your a giant
5.Do you believe that when your P.E. teacher touches you down there that he honestly thinks your smuggling basket balls home?

Hope to hear from you soon

[Chalice]

Please help Chalice!..... I got it caught... in the.. zipper.

 

Ouch Jive Turkey from Clives chicken farm

The solution is extract and eject my friend. See my instructional video"The crotch pocket" for tips

You might give some thought to start zipping yourself up..you wear big boy pants now and your probably a little too old to have mummy do it nowadays and as you just found out accidents happen that way.

Yours in sympathy

Chalice

[bray182]

What ya been sayin about me?

[Chalice]

What ya been sayin about me?

Well i accidentally thought it was your post but it wasnt it was noraas...but while were here.

our latest question comes from Bray of the 3rd summit of mount Tsuba, Tibet

Dear Chalice, I think i might be paranoid...everybody seems to talk about me and stare...i find strange hair and objects in my home and i'm freaking out...please help?

Well Bray i think i have the solution, in my recent Ebook "paranoia for perverts" i discuss similar feelings. Heres what to do

In most cases paranoid people are recluse and withdrawn...were going to do the opposite.  I want you to take 45 quick breaths...now that your hyperventilating...we'll get started.

I want you to get yourself a dress, put on a pair of gumboots (yellow ones) and shave all your hair off..cut the crotch out of the dress (no undies) and head on out into the world cuz its time you turned the tables my friend.

Lets look at the symptoms of paranoia...feelings of being watched...of being followed...of being spoken about.  What were going to do is just those things but to others.

I want you to find your nearest abortion clinic..wait for a lady to come out having just performed the abortion, you'll know this because she'll be the one crying.  Now that you've located target one i want you to follow her...really drill holes in her back with your eyes...with your eyes you freak not a drill...now start exclaiming to people passing by "Did you see what that chick just did OMG"...that way even though your dressed as you are they will look at her...guaranteed.

Next i want you to start slinging shit on everyone you know...to everyone you know...really mess up your inner circle...say things like "you should here what (friends name) says about you behind your back, (another friends name) told me about it...omg"...now all your friends are talking about everybody else and not you.

Lastly i want you to stalk your neighbourhood at night...tapping on bathroom and bedroom windows works...expand as necessary, that way everyone becomes paranoid...not just you.

Hope i'm helpful...and i know thats you calling and hanging up...its you isnt it?

[bray182]

How did you know chalice lol

[Chalice]

The next question comes from Chalice of Chaliceville....Chalice

Dear ME, I have a traitorous and VERY nasty Wife who has turned my clan against me, my balls seem to have shrunk and i constantly fantasize about ramming my keyboard up her arse because she posted HORRIBLE RL pics of me...Please Help?

Well me, there is really only two solutions to this...get back at her in real life OR get back at her via the clan...OR do both.

Heres some ideas...ME

Have her wake up with no hair as you've shaved it off and then post updated pics on the DI website.
Take nude pics and do the same.
Completely and utterly turn into a slob...shit on the bathroom floor, in your pants, tell her that her meals constantly suck,,,tell her about the time you slept with her best friend (got ya worried now bitch)...call her friends and tell them how she talks about them (make shit up and do it progressivly over a year or two) that sort of thing.
DIVORCE THE WOMAN
CHANGE MY BANK ACCOUNT DETAILS SO SHE CANT TOUCH IT
DONT PUT OUT FOR HER EVVEERRR AGGGAAIIINNNNN

Hope that helps me

Chalice

[Chalice]

Dear Chalice,  Thank you for the above advice...she really is a horrible woman and something needs to be done to stop her...its nice to know that someone in this clan hasn't turned traitor.

Love always,

Chalice

[YosimeteSam]

The next question comes from Chalice of Chaliceville....Chalice

Dear ME, I have a traitorous and VERY nasty Wife who has turned my clan against me, my balls seem to have shrunk and i constantly fantasize about ramming my keyboard up her arse because she posted HORRIBLE RL pics of me...Please Help?

Well me, there is really only two solutions to this...get back at her in real life OR get back at her via the clan...OR do both.

Heres some ideas...ME

Have her wake up with no hair as you've shaved it off and then post updated pics on the DI website.
Take nude pics and do the same.
Completely and utterly turn into a slob...shit on the bathroom floor, in your pants, tell her that her meals constantly suck,,,tell her about the time you slept with her best friend (got ya worried now bitch)...call her friends and tell them how she talks about them (make shit up and do it progressivly over a year or two) that sort of thing.
DIVORCE THE WOMAN
CHANGE MY BANK ACCOUNT DETAILS SO SHE CANT TOUCH IT
DONT PUT OUT FOR HER EVVEERRR AGGGAAIIINNNNN

Hope that helps me

Chalice

May i watch and be a part of this wonderfull plan  :laugh2:

<3 Sammy 

[Chalice]

It shall be posted...with pics my friend...oh yes...it shall be broadcasted...i will have my revenge...i've got photo of her too you see? *laughs maniacally*  Mhhhhhaahahahaha  :laugh2:

Kylie why dont i tell the boys about the time.........hehehe oh yes i will have my revenge