Self Help Guide - How To...(Where the Ask Chalice thread 1st started)

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22/06/2023, 10:15 AM Syklone - ..... hi

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29/11/2022, 12:19 PM BoHiCa - YESSSSSS

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21/05/2021, 06:19 AM DonutKing - First post

28/08/2020, 08:39 AM Damit - its because we are all on discord now mrx

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[Chalice]

Welcome to my next (first) installment of Chalice's "How To" a modern, factual guide that can be directly applied into your life. The guide will be progressive and based on consumer demand so please feel free to post up your questions and how the guide has helped you overcome some of lifes little ups and downs...lets get started shall we.........

First question comes from Ice of Lake whippinmeharder Michigan USA

Chalice theres a girl at school who was bugging me so i used your Skull Fuck technique in this context "if you dont piss off, i'll Skull Fuck your whole family".  Now the Girl wont talk to me...please help!!!

Ice the girl obviously feels that your not a man of your word so theres 2 options here...1.Break into her house at night (see Chalices book on "How to be a night invader" for tips)...Use liberal doses of Chloraform to individually knock out the family and proceed to stick your penis in their eyesockets...leaving a little present behind on each one.  Next day at school turn to the girl and say "See..(girls name) i am a man of my word...lets be friends huh?"

Option 2. say to the girl...i reacted badly because i have strong sexual feelings for you and i freaked out...lets fuck bitch!!!

Either of these options will work Ice and i look forward to hearing that you and your new little friend are getting along.

[Chalice]

Question 2 comes from Bohica of VIC in Victoria

Bohica asks "Dear Chalice, how can i become the greatest gamer the world has ever known"

Bohica this is a twofold question 1.Why do you feel you arent the greatest game in the world and 2.If not how can i improve?

To answer the first i would say it is a confidence thing...heres what to do.  Wake up in the morning and take a good hard look at yourself in a full length mirror...sure you may be getting older...yep you may have a small penis and those around you may think your a cock...but remember my friend that cocks are usefull, they go in vagina's...ok

In answering the second i'd recommend my guide "To noob or not to noob...shakespears take on gaming" in which i list some techniques that are sure to improve your gaming. Techniques like these...
1. Wear a sign saying in big bold letters "FREE BUTT SEX" and assless pants at the next Sydney Mardi Gra...this will improve your ability to identify a hostile threat and increase your Cardio too as you run from a raging hard mob.
2. Stand in the centre of a room and continuously try and punch yourself in the face (HARD) whilst trying to avoid the oncoming blows at the same time...this will improve hand eye coordination...especially when your hand meets your eye in a solid whack.
3. It may be that your mouse is too small for your hand and that its too light...not allowing greater accuracy in FPS..i recommend in this instance that you pull your mouse apart and superglue the working parts to the bottom of a brick and see how that works.

I hope that helps Bohica and in response to your PM no sorry mate i cant help with your small penis...your fucked there i'm afraid my little tictac resembling friend

Remember my fellow adventures on this journey that we call life that i'm here to help so post up those questions and allow me the privilage of making that journey that little bit easier...cuz i got nothin better to do at 4 am

[Chalice]

Question 3 Comes from Randomizer of Xenon5 in the crustycrotch nebula

Random asks "Dear Chalice, the guys are always picking on my Mitsubishi Colt...i think its a great car...what can i do?"

Well Randomizer this is an easy one...we need to identify where your car sits on the "Phatometer" first ask yourself if a Mclaren F1 and your car were cruising down the street..who would the people look at?  The Mclaren
If a Porche and your car?   The Porche right
A Skyline, Supra, ultra sick FTO?  Those right
A GT Ford or HSV holden?  Them right
A rusty old HQ holden? The HQ right
A beat up gemini missing its bonnet and a door?  Thats right the Gemini
A rusty old tractor full of possum shit...Your car.

My second bit of advice is to buy a new car...failing that i recommend that you stick to your guns and attempt to bluff...i mean convince your colleagues that you have riced this car up with its thumping 4 valve and that it does the 1/4 mile in 2.4 seconds...us Mitsubishi drivers have got to stick together so i hope i've helped.

For future reference to those interested in identifying where your car sits on the "Phatometer" i recommend "Cars and sluts...get a Fat one on the Phatometer, a guide to P platers" written by me.

[Chalice]

Question 4 comes from Noraa of Aaronspeltbackwards, New Jersey

Dear Chalice, I work with Xray equipment and was recently exposed to a large dose of radiation...at night i glow...please help?

Well first off Noraa, see a doctor in regards to the medical nature of this incident.  I can help with the mental aspect though and as you are no doubt worried about resemble a glow worm heres what i recommend you do in order to relieve this anxiety.

At work duck into the bathroom take a stanley knife to your clothes and spray paint yourself green...burst out of the toilet and smash everything in sight in a fit of "rage"...culminate this event by sprinting as fast as you can at a wall and attempt to burst thru it.

When you regain conciousness...head to the park and find yourself a sturdy branch and make your way to the nearest dog pound where i recommend you climb into a cage with 3 dogs (preferably make 1 a poodle) and attempt to kill the dogs with the branch and your bare hands.

After you see the doctor and get the required amount of stitches and vaccines head home where i want you to vigourously jump up and down on your car roof, destroy the living room, shit on your bathroom floor, shred your bed mattress..etc.. really have fun with it and if it can be broken...BREAK IT. (see my book "90 ways to smash shit in 90 seconds" for ideas)

Now heres the tricky part....when your misses gets home, she'll noticed the dented car and smashed windows first, so she'll be mildly curious as to whats happened, this will be compounded when she opens the door to find everythig smashed in the house, you panting and looking exhausted, covered in green spray paint and your clothes torn to shreds, 90 stitches in your face from the dog bites as well as dog blood (and your own) covering you head to toe...at that point you need calmy turn to her and say "Gamma radiation...Hulk feel bad" at which point throw her on the bed and take her vigorously...she'll love it..trust me

Glad i could help buddy and look on the bright side, at least you dont need glow in the dark condoms anymore!!!

[Virgil83]

Hahahahahaha... hahahaha... LOL... ROFL etc etc.

These would have to be some of (if not the absolute most) the funniest posts I've ever read on the DI forums, well done Chalice, hilarious as always...

BTW, on a private matter... Could you address my problem?  "Dear Chalice, how do I deal with a faggot co-worker who never does his job?"

[bageled]

LMAO!!!!!!!

[Chalice]

Hahahahahaha... hahahaha... LOL... ROFL etc etc.

These would have to be some of (if not the absolute most) the funniest posts I've ever read on the DI forums, well done Chalice, hilarious as always...

BTW, on a private matter... Could you address my problem?  "Dear Chalice, how do I deal with a faggot co-worker who never does his job?"

Question 5 Comes from Virgil who asks "how do i deal with a faggot co worker who never does his job?

Thanks for the question virgil, there really is only one solution to this...get him fired and with my recent book "How to ruin your co workers life" i'd probably go with step 24 if he's married/got a girlfriend.

Take him off to one side and in all seriousness say"look i've been meaning to tell you something....Me and (his wifes name) have been seeing each other for a while now, i just cant work with you every day and live with it anymore...BOY she really likes it up the arse huh?"  now when he hits you you a. Get him fired and B. look like a sick cunt to all your other co workers who probably hate this guy too.

The other solution involves a vat of acid and some McDonalds Hash Browns but thats WAY too extreme for now.

hope that helps

[Chalice]

LMAO!!!!!!!

Qusetion 6 comes from bageled of dontdoboys.com

Dear Chalice,  I cant stop laughing at other peoples posts...please help?

Well Bageled luckily an answer is at hand for you my friend in my latest book"Penis suits for perverts"

As you bought the book and recieved your Free penis suit i recommend turning it inside out, put it on and then sitting down VERY quickly on your computer chair when reading posts...this is guaranteed to stop your laughter and indeed it will induce tears instead or as in the case of Bohica it may induce involuntary shudders and moans followed by sticky patches in your pants.

Chalice

[Virgil83]

Now, of course, I'm intregued about the method involving acid and McDonalds hash browns... LOL

[Noraa78]

Dear Chalice,
friday night i'm going out to tea with some friends and i just can't pick which coloured lipstick i should wear!
Please Help!

[Jive Turkey]

Dear Chalice, this guy I know in our clan keeps making stupid posts on the forums, please help!

[Damit]

Dear Chalice, this guy I know in our clan keeps making stupid posts on the forums, please help!

i can help with this one because i already kicked him :toung3: :laugh:

[bray182]

HAHAHAHA oh and mike can still post

[Chalice]

Dear Chalice,
friday night i'm going out to tea with some friends and i just can't pick which coloured lipstick i should wear!
Please Help!

Question 7 comes from Noraa of Sth Africa who asks "Dear Chalice,
friday night i'm going out to tea with some friends and i just can't pick which coloured lipstick i should wear!"

Well Noraa its all about complexion and about what sort of result you want at the end of the night. In one of my earlier books "Lipstick for lovin" i explain this further.

So in answer to your question if you want to shag yourself senseless then i suggest something in the Dare selection and definetly run with a hot red.

If your after a romantic night then i suggest something in the mayfair range and go a subtle brown.

My personal favorite is the psycho look and for that i'd recommend a hot pink (any brand) and close your eyes, jump up and down and have someone jerk your arm as you apply the lippy. If this technique creates a jagged line running up your cheek then you have done it correctly.  Be aware that you will need to spill alcohol (preferably spirits) on yourself before you go out, just to add the scent to the effect where looking for here.  This method is a sure fire way of getting shagged by any gender as it creates the "i'm an easy tramp" look.

Hope that helps and good luck.

[Z00111111]

Chal, you have Noraa as the responsible party for the last advice request, then you go talking about Bray.
Lay off the drugs dude.