Death Inc

Dear chalice,
This is pretty bizarre, so bear with me.

I recently put up ads for a new roommate in the local paper and on Craigslist, but didn't have much luck. The few responses I did get either missed the no smoking part, which is non-negotiable because of my asthma, or just didn't seem like the type I'd get along with. In retrospect I was probably being too picky, since this isn't a sought-after part of town to live in.

Either way, I finally met someone who seemed right. He was a lanky motherfucker who seemed awesome right away. He showed up wearing a shirt for one of my favorite bands, and we were on the same wavelength. The first red flag should have been that the name he gave was a pun and obviously fake, but I was so stupid that I didn't realize that until later. We signed the lease, and he moved in.

The first thing was that he never wore a t-shirt again. He's in his twenties, but he dresses like a colorblind college professor. Like what Doctor Who would wear if he wanted to be seen by circling aircraft. I asked him if he was doing a PUA thing called "peacocking," but he said he'd never heard of that and just liked to look like Professor Technicolor.

Of course the clothes aren't a big deal by itself and I'd be pretty petty if I held that against him. The first really weird thing I noticed is that whenever I walk by his door I hear laughter, gasps, or sometimes furious swearing. He's either getting way too into the internet or he's schizophrenic. When I asked him about it, he said not to worry, and not to open his door. I didn't press further because I honestly didn't want to know.

The clothes weren't the only thing different when I first met him, either. After he moved in everything about his mannerisms changed. He started making exaggerated, theatrical movements and talking in an overly dramatic way, like every fucking day is a play he's putting on. I thought it would really weird out friends I have over, but whenever I do he talks to them for about ten minutes, totally polite and friendly, then excuses himself and either leaves the building or goes into his room and doesn't come back until they're gone. None of my friends have noticed and I don't know what the fuck it's about, but it's still slightly insulting either way, like he's suggesting everyone I know is boring.

The only time he didn't do that was when I had my best friend Tony over. He seemed to be having a good time with him and none of his body language weirdness came out. But the next day, I found a colored, FRAMED drawing of Tony and I, anime-style, having gay sex above the couch where we were sitting that night. And it we were doing it on the same couch. I tried to stay cool when I confronted him on it, and all he did was ask me if I liked his fanart.

Much worse than that is the fact that he spends at least an hour in the bathroom every morning, right when I get up. He gives more attention to his hair and skin than most women I know, and it's never occurred to him to let me go first since I take all of five minutes. The worst part is he goes to all that trouble and doesn't go anywhere afterwards, so he has the rest of the morning when he could be doing it. He has some source of money, but I have no idea what his job is, and he has no regular hours he's home or gone.

I thought maybe with the vanity and the homosexual porn he personally created he might be gay, but no. At least once a week he brings home a woman late at night. They're always a little questionable looking and none of them are EVER native english speakers. I don't know if that's his fetish or foreign prostitutes are just cheaper, but they make me nervous. That's not paranoia, either. The morning after one of his sleepovers I found all the fish in my aquarium were dead. He brought home a hooker named Ornikovka who killed my fucking fish. Another time I woke up in the mddle of the night to a crash, and then saw a huge hole in his drywall when I walked by his room the next day. He's paying for it so it's none of my business, but it's still disturbing.

So what should I do? Am I making mountains out of molehills? I really don't want to move out because it's so close to my work, and once I move into a place I tend to "settle" in really hard and not want to pack up again.

User

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