Well Bageled...I'm glad you asked.
This is an unfortunate, but common problem...Indeed I face it myself every weekend when my wife goes out with the girls.
In your case its a bit worrying...the fact that the dog is escaping to the nearest Primary school makes me think its a Pedophile...how does it behave around children?
There are 3 options here:
1. Line the backyards fenceline with Punji stakes buried in the ground..that'll sort the little Pedophile out.
2. It may think its some sort of escape artist...so set up some traps like in the SAW movies and see how he goes
OR (In case its not a pedophile or an escape artist)
3. Give the dog the time of his life in a controlled manner - Put yourself in their...paws...wouldn't you want to escape from the prison?
So with that in mind I recommend my Patented 10 step dog training program..heres what you'll need - A short term sedative, 9oz of cocaine (the good columbian shit), a straw, 4 litres of pigs blood, some viagra, a shovel, A dog costume with a strap on attached, an IV drip, some high quality liqour, a scalpel, some ice and one of those squeaky clown noses
Step 1 - Place the viagra and the sedative in with its food and wait for desired effect
Step 2 - Whilst the dog is K.O. dig a hole under your own fence using the shovel and lay the dog out near the hole so that on waking its the first thing it see's
Step 3 - Fill the straw with a good dose of cocaine, insert end into dogs nostril and blow..
Now that the dog is dosed up on coke its at this point there are many options available to you...such as shaving the animal, piercing its ears with gay bling bling or even full facial piercings..the choice is yours
Heres an idea :
Step 4 - Pour a large amount of alcohol into the dogs drinking bowl
Step 5 - Shave an area on the dogs front leg and insert the I.V. drip..in the place you just shaved Tattoo " I love Butch" with a love heart.
Step 6 - Shave an area roughly over the dogs liver and using the scalpel cut a fine line into the skin...doesn't have to be deep...just enough to bleed a little and be noticable
Step 7 - This step can get a little messy, you need to insert something large into the dogs anus...then remove it
Step 8 - taking the dog costume you need to smear some dog shit on the end of the strap on (should be attached to the costume) and lay it out next to the dog with one arm draped over the dog
Step 9 - Sprinkle some Cocaine all around the backyard and rub some more around the dogs face....throw the pigs blood everywhere over the backyard...make it look gory
Step 10 - Place the clowns squeaky nose nearby and wait for the dog to wake up
The result - On waking the dog will be groggy and if you've followed the above steps correctly it will assume that at some point during the night it got out, did a shit load of coke and booze, got its face pierced, picked up its equivilant of a transvestite that proceeded to fuck him up the arse with a strap on...who then took his liver and was possibly named "Butch" due to the Tattoo. And all he's got to show for it is a wicked hang over, a sore arse, a missing liver, a tube sticking out of its arm and a stupid fucking clown nose...It aint going out EVER again.
Hope that helps
Chalice
Dog Trainer
P.s. If the dog wakes up and looks like its had a ball...can we hang out?
Downloads