Jokes *May Offend*

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22/06/2023, 10:15 AM Syklone - ..... hi

18/02/2023, 07:10 PM Damit - https://discord.gg/fYqDFYx

18/02/2023, 07:09 PM Damit - join us on Discord https://discord.com/inv... ite/fYqDFYx

29/11/2022, 12:19 PM BoHiCa - YESSSSSS

26/10/2022, 04:27 PM Victor9-5 - yooooooooooooo!

21/05/2021, 06:19 AM DonutKing - First post

28/08/2020, 08:39 AM Damit - its because we are all on discord now mrx

29/07/2020, 07:42 PM MrX - Its a bit dead round here

29/07/2020, 07:42 PM MrX - Anybody playing COD 

26/03/2020, 10:52 AM Epsoma - Hey Team. Locked down in self isolation. Hope you all are good.

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[Damit]

Ok post all your jokes here  :dthumbup:

[Moose]

love his spelling of genie....

[Filth123]

Yea my spelling is a joke... get it

and wtf is the boondock saints :S

[Syklone]

tis a rocxking movie

[DonutKing]

Five Germans in an Audi Quattro, arrive at the Italian border.

The Italian Customs Officer stops them and tells them "It's-a illegal-a to put-a 5 people in a Quattro."

"Vot do you mean it's illegal?" asks the German driver.

"Quattro means-a four" replies the Italian official.

"Quattro iz just ze name of ze bloody auto" the Germans retort unbelievingly, "Look at ze dam papers: ze car iz designed to karry 5 persons."

"You cant-a pull-a that-a one on me!" replies the Italian customs officer, "Quattro means-a four. You have five-a people in-a your car and you are therefore-a breaking the law."

The German driver replies angrily, "Call your zupervisor over. I vant to speak to someone viz more intelligence!"

"Ah Sorry" responds the Italian officer, "He can't-a come. He's a busy with-a 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."

[Splints]

wtf is the boondock saints :S

tis the most awesome movie ever.
Buy it or Download it, doesnt matter, if you like great action movies you'll love it..
Saw a DVD copy at JB HiFi the other day for 10 bucks.
Recently made a sequel but its not as good as the first one.

Trailer
<iframe width="854" height="480" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/ydXojYfCF3I?fs=1&start=" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

Trailer 2
<iframe width="854" height="480" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/q8Mt5yDqngM?fs=1&start=" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

[DonutKing]

An  Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return,  her Father cussed her.

'Where  have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye  put yer old Mother thru?'

The girl, crying, replied,  'Sniff, sniff....Dad....I became a prostitute...'

'Ye  what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'

'OK, Dad-- as ye  wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to  the country club......................... (takes a  breath)............. and an invitation for ye all to spend New  Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera  and... ...'

'Now what was it ye said ye had become?'  says Dad.

Girl, crying again, 'Sniff, sniff.....a  prostitute Daddy! Sniff, sniff.'

'Glory! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said Protestant. Come here  and give yer old Dad a hug.'

[DonutKing]

After literally minutes of painstaking planning and experimentation I have devised the best way to clean a toilet bowl. No more ineffectual scrubbing with that silly brush.

    * Put both lids of the toilet up. Then add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
    * Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
    * In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.
    * The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
    * Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a power-wash and rinse.
    * Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
    * Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.
    * The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
    * The commode will now be sparkling clean.


As an added bonus your cat will be relatively clean as well.

[KARNAGE]

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer, and an old drunk were walking along when they simultaneously spotted a hundred-dollar bill laying in the street. Who gets it?
The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.


Why do doctors like to operate on lawyers?

no brain, no heart, no guts, no spine and the asshole can't be damaged

[DonutKing]

What do you get if you cross a maori with a Jehovah's witness?

Someone that knocks on your door and tells you to fuck off.

[Chalice]

Blonde girl in a car crash says "I think I have concussion"

Paramedic says "How many fingers have I got up?"

Blonde says "OH GOD, my pussy's paralysed too!!!"


--------------------------------------------------------------


I'm fucking exhausted!!!

Just spent 5 hours painting all the rocks in my front  yard white, just in case my Arab neighbour wants a snowball fight over the christmas holidays!!

[-NeOpHyTe-]

I'm fucking exhausted!!!

Just spent 5 hours painting all the rocks in my front  yard white, just in case my Arab neighbour wants a snowball fight over the christmas holidays!!

lol

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million."

Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men!!

[Sgt Lemur]

girls love guys that can make them laugh, this joke will get you laid for sure

what's 8 inches long and can make a girl scream?








































a stillborn

[Chalice]

Ohhhh wrong  .. +1 tho

[darkwolf]

John goes to a bar and starts randomly spouting pickup lines:
Hey, you wanna do a 68? You go down on me, and I'll owe you one.
If I flip a coin, what are my chances of getting head?
Do you work at Subway? Because you just gave me a footlong.
Hi, do you want to have my children? [No] OK, can we just practice then?
Do you live on a chicken farm? [No] You sure know how to raise cocks.
That's a nice shirt. Can I talk you out of it?
My dick just died. Would you mind if I buried it in your ass?
That shirt's very becoming on you. If I were on you, I'd be coming too.
Do you know the difference between my penis and a chicken wing? No? Well, let's go on a picnic and find out!
Forget that! Playing doctor is for kids! Let's play gynecologist.
Your face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.
Excuse me, but would you like an orally stimulated orgasm?
Fuck me if I am wrong, but haven't we met before?
Have you ever kissed a rabbit between the ears? [Pull your pockets inside out] Would you like to?
I lost my virginity. Can I have yours?
Hey babe, how about a pizza and a fuck? [No] What's wrong, don't you like pizza?
Do you work for UPS? I could have sworn I saw you checking out my package.
Someone vacuum my lap, I think this girl needs a clean place to sit.
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put 'U' between 'F' and 'CK'
Fuck me if I'm wrong, but isn't your name Laura?
Hey Baby! I'd like to use your thighs as earmuffs.
You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
Your breasts remind me of Mount Rushmore....my face should be among them.
Hey baby, I think you just made my two by four into a four by eight.
Is that a keg in your pants? Because I'd love to tap that ass.
Hey cutie, wanna go halves on a baby?
I'll give you a nickel if you tickle my pickle.

[KARNAGE]

Roses are red
Lemons are sour
open your legs
and give me an hour
(one of my favourites)


A farmer from way out country australia is feeling rather sick so he drives up to his closest doctor (a minimum 3 hour drive) and when he finally gets there he tells the doctor how he's feeling

the doctor gets out a hemaroid (pill that works through the anus) and he says "for 2 weeks put this up your back passage 3 times a week"

the farmer comes back angrily at the end of the 2 weeks and says "I put them on my back porch every time and it did nothing, for all the good it did me I might as well have stuck it up my ass!"