Death Inc

Virgil83

Clan Vice-Captain

Karma: 271
Posts: 1458

Have you READ the DI Forums!?!

Kittens...

« on: 29/09/2011, 04:28 PM »

Dear Chalice,

How can I get my new little kittens, who I purchased for the purposes of fattening them up and using them in a variety of chinese dishes and onselling to the local KFC... to stop interfering in things I'm trying to do in my life?

This morning I was nailing the wife when I felt a little sandpaper tongue on the back of my balls... now I won't deny that it felt quite enjoyable, but come now, it's highly inappropriate... I was going to wait until the wife went to work and then let the little kitty go for it!

Another example is when I was burying my neighbour in a shallow grave after a rather unfortunate argument about hedge trimming... I'd murdered the bloke and was just disposing of the body in a shallow grave when several of my kittens decided to play in the hole! Terrible!

But perhaps the most heinous of all is that I've been trying to build a new gaming rig, and the bastard fluffy little things keep getting into it! Pictures follow:

Now I'm upset about the first two incidents, but interfering with my gaming hobby is JUST DAMN RUDE... what should I do with the little monsters, but still enjoy a good sweet and sour cat or some Kentucky Fried Cat, without further incident?

Your Devoted Fan,
Virgil


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Splints

Veteran Member

Karma: 118
Posts: 949

Re: Kittens...

« Reply #1 on: 29/09/2011, 04:31 PM »

I recommend you cut your loses, a cage and a bucket full of water would fix your problems.


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Chalice

Clan Mascot

Karma: 584
Posts: 7404

Re: Kittens...

« Reply #2 on: 01/10/2011, 07:50 PM »

Well Virg..I'm glad you asked!

This is horrific, to think that these little furballs are in your PC is just wrong on so many levels....hang on..stop the press...we can use this....

Here's what to do, go to a pet store and get a rat wheel, hardware store for an electric motor and a fan....rip out the power supply and install contraption....they want to be inside the pc? They can power the fucking thing. Also cats have good memory's , why not shove a cable up their arses and see how good it really is...you MAY be able to squash one into a RAM slot even!

OR

Some other tips -

*Electrify the entire outer casing

*Urinate on your PC to establish dominance...remember to disconnect power first or it could be a shocking experience..or a turn on, choice is yours.

*They need to entertain themselves, why not make THEM entertain YOU? Attatch little studded leather harnesess to them, strap on little leather headbands with little daggers attatched and watch them fight gladiator style much to your amusement.

*Maybe they're "gaming cats" and thats why theyre attracted to the PC? Whack on CoD and see how they go, cuz thats only good for cats to piss on anyway if it turns out i'm wrong ( Kiss

CoD team)

*I count 5 kittens all up, thats 5 attempts at my time travel experiment (see earlier ask chalice questions for more info)

*Train them in tech support and screwdriver usage and you have yourself a mini IT department right there, that can help you get to those awkward places in a PC to make your life easier...get em little tool belts and shit and the girls will "oohhhhh and Ahhhhh" to new orgasmic heights over it.

*Finally..get a pitbull...problem solved.

Hope that helps,

Chalice

p.s. In regards to the licking of balls...can I borrow the Grey and white one for the weekend, it looks like it has a slightly rougher tongue?