Death Inc

After having watched The Lord of the Rings... I am wondering if you can clarify something with your almost infinite wisdom, Chalice...

What/who/where/when is the "One True Ring"?

Well Virgil...I'm glad you asked.

First of all you must understand that the entire Lord of The Ring saga is merely a metaphor for J.R.R. Tolkien's marriage and subsequent years as an alcoholic

Heres how the story really was in RL and not magical page & screen land.............

In 1937 J.R.R. (which incidentally stands for Jesus Rules Rock) met his wife Edith, all went well and the couple were soon happily wed on July 1938.

On the wedding night as the couple were consumating their marriage ol JR was hip deep in edith when he felt something odd, but like a true Soldier he kept at it and was soon fast asleep.

In the morning light as he perused his new bride he pulled back the sheets and discovered to his horror that indeed he did feel something..Edith had the hairest feet he'd ever seen (see pic below)

Edith Tolkien and her hairy feet
(http://i614.photobucket.com/albums/tt221/Chalice00/Edith_Tolkienhobbit.png)

Being a true and faithfull husband, J.R never mentioned his wife's deformity, but he started writing and spending more time on his book than on his wife..soon the marriage was strained and one neighbour Mrs Kettleface recalls quite vividly J.R. screaming at Edith "Your nothing but a fucked up hairy Hobbit..now get me my fucking dinner"

J.R. was soon drafted into the war and it was at this time he was shot in the head, he survived but for months afterwards he couldn't speak proper english instead of saying "please my bed pan is full" it would come out as "A han noston ned 'wilith"

His wounds being severe he was discharged and sent back to england where he again devoted his time to his writing and finished his first book "The Hobbit" which is based off his wife and her ability to be nice and nasty (Golem) and of course the ring which is a metaphor in the hobbit for the wedding ring.

This all changed however after the books success, Edith...not being silly knew the book was a slap in her face left J.R. and he in turn hit the bottle and prostitutes.

JR had 3 favorites, one looked like a man, one was short and fat and one was tall and thin and had pointy ears..thus the 3 races were created....dont even ask about the orcs, man that bitch was ugly.


The Lord of The Ring series is in a nutshell a metaphor for J.R.'s wedding ring and how it wasn't the master of him and the mental struggle that came with the ring.

The quest of the hobbits to throw the ring onto the fire is a metaphor for J.R. sitting in his chair by the fireplace contemplating throwing his wedding ring in it.

Sauron or Steve was Ediths brother who found out that J.R. beat her and was after J.R. ...the "ring wraiths" were her cousins and JR's paranoia that Sauron (steve) was always watching him.

The Gates of Mordor was of course Ediths vagina...a dark and grissly place and one not easily penetrated, yet JR suspected that whilst he was at war, lots of soldiers passed thru there.

and finally to answer your question....The One True Ring is.................the vagina

JR.R. being blind drunk as usual and visiting the whores couldn't get his aim right and after several attempts at it with the whore going "Thas not it" he finally got his old fella in there and yelled out "AHA The One true ring" after this he had the realization that the vagina WAS the one true ring and that the bunghole and the wedding ring didn't matter!!!

Hope that helps,

Chal
Literature expert and historian

Chal, I have fallen in love with this thread from laughter, +1

Thanks bud :thumbup:

You should've seen the look of disgust on my wife's face :D

+1 back at ya for reading it

indeed chalice, indeed. I can see the truth of your wisdom