Death Inc

Well I've been eating hot food all my life. When i was a pizza delivery driver at a local pizza resturant we used to make chilli pizzas. Now these were not the run of the mill chilli pizzas they were made with the hottest chilli sauce as the base, cheese, hot pepperoni, chillis, capsicum, onion, chillis then cheese and chilli powder to top it off. At the end of our shift we used to have one and 3 callipo ice blocks. Now this has been going on with my friends for a while now, chilli anything. But lately after a night of chilli my stomach is starting to growl and make funny noises and I mean funny noises. While I'm eating my chilli foods i am enjoying every last mouth full. But its exactly 24hrs after that these noises start happening. Now what do i need advice on is how to stop these fracking noises because no joke sometimes they sound like farts and not the average fart either its more like one of those diarrhea farts, wet fracking ones and god as my witness I know i am not farting. This is really getting embarrising for me especially when I am in a meeting because I can't stop what my insides do.

Please Help Chal fix my insides please.

 :-[

24 hours later?
your hungry.

Two options, "pass the buck" or own up

To be able to pass the buck, you need to be seated reasonably close to someone. After the noise,. turn to the person and say "i think your gerbal is dead" or "smells like cum"

If you can't pass the buck, look releived,.. have a wiff, then say "7" when you turn around and see everyone looking at you with WTF written on their faces say "We'll for sound alone i'd give it a 9, but since there isn't any substance to it,. i've had to knock off a few points" or if whoever is talking in the meeting is woffling on, look suprised and say "oh sorry,.. must have dozed off. I get too relaxed sometimes. My bad"

fucken hilarious mate, +1

Well MrX...I'm glad you asked....here's what to do.

There are only 2 options.

1. Stop eating Chilli...which is plainly not acceptable and is a woosy way out

or

2. Go to the hardware store and pick yourself up some "Selley's soundproofing, insulation foam

There are a couple of ways to apply this method.

1. When having a pizza/any hot food...apply liberal amounts of the Soundproofing foam to the food...stir well and enjoy.

Now if the taste is too bad I recommend this option

2. Just like foul tasting medicine...take it all in one hit, get it done and enjoy the Hot & Spicy nummies to your hearts content knowing that your entire digestive system is soundproofed against the dreaded "Fart rumble"

nom nom nom

There is a 3rd option depending on the severity of the noises - In my expert medical opinion, the noises are involuntary and as such its not your fault...indeed the fault lies with the people hearing the noises...as such I recommend that you take a led pencil and ram it into the ears of these selfish and inconsiderate people and permanantly deafen them....BAM problem solved

Hope that helps,

Chalice

CAUTION: The above methods are silent, but deadly and should only be undertaken by trained professionals, Rabid monkeys, sexually depraved turtles and nutters from DeathInc

im free tommoro if you wanna make an apointment.

Turns out that "Selley's soundproofing, insulation foam" is now also available as a suppository..... meaning you don't have to "eat" it in the traditional sense... for more information on "taking it up the ass" consult Chalice... he's an expert :P

Na i think Damit has him booked all through the week.
Or is that his wife? OoOoOoOH

Friggin traitors :P

+1 virg.

if its after 24 hours eat chilli at night?

Having a chilli fest next wednesday night. So I'll try that soundprrofing stuff and see if it works. Cheers Guys.

Soundproofing didn't work.
You were running back and forwards from the toilet all morning...haha!

Here is X on the left and me on the right (I have to sit behind him at work sometimes it ain't pretty lol!)
(http://www.freesmileys.org/smileys/smiley-fart005.gif) (http://www.freesmileys.org/smileys.php)

LOL chal, always got some wierd crazy LOL thing to say (is he the death inc nutter?)