Death Inc

Dear Chalice,

I am currently dog sitting my parents two dogs. One of them is particularly adventurous, and he dug a hole under the fence and into my neighbours back yard, and then to the local primary school.

I don't know what to do.

Can you help?

Well Bageled...I'm glad you asked.

This is an unfortunate, but common problem...Indeed I face it myself every weekend when my wife goes out with the girls.

In your case its a bit worrying...the fact that the dog is escaping to the nearest Primary school makes me think its a Pedophile...how does it behave around children?

There are 3 options here:

1. Line the backyards fenceline with Punji stakes buried in the ground..that'll sort the little Pedophile out.

2. It may think its some sort of escape artist...so set up some traps like in the SAW movies and see how he goes

OR (In case its not a pedophile or an escape artist)

3. Give the dog the time of his life in a controlled manner - Put yourself in their...paws...wouldn't you want to escape from the prison?

So with that in mind I recommend my Patented 10 step dog training program..heres what you'll need - A short term sedative, 9oz of cocaine (the good columbian shit), a straw, 4 litres of pigs blood, some viagra, a shovel, A dog costume with a strap on attached, an IV drip, some high quality liqour,  a scalpel, some ice and one of those squeaky clown noses

Step 1 - Place the viagra and the sedative in with its food and wait for desired effect

Step 2 - Whilst the dog is K.O. dig a hole under your own fence using the shovel and lay the dog out near the hole so that on waking its the first thing it see's

Step 3 - Fill the straw with a good dose of cocaine, insert end into dogs nostril and blow..

Now that the dog is dosed up on coke its at this point there are many options available to you...such as shaving the animal, piercing its ears with gay bling bling or even full facial piercings..the choice is yours

Heres an idea :
(http://i614.photobucket.com/albums/tt221/Chalice00/myotherdog.jpg)

Step 4 - Pour a large amount of alcohol into the dogs drinking bowl

Step 5 - Shave an area on the dogs front leg and insert the I.V. drip..in the place you just shaved Tattoo " I love Butch" with a love heart.

Step 6 - Shave an area roughly over the dogs liver and using the scalpel cut a fine line into the skin...doesn't have to be deep...just enough to bleed a little and be noticable

Step 7 - This step can get a little messy, you need to insert something large into the dogs anus...then remove it

Step 8 - taking the dog costume you need to smear some dog shit on the end of the strap on (should be attached to the costume) and lay it out next to the dog with one arm draped over the dog

Step 9 - Sprinkle some Cocaine all around the backyard and rub some more around the dogs face....throw the pigs blood everywhere over the backyard...make it look gory

Step 10 - Place the clowns squeaky nose nearby and wait for the dog to wake up

The result - On waking the dog will be groggy and if you've followed the above steps correctly it will assume that at some point during the night it got out, did a shit load of coke and booze, got its face pierced, picked up its equivilant of a transvestite that proceeded to fuck him up the arse with a strap on...who then took his liver and was possibly named "Butch" due to the Tattoo.  And all he's got to show for it is a wicked hang over, a sore arse, a missing liver, a tube sticking out of its arm and a stupid fucking clown nose...It aint going out EVER again.


Hope that helps

Chalice
Dog Trainer

P.s. If the dog wakes up and looks like its had a ball...can we hang out?

Hows the dog prob going?  He didnt O.D. did he?

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHA
 :PDT_Armataz_01_37:

+50 for that along and yes i can give +50's

I could tell you how it went, but a picture is worth a thousand words so....

(http://img79.imageshack.us/img79/3584/dog7hb.jpg)

And even though I followed your steps correctly, some how, there was a dog called Butch in the backyard with him the next morning.

(http://www.kateconnick.com/postcards/hungover.jpg)

lol
+1

Lol Bageled..great touch +1

Oi chalice, i must say, very creative but... WTF!?!?! You would have to be sitting down for hours to think this shit up... if i was gonna try and write something like that it would take at least...a week... to devise the sinister and fucked up shit you write lol


:)

P.S i like the idea tho, definatly would stop the dog from running around, but why dont you just cut its legs off?

The thing is filth, thats just how Chal's mind works... completely random & fucked up hehe  (I should know I deal with it on a daily basis!!)
luv u Chal :P

Indeed, well on the bright side you never get bored by his completely random and fucked up mind

hehehehe this took about 10 mins to write..it just pours out of the madness that is my brain :D

p.s. Kylies my wife....should try this next time she goes out actually :P

Who knows, maybe your dog is into that shit

question!, Will it work on girlfriends?

That may require a new topic in Chals section

It does, but it gets REALLY weird when she wakes up next to a dog named butch that has a used condom on it.

Due to that I'd take Syk's advice... I'm here to help :)