Death Inc

The following are real world examples where users have throughout the years, in their hour of need, written to Chalice.  You will notice that Chalice has been involved in many of the major achievements of the computer age:

EXAMPLE ONE:

Historical Data:  http://wiki.answers.com/Q/When_was_the_first_computer_network_created_and_by_whom
Date: January 2nd, 1969
To:  Mr Chalice, IT Guru
From: UCLA
RE:  Computer Networking

Dear Mr Chalice,

This may sound strange, but we're trying to get one computer to talk to another one for the first time ever... we call this concept "networking".  But we have no idea what to do! 

Can you assist us?

- The Networking Development Team, UCLA.

CHALICE RESPONDED:

Well UCLA, Its very similar to humans talking to another for the first time and this will vary from exactly what you want them to do when they communicate.
If your hoping to develop a system where the 2 computers just hang out and do sweet FA and spin random code then i believe your solution lies in hardwiring copious amounts of marajuana into the circuits...as the circuits heat, the funny green stuff will burn and bam...networked

However if you want them to mate you will need to install and mix my patented program VirtualViagra with Spanishflyware...this will result in a short term network that has a 83% chance of creating little Wii's (something i'm developing)

Things to avoid - DO NOT USE PICK UP LINES OF CODE...eg. Wanna see my hard drive?  Did you know that DOS means Dick Operating System..things like that as it will result in crashing...a term i use to describe when a computer suicides

And whatever you do, do NOT link two female computers together, this will result in them doing nothing but bitching about each other

Let me know the results

EXAMPLE TWO:

Historical Data:  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Apollo_11
Date:  April 1st, 1969
From:  Cliff Charlesworth, Flight Director, National Aeronautics and Space Administration
To:  Mr Chalice, IT Guru
Subject:  Apollo 11 Mission

Mr Chalice,

My name is Cliff Charlesworth and I work at a little known organisation called NASA.  In a few months time we're looking at (and please don't laugh) sending a manned spacecraft mission to the Moon.  Due to the problems we had with our last mission, sending a dog into space, who returned as a twelve legged reptillian species we've never seen before, we're hoping to use computers to assist our crew in this mission.

Do you have any advice on what kind of computers we should be using, when we send this death cylinder into space?  Something with erasable memory would be good so we can instigate a major coverup if needed.

I look forward to your response in this most urgent matter.

C Charlesworth
Flight Director
NASA.

CHALICE'S RESPONSE:

Dear Charles,  Its funny that you ask this question as i too have been trying to put man on the moon utilizing vast amounts of Soda, Kerosene and Talcum Powder...i'll keep you informed

In regards to the question however i feel that a hand powered computer would work best as it will allow the Fagdmonaughts (my term) to stay fit and healthy...albeit slightly tired...as they cross the ocean...i mean space.

I'm thinking something compact so allow for 12 meters of storage...it will need to be well insulated so bubble wrap is a must, this will allow for extra oxygen reserves as well.  In terms of testing pre flight... i wouldn't recommend it as i believe it is not neccesary and financially unviable...just trust the experts and let me do my job.

In terms of hardware i'd advise to stay away from those new silicon chips and stick with wood chips or even potato chips with a 1 inch layer of cardboard between them, whilst some might see this as a fire hazard, i say...heater for the craft!!! and if you go with potato chips...saves on rations.

In terms of data storage i believe that supergluing an etcha-sketch to the main frame should do the trick

EXAMPLE THREE:

Historical Data:  http://www.cybercitycafe.com/explore/echelon.html
Date:  June 19th, 2005
From:  Keith B. Alexander, Director, National Security Agency
To:  Mr Chalice, IT Guru
Subject:  Ultra Secret Spying on EVERYONE!

Dear Mr Chalice,

My network of spies all over the world have indicated that YOU are the man to speak to about this.

I want to set up a sophisticated computing system to analyse the internet traffic, phone calls and various other communication methods of basically, well, everyone in the world.  The computer system would need to be able to advise my many hitmen umm, analysts about what people are up to including terrorist activities, matters of state, and of course... all the juicy gossip on who's sleeping with who in the Death Inc gaming clan in Australia.

Any assistance you can offer in this matter will be much appreciated.

Kind regards

"Uncle Sam wants YOU to help invade the privacy of others!" - NSA Motto
K Alexander
Director
NSA (Remember, we don't exist!)

CHALICE'S RESPONSE:

Well Keith, I believe that an old commodore 64 will be ideal here as it is soley DOS operated and who uses that nowadays...noone.  You will however need a slight upgrade of MS Media Player...just so the lads dont get bored and a SPERM filter, not a SPAM filter as some of the DI goss and pics...especially that Norton are hardcore.

Please keep in mind that i have VAST amounts of experience in this field, my main example would be the system used by E.T. to phone home in which i used an old record player, an umbrella and a saw blade to help him contact his race.

In order to link the computers together i feel that network cabling will not suffice and i recommend using 3 inch welded steel cable to connect them, this will result in poor conductivity so you will have to increase your power supply...i recommend placing a large nuclear reactor in the centre of a school playground and sticky tape the computers to the sides of it...no one will think to look in a school playground for the worlds most advanced spy network.  In regards to the power supply, why use a toaster when a flame throwers quicker?  Go nuclear

In terms of satellite tracking and camera equipment...i'd recommend developing your own using the cardboard from used toilet rolls, bottle caps and jam jars for the lenses...these will need to be powered and linked to the system so just use thicker steel cabling and run around 300km worth directly to the satellite, that way if it ever malfunctions...you can just reel her in.

In regards to processing the data that gets retrieved, the first consideration must be secrecy and so i put forward that the language from Lord of the Rings be used.

bahahahahaa

Please post up all questions in the alternate thread...this is just an insight into SOME of the previous projects i've headed

Chalice
I.T. GuruSwambiFuckMaster

hahahahahahaha i love this  es

i think i almost peed myself alughing at that point :D

It works...trust me

I like you Robazoo...you seem to have the same messed up sense of humour as me and virgil  :PDT_Armataz_01_34:

haha excellent good to know im not the only one

Bump...where the madness began...go Virgil