Death Inc

Welcome to my next (first) installment of Chalice's "How To" a modern, factual guide that can be directly applied into your life. The guide will be progressive and based on consumer demand so please feel free to post up your questions and how the guide has helped you overcome some of lifes little ups and downs...lets get started shall we.........

First question comes from Ice of Lake whippinmeharder Michigan USA

Chalice theres a girl at school who was bugging me so i used your Skull Fuck technique in this context "if you dont piss off, i'll Skull Fuck your whole family".  Now the Girl wont talk to me...please help!!!

Ice the girl obviously feels that your not a man of your word so theres 2 options here...1.Break into her house at night (see Chalices book on "How to be a night invader" for tips)...Use liberal doses of Chloraform to individually knock out the family and proceed to stick your penis in their eyesockets...leaving a little present behind on each one.  Next day at school turn to the girl and say "See..(girls name) i am a man of my word...lets be friends huh?"

Option 2. say to the girl...i reacted badly because i have strong sexual feelings for you and i freaked out...lets fuck bitch!!!

Either of these options will work Ice and i look forward to hearing that you and your new little friend are getting along.

Question 2 comes from Bohica of VIC in Victoria

Bohica asks "Dear Chalice, how can i become the greatest gamer the world has ever known"

Bohica this is a twofold question 1.Why do you feel you arent the greatest game in the world and 2.If not how can i improve?

To answer the first i would say it is a confidence thing...heres what to do.  Wake up in the morning and take a good hard look at yourself in a full length mirror...sure you may be getting older...yep you may have a small penis and those around you may think your a cock...but remember my friend that cocks are usefull, they go in vagina's...ok

In answering the second i'd recommend my guide "To noob or not to noob...shakespears take on gaming" in which i list some techniques that are sure to improve your gaming. Techniques like these...
1. Wear a sign saying in big bold letters "FREE BUTT SEX" and assless pants at the next Sydney Mardi Gra...this will improve your ability to identify a hostile threat and increase your Cardio too as you run from a raging hard mob.
2. Stand in the centre of a room and continuously try and punch yourself in the face (HARD) whilst trying to avoid the oncoming blows at the same time...this will improve hand eye coordination...especially when your hand meets your eye in a solid whack.
3. It may be that your mouse is too small for your hand and that its too light...not allowing greater accuracy in FPS..i recommend in this instance that you pull your mouse apart and superglue the working parts to the bottom of a brick and see how that works.

I hope that helps Bohica and in response to your PM no sorry mate i cant help with your small penis...your fucked there i'm afraid my little tictac resembling friend

Remember my fellow adventures on this journey that we call life that i'm here to help so post up those questions and allow me the privilage of making that journey that little bit easier...cuz i got nothin better to do at 4 am

Question 3 Comes from Randomizer of Xenon5 in the crustycrotch nebula

Random asks "Dear Chalice, the guys are always picking on my Mitsubishi Colt...i think its a great car...what can i do?"

Well Randomizer this is an easy one...we need to identify where your car sits on the "Phatometer" first ask yourself if a Mclaren F1 and your car were cruising down the street..who would the people look at?  The Mclaren
If a Porche and your car?   The Porche right
A Skyline, Supra, ultra sick FTO?  Those right
A GT Ford or HSV holden?  Them right
A rusty old HQ holden? The HQ right
A beat up gemini missing its bonnet and a door?  Thats right the Gemini
A rusty old tractor full of possum shit...Your car.

My second bit of advice is to buy a new car...failing that i recommend that you stick to your guns and attempt to bluff...i mean convince your colleagues that you have riced this car up with its thumping 4 valve and that it does the 1/4 mile in 2.4 seconds...us Mitsubishi drivers have got to stick together so i hope i've helped.

For future reference to those interested in identifying where your car sits on the "Phatometer" i recommend "Cars and sluts...get a Fat one on the Phatometer, a guide to P platers" written by me.

Question 4 comes from Noraa of Aaronspeltbackwards, New Jersey

Dear Chalice, I work with Xray equipment and was recently exposed to a large dose of radiation...at night i glow...please help?

Well first off Noraa, see a doctor in regards to the medical nature of this incident.  I can help with the mental aspect though and as you are no doubt worried about resemble a glow worm heres what i recommend you do in order to relieve this anxiety.

At work duck into the bathroom take a stanley knife to your clothes and spray paint yourself green...burst out of the toilet and smash everything in sight in a fit of "rage"...culminate this event by sprinting as fast as you can at a wall and attempt to burst thru it.

When you regain conciousness...head to the park and find yourself a sturdy branch and make your way to the nearest dog pound where i recommend you climb into a cage with 3 dogs (preferably make 1 a poodle) and attempt to kill the dogs with the branch and your bare hands.

After you see the doctor and get the required amount of stitches and vaccines head home where i want you to vigourously jump up and down on your car roof, destroy the living room, shit on your bathroom floor, shred your bed mattress..etc.. really have fun with it and if it can be broken...BREAK IT. (see my book "90 ways to smash shit in 90 seconds" for ideas)

Now heres the tricky part....when your misses gets home, she'll noticed the dented car and smashed windows first, so she'll be mildly curious as to whats happened, this will be compounded when she opens the door to find everythig smashed in the house, you panting and looking exhausted, covered in green spray paint and your clothes torn to shreds, 90 stitches in your face from the dog bites as well as dog blood (and your own) covering you head to toe...at that point you need calmy turn to her and say "Gamma radiation...Hulk feel bad" at which point throw her on the bed and take her vigorously...she'll love it..trust me

Glad i could help buddy and look on the bright side, at least you dont need glow in the dark condoms anymore!!!

Hahahahahaha... hahahaha... LOL... ROFL etc etc.

These would have to be some of (if not the absolute most) the funniest posts I've ever read on the DI forums, well done Chalice, hilarious as always...

BTW, on a private matter... Could you address my problem?  "Dear Chalice, how do I deal with a faggot co-worker who never does his job?"

LMAO!!!!!!! :D

Question 5 Comes from Virgil who asks "how do i deal with a faggot co worker who never does his job?

Thanks for the question virgil, there really is only one solution to this...get him fired and with my recent book "How to ruin your co workers life" i'd probably go with step 24 if he's married/got a girlfriend.

Take him off to one side and in all seriousness say"look i've been meaning to tell you something....Me and (his wifes name) have been seeing each other for a while now, i just cant work with you every day and live with it anymore...BOY she really likes it up the arse huh?"  now when he hits you you a. Get him fired and B. look like a sick cunt to all your other co workers who probably hate this guy too.

The other solution involves a vat of acid and some McDonalds Hash Browns but thats WAY too extreme for now.

hope that helps

Qusetion 6 comes from bageled of dontdoboys.com

Dear Chalice,  I cant stop laughing at other peoples posts...please help?

Well Bageled luckily an answer is at hand for you my friend in my latest book"Penis suits for perverts"

As you bought the book and recieved your Free penis suit i recommend turning it inside out, put it on and then sitting down VERY quickly on your computer chair when reading posts...this is guaranteed to stop your laughter and indeed it will induce tears instead or as in the case of Bohica it may induce involuntary shudders and moans followed by sticky patches in your pants.

Chalice

Now, of course, I'm intregued about the method involving acid and McDonalds hash browns... LOL

Dear Chalice,
friday night i'm going out to tea with some friends and i just can't pick which coloured lipstick i should wear!
Please Help!

Dear Chalice, this guy I know in our clan keeps making stupid posts on the forums, please help!

i can help with this one because i already kicked him :toung3: :laugh:

HAHAHAHA oh and mike can still post

Question 7 comes from Noraa of Sth Africa who asks "Dear Chalice,
friday night i'm going out to tea with some friends and i just can't pick which coloured lipstick i should wear!"

Well Noraa its all about complexion and about what sort of result you want at the end of the night. In one of my earlier books "Lipstick for lovin" i explain this further.

So in answer to your question if you want to shag yourself senseless then i suggest something in the Dare selection and definetly run with a hot red.

If your after a romantic night then i suggest something in the mayfair range and go a subtle brown.

My personal favorite is the psycho look and for that i'd recommend a hot pink (any brand) and close your eyes, jump up and down and have someone jerk your arm as you apply the lippy. If this technique creates a jagged line running up your cheek then you have done it correctly.  Be aware that you will need to spill alcohol (preferably spirits) on yourself before you go out, just to add the scent to the effect where looking for here.  This method is a sure fire way of getting shagged by any gender as it creates the "i'm an easy tramp" look.

Hope that helps and good luck.

Chal, you have Noraa as the responsible party for the last advice request, then you go talking about Bray.
Lay off the drugs dude.

The next question comes from Jive Turkey of Clives chicken farm who asks "Chalice, this guy I know in our clan keeps making stupid posts on the forums, please help!"

Well Jive, this is an easy one, as i mentioned in my biography "Chalice did debby and her dog", until this person gets writers block theres not much that can be done unfortunatley.

An alternative however is to consider.....shit writers block....ummm....ahhhh...

Well hope that helped.....

no i dont....now


The next one comes from Zoo of the sydney Zoo who asks "Dear Chalice, i find that i am always critical of other peoples use of drugs what can i do?

Well Zoo, in my pop up book "wheres wallys willy?" i cover this coincidentally.  Heres my advice, first off your going to have to try them yourself to see if their overated or only illegal because the government cant put a tax on them to do this you need to do the following...

First of all you need connections so step one is get arrested, so run next door, slam their front door open grab their youngest child and slam its head into the coffee table...spit on the wife , grab the cat and throw it as hard as you can thru the front window...pull down your pants and run down the street screaming at the top of your lungs "i'm a pretty butterfly". 

Stage 1 should be done not long after...when in jail pretend to shake like a leaf and tell everybody your coming down, that your new in town and your looking to get "hooked up".  Stage 2 should be complete by now...otherwise repeat step 1 until you see results.  Stage 3 involves getting and using the drugs and i cant advice on this as i dont condone drug use. 

After that its up to you whether or not remain critical over drug use.

Hope that helps

The next one comes from Damit of Idaho who asks" Dear chalice, i find that i always have the urge to kick people...please help?"

Well Damit this is a tricky one, but i believe i can help.  Using my recently published encyclopedia as a reference there is a solution.

When you find yourself about to kick a person i want you to scream out every swear word you know in a single sentence as loud as you can...that way people think you have ADHD and will be more inclined to forgive you.

An alternative is to purge yourself of this need in a single and massive burst of kicking, just to get it out of your system...if its physically kicking were talking about go to your nearest old peoples home...state " I'm here to see my Grandma in room 17" and walk thru...when your out of site of the staff, open every door and proceed to go thru the complex kicking to your hearts content until you feel that you no longer have to kick...i recommend kicking the face with a particular focus around the mouth, that way they cant say what happened, as an added extra you can even urinate or shit over them (for that extra purge) as staff will think theyve done it themselves...repeat at a new old peoples home if needed.

If its online kicking then the same theory applies...go to internet cafe's and pull out all the power cords of everyone using them. Thats one idea...i'm sure you'll find others. Anyway you coul.............Edit:  Did you just kick me Damit?

Glad to help damit

:D

Chalice,

I have this uncle, and i sort of screwed his wife while he was off getting himself a new job.

I feel that if he finds out, he will be devastated and may resort to violence
Please help

Dex

Please help Chalice!..... I got it caught... in the.. zipper.

 :o

The next question comes from Dex who asks "As your nephew i feel i am living in your shadow. You always seem to over shadow me just because i screwed ur wife...Please Help"

Well Dex as i mention in my novel "Is 18 too old to breastfeed?" attraction within the family can occur and can be traumatic...but thats not the case here...being a professional i can tell that the underlying problem is in fact that you masturbate too often.

To cure this i recommend getting a good strong grip on your WANG with grade 1 sandpaper in your hand and then see how you go...remember to apply lots of antiseptic cream if you do decide to follow thru though ok?

The other problem could be that your living in Fantasy land...so i'm going to have to ask you a series of short questions and you can PM me your answers.

1.Do you own a +4 Broadsword of Flaming retardation
2.Do you believe that birds are in fact dragons flying REALLY high in the sky
3.Do you believe that it is a monster in your closet and not your father watching you get undressed
4.Do you believe that ants are normal size and that your a giant
5.Do you believe that when your P.E. teacher touches you down there that he honestly thinks your smuggling basket balls home?

Hope to hear from you soon

Ouch Jive Turkey from Clives chicken farm

The solution is extract and eject my friend. See my instructional video"The crotch pocket" for tips

You might give some thought to start zipping yourself up..you wear big boy pants now and your probably a little too old to have mummy do it nowadays and as you just found out accidents happen that way.

Yours in sympathy

Chalice

What ya been sayin about me?

Well i accidentally thought it was your post but it wasnt it was noraas...but while were here.

our latest question comes from Bray of the 3rd summit of mount Tsuba, Tibet

Dear Chalice, I think i might be paranoid...everybody seems to talk about me and stare...i find strange hair and objects in my home and i'm freaking out...please help?

Well Bray i think i have the solution, in my recent Ebook "paranoia for perverts" i discuss similar feelings. Heres what to do

In most cases paranoid people are recluse and withdrawn...were going to do the opposite.  I want you to take 45 quick breaths...now that your hyperventilating...we'll get started.

I want you to get yourself a dress, put on a pair of gumboots (yellow ones) and shave all your hair off..cut the crotch out of the dress (no undies) and head on out into the world cuz its time you turned the tables my friend.

Lets look at the symptoms of paranoia...feelings of being watched...of being followed...of being spoken about.  What were going to do is just those things but to others.

I want you to find your nearest abortion clinic..wait for a lady to come out having just performed the abortion, you'll know this because she'll be the one crying.  Now that you've located target one i want you to follow her...really drill holes in her back with your eyes...with your eyes you freak not a drill...now start exclaiming to people passing by "Did you see what that chick just did OMG"...that way even though your dressed as you are they will look at her...guaranteed.

Next i want you to start slinging shit on everyone you know...to everyone you know...really mess up your inner circle...say things like "you should here what (friends name) says about you behind your back, (another friends name) told me about it...omg"...now all your friends are talking about everybody else and not you.

Lastly i want you to stalk your neighbourhood at night...tapping on bathroom and bedroom windows works...expand as necessary, that way everyone becomes paranoid...not just you.

Hope i'm helpful...and i know thats you calling and hanging up...its you isnt it?

How did you know chalice lol

The next question comes from Chalice of Chaliceville....Chalice

Dear ME, I have a traitorous and VERY nasty Wife who has turned my clan against me, my balls seem to have shrunk and i constantly fantasize about ramming my keyboard up her arse because she posted HORRIBLE RL pics of me...Please Help?

Well me, there is really only two solutions to this...get back at her in real life OR get back at her via the clan...OR do both.

Heres some ideas...ME

Have her wake up with no hair as you've shaved it off and then post updated pics on the DI website.
Take nude pics and do the same.
Completely and utterly turn into a slob...shit on the bathroom floor, in your pants, tell her that her meals constantly suck,,,tell her about the time you slept with her best friend (got ya worried now bitch)...call her friends and tell them how she talks about them (make shit up and do it progressivly over a year or two) that sort of thing.
DIVORCE THE WOMAN
CHANGE MY BANK ACCOUNT DETAILS SO SHE CANT TOUCH IT
DONT PUT OUT FOR HER EVVEERRR AGGGAAIIINNNNN

Hope that helps me

Chalice

Dear Chalice,  Thank you for the above advice...she really is a horrible woman and something needs to be done to stop her...its nice to know that someone in this clan hasn't turned traitor.

Love always,

Chalice

May i watch and be a part of this wonderfull plan  :laugh2:

<3 Sammy  :PDT_Armataz_01_37:

It shall be posted...with pics my friend...oh yes...it shall be broadcasted...i will have my revenge...i've got photo of her too you see? *laughs maniacally*  Mhhhhhaahahahaha  :laugh2:

Kylie why dont i tell the boys about the time.........hehehe oh yes i will have my revenge

My email addy is i lovenudepicsofchicks @hotmail.com  :thumbup:

Chalice, I think you need to calm down a bit there.. I still love you more than that hussey.

Hahahaha, if this were serious, we'd be a bunch of jackasses  :PDT_Armataz_01_37:

Dear Chalice,
I am having some issues with my husband, you see I posted RL pics of him on a forum he visits regularly.  He didnt take to kindly to this and trashed the house today before he left for work.  I mean there is crap everywhere - his clothes on the floor, the study is an absolute mess with PC games ALL over the place... anyway you get the picture.  I would greatly appreciate any advice on how I can get him to stop trashing the house!

KylieilyK

one of those "stop barking" collars should do the trick Kylie   ;)

The next question comes from kylie of suchahorribleperson land.

In response to your question there are 2 options.

1. Hire a gorgeous cleaner and be willing to let your partner shag her sensless...ultimatley resulting in no housework getting done anyway as she will be totally exhausted by the time that i'm...ummm...hes done with her.

2. Stop whining like a little bitch and clean up after him....thats what your paid for isn't? (guarenteed to get into shit comment #247)

Hope that helps and remember....your husbands always right.

Chalice

lol

akward...

Just a bit

Hehehe....i'm such a SNAG huh?...i didnt get into shit though...i'll have to run with comment #298 - Is it ok if i go out with boys friday night?

Chalice please help,
I constantly have headaches from listening to couples having fewds... what should I do?